


Profound Bond

by MashiarasDream, tinnydandelion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel is endgame, Emotional Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manipulation, Physical Abuse, Possessiveness, Screw Destiny, Soulmate AU, Soulmate marks, Stalking, Team Free Will, demiromantic!Dean, different soulmate au, discussions of temporary character death, grey-ace/demi!Cas, no abuse between Dean and Cas, not what you expect probably, past violent minor character death, polyamorous!Charlie, unwanted soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 19:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 49,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14921285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/pseuds/MashiarasDream, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinnydandelion/pseuds/tinnydandelion
Summary: Everyone is only half of a whole, your other half is your soulmate and when you meet them your life will finally be complete. That’s what children learn in school and what everyone believes, Dean Winchester included. Only when he finally meets his soulmate Amara, things do not go as planned.Or: the one where Dean and Cas are not soulmates and it doesn't make a lick of difference.





	Profound Bond

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Dean Riordain for betaing! (Go check out his [stories](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanRiordain/pseuds/DeanRiordain)!) BTW Dean wants you to know to keep tissues close at hand when reading this story.
> 
> As always, leaving us feedback will make us looooove you! <3

 

Getting into the Impala feels like coming home. His car always gives him some peace with her smooth lines and her steady rumble. And there is a second of calm today, too, of letting the leather smell engulf his mind and crowd out all thoughts but the ones of endless roads, miles put steadily behind. The moment passes too soon, though, as reality returns with a buzz of his phone. _Not Amara, not Amara,_ he prays and sighs a sigh of relief when he sees the sender.   

_Cas @Dean: “I have an appointment in half an hour, I’ll leave the key under the flowerpot on the porch. Will be home at 3.”_

“Damn.” That’s not the news Dean wanted. He had been hoping Cas would be there when he got to his place. He had been hoping that they’d have some time to talk about what he had  from Sam. Or just sit on the couch and watch a shitty TV show and let his roiling mind calm down. Cas’ stoic calm always works wonders when Dean’s anxiety gets the better of him. Dean sighs and grips the steering wheel for a moment to let Baby work her magic. It was the best he was going to get. Because he had no right to demand Cas be there. To occupy Cas’ time like that. Cas had done enough for him. Hell, Dean has no idea why Cas sticks around his whiny ass at all.  

He takes a deep breath and starts writing a message back _._

_Dean @Cas: “Thanks. For letting me stay. For everything.”_

Dean deletes it and starts over.

_Dean @Cas: “Just left Sam’s. Will be there in 5. If you can hold out that long. Then there’s no need to hide the keys.”_

It’s not because he wants to see Cas. Not because he wants to get hugged hello. No, it’s just because the area Cas lives in isn’t the safest. Yeah, that’s it. Right. His phone chimes with the answering text.

_Cas @Dean: “I will be waiting. See you soon.”_

Dean’s mood immediately brightens. He’ll get to see Cas, even if it's just for a few minutes. Without any further ado, he starts the Impala. He hits the gas, keeping his speed close to the speed limit and listening to his favourite Led Zeppelin album, trying very hard not to think too much about what Sam has told him.

_In mutual agreement._

Dean turns up the volume another notch as if this could help him to get rid of the thought. It doesn’t help. Because he knows Amara will never ever agree to this. But he also knows that he has to try. And he’s not looking forward to that confrontation. In fact, he’s reasonably sure that Amara would rather see him dead than break their bond.

_The green line around his wrist starts to glow and underneath it a pale red line appears. He looks up and finds the woman who just brought in her car to the garage looking as confused as he feels. She’s wearing a sleeveless dress, allowing Dean to see her seal. It’s red and under it, a pale green line is forming that matches his mark._

_She comes closer, a fascinated look on her face. His own body reacts, too, moves towards her. She takes his hand and a warmth Dean has never felt before floods through him. It feels like he could do anything he wanted to do, be anyone he wanted to be, as if he could be whole if he just said yes to this._

_“So, you are my soulmate, huh?” The woman asks, though it doesn’t sound like a question at all. She lets her gaze roam over all of his body, assessing him and apparently judging him fitting for her needs because she nods and says, “I’m Amara. And you are mine.”_

Dean shudders at the memory. Even with the overwhelming feeling of their bond forming, the words had registered. It had taken a little longer for the warning bells to turn into screeching sirens, but those first sentences really said it all.

Finally, Cas’ house comes into view and Dean spots Cas sitting on the porch, drinking what will be tea from his travel mug, obviously waiting for Dean. It warms Dean's heart to see him there. Still his friend. Still his rock. Even after Dean told him about the whole Amara debacle.  

_“I’ll always be here for you, Dean. I’ll support you in this.”_

Dean has no idea whether Cas knows how much that means to him. Or how much he had needed to hear these words. What a relief it had been to be welcomed with open arms after his own apartment became hostile territory when he left a fuming Amara standing in his living room because she didn't want to hear Dean out.

That’s the thing Sam doesn’t get. Sam’s got a soulmate who cares and he assumes that every soulmate is like Jess. But Amara isn’t Jess. Amara doesn't care about Dean at all. She wants to own him so that she can shape him after the idea of him that she has in her mind. It’s painful to realise but he has never seen it clearer than yesterday.

Dean hurries to get out of the car and approach Cas.

“Hello, Dean.”

Cas’ voice is warm and it makes Dean smile. Even after everything he learned today, the smile is real. It spreads warmth in his gut at the same time that he tries to rein his reaction in. His friend. His rock. That’s what Cas is.

“Coffee, black,” Cas says and hands him a second thermo cup.

It makes Cas’ sleeve slide back, revealing his seal. It’s blue, like his eyes and the warmth in Dean’s gut turns into a cold knot. Cas told him he’d always be there for Dean but Cas hasn't met his soulmate yet. And his soulmate isn't Dean. That hope had been buried a long time ago, and Dean should bury his feelings, too, before they make him do something stupid. Cas deserves to be happy. Dean is sure Cas' soulmate will be someone very special.

“Thank you.” Dean finally takes the cup, making sure not to let his fingers linger when they brush Cas’.

He sits down on the chair on the other side of the small porch table and takes a sip. Cas makes the best coffee.

“Want to tell me what Sam said?” Cas asks after a few moments of silence.

“I assume you want a full report?” Dean asks, discomfort stirring in him.

Cas nods. “Yes. But only if it doesn't make you uncomfortable.”

Dean laughs uneasily. If Cas is reading him like an open book, what else is he reading in Dean? “First of all, it's me who should be worried about making _you_ uncomfortable. I’m basically invading your home and who knows how long I’m going to want to stay.” Dean gives himself the answer to this: _I’d kinda stay forever if you let me._ But of course that is something he can't say, so he just covers with a wide, charming smile.

Cas isn’t buying it, though. He frowns. “Dean, I told you yesterday, you can stay here as long as you need to.”

“Cas…”, Dean starts but Cas waves him off.

“No, Dean. I mean it. Here.” Cas lays a pair of keys on the table. “Those are yours now.”

It leaves Dean kind of speechless. “You are giving me keys to your house?” he asks in disbelief.

“Well, they’re not the keys to the neighbors’ house.” But when he sees Dean’s expression, he softens his words. “Yes, Dean, I do. It might be hard to believe but I actually like having you around.”

Dean stares at the keys, then at Cas, who waits patiently for him to take them. “Thanks, Cas. I owe you. And before you say 'I don't... I do.” Dean finally takes the keys.

Cas smiles and Dean kind of wishes he would stop at the same time that he wishes Cas will never stop looking at him with a smile. But Dean’s not used to people being this kind, this caring. Not where Dean is concerned. His own soulmate being a point in case. So Dean doesn't know how much longer his heart can handle this.

“Now tell me about your talk with Sam,” Cas encourages him.

Dean sighs. “Short version: I’m fucked. The long version probably gets in the way of your meeting. You should go.”

Cas waves a dismissive hand. “I cancelled. Hannah can do this alone. I called her right after you texted. This is more important.”

“Cas! You shouldn't have done that. My bullshit isn’t that important. _I’m_ not that important.” He knows how much his work means to Cas after all.

Cas shakes his head, a hard line settling around his mouth. “See, that's where you’re wrong. You _are_ important. To me, anyway.”

Dean tries very hard to ignore how his heart is beating fast. _This means nothing._ Or at least not what Dean wants it to be. Cas is his best friend, like he has been for years.

So Dean deflects. “Well, I guess you chose the right job. A _Guardian_ always knows what to say.”

There is a look of incredulity on Cas’ face before anger overtakes his features. “You of all people should know better, Dean. Yes, my work as a Guardian includes building up people who go through difficult times. That doesn't mean that I just say what they want to hear without caring whether it’s true. And it doesn’t mean that I see you as a client, either. You are important to _me_ , Dean. Why is that so hard to accept for you?”

Dean swallows hard and averts his eyes. He kind of deserved that one but that doesn’t make it any better. He wants to say something, anything, but he’s too afraid of what will come out of his mouth. The words pooling on his tongue are a sure-fire way to destroy their friendship. So he can’t. He needs Cas. And he can goddamn well be happy with what he has. He just has to. He’s going to enjoy it for every moment that he gets. Before… Dean's gaze wanders to Cas’ seal in reminder of the inevitable.

“Okay, you win,” Dean gives in. It's the safe thing to say. “I’ll tell you what Sam has told me, details and all. Though he went all lawyer on me at one point, so I can’t promise accuracy.”

“I am all ears,” Cas nods. He still exudes tension, though. Like their almost-fight left him rattled.

Well, nothing Dean can do about that. All he can do is forge ahead and get over with telling Cas the whole extent of the mess he’s in. “Okay, so. It’s not news to you that an Unsealing is not a thing people do. Sam said there are probably a handful of cases and they are handled all hush-hush. The only one he was certain about was one that blew up in the press a few years ago. Crowley vs. Abaddon. Apparently, it had all the drama. It also set down the judicial rules for an Unsealing. Cause, you know, all the politicians still think you’re supposed to stick with your soulmate and like it… God’s will and all that happy shit.” Dean shudders, well aware that he is partially speaking about himself at this point.

“Dean, even when you found your soulmate, this doesn't render your free will null. We’ve been over this.” Cas squeezes Dean's hand for a moment before letting go again too soon.

“Right,” Dean answers. “You said that yesterday. Don’t think your faithful brethren agree with you much on that, though. Sam looked it up, there’s a lot of religious initiatives petitioning to make breaking a seal punishable by law again.”

“I don’t care. That there’s a lot of them doesn’t make them right. You can believe in God and in free will. In fact, I happen to believe in both and that won't change. This is your decision, Dean. And only yours.”

Well, that’s definitely not the case but that isn’t what Cas means. So Dean nods. Still, he has to ask. “Does this - does this topic come up? At your work I mean? Do you have people like, umm,  me to counsel?”

Cas doesn't hesitate. “Everyone is unique, Dean.”

“That’s not - You know what I mean,” Dean grumbles. _Am I the only one who can’t live with this? Am I a freak?_ Shame burns high in his cheeks.

Cas sighs. “I have clients who are very unhappy with their situation, whether they’ve already found their soulmate or not. A soulmate isn't a guarantee for happiness. Even when society wants you to believe that. But again, Dean, you are not my client. You are my friend.”

“I know,” Dean says. “I really do.” He definitely wants to avoid a repeat of the almost fight.

“Well, in that case, tell me more about Crowley vs. Abaddon,” Cas demands.

That, Dean can do. He picks up where he stopped. “The case established the following rules: Both parties need to go to intense counseling for at least six months to work towards keeping the bond. If they both still want the Unsealing after that, they need to get an evaluation by two court-approved psychologists. Then a judge needs to approve the request. After that, there is another waiting period of ten days to make really really sure that everyone still wants the dissolution of the bond. If that’s the case, the seal will be broken by the Council. If at any point, one of the partners doesn’t want the Unsealing anymore, the whole deal is off. That’s the only legal way Sam knows how to do this, though he promised to look further into it. His hopes aren't high but maybe he finds other cases that could work in my favour.”

“You need her agreement,” Cas lays the finger directly in the open wound.

Dean nods. “And I’ll never get it. She made it pretty clear that she wants me. Or to put it in her words, that ‘ _we belong together.’_ ” He shudders again.

“But you’ll try to get her agreement?” Cas asks.

“Of course,” Dean sighs. “It's either the Unsealing or …” He doesn't even want to think about it because the thought alone makes him a nauseous. Spending the rest of his life with Amara is - unthinkable.

“Dean?” Cas looks worried now. More worried than he had a minute ago.

“Oh gosh, Cas, no. Not that. I’m not suicidal or anything. I just - I don’t want to be with her. And the thought of... “ He shakes his head. “She keeps touching me, too. I - urgh.”

Cas had already reached a comforting hand out towards him but now he draws it back.

“No, no. Not you. You can… Oh God,” Dean hides his face in his hands and mumbles through his fingers. “Don’t mind me. I really don’t even know what I’m saying right now. It’s been a fucking long day.”

There is the warmth of a hand on his shoulder and Cas’ calm voice. “We’ll figure it out, Dean. We always do. If you want I can also reach out to my colleagues, maybe someone can counsel you.”

“Want to get rid of me already?” Dean asks and it’s only half-jokingly.

“No,” Cas snaps. “Of course not. In fact, that’s exactly why I’m asking. I’m your friend, Dean. I’m here for you all the way but my opinion will always be biased. A professional who isn’t personally attached to you could help you more.”

The rare show of temper has already passed by the time he reaches the last sentence but Dean still ducks his head. He doesn’t want Cas’ patience to completely run out.

“I’m trying to help, Dean,” Cas continues softer. “And I know that you don’t trust people easily, but if you give it a chance, it could be a start.”

“Cas, they’re going to counsel me to keep the bond. Even Sam counsels me to keep it. And I don’t want that.”

“I’ll make sure they won’t. That it’s someone with an open mind. Okay? I promise they’ll help.”

Dean wishes he had the same positive attitude. All he sees in his future is darkness. Still, Cas looks at him with hopeful eyes and Dean can always bail on whoever Cas finds for him if it gets too bad. So he answers, “Yeah, okay. I guess you’re right. It's a start.”

Just then, Cas’ phone rings. He looks annoyed by it but when he sees the caller ID he sighs. “It's Hannah. I have to take this.”

“It's okay.” Dean waves him off.

Cas gives him an apologetic smile and answers the call while he walks a few steps away. “Hello, Hannah.”

Dean takes a sip from his coffee, watching Cas leave and contemplating about how in the fuck this has become his life.

Everything was so easy before this whole soulmate thing. Dean can only now truly appreciate it for what it was. It was _good_. But now everything is a mess and he has no idea if there is a way to get out of it.

He notices a woman with long brown hair standing at a car nearby and for a moment cold panic grasps him at the thought that she’s found him. That Amara is here and he isn't ready. Though he has a feeling that that will never change. He’ll never be ready. The woman turns and Dean lets out a relieved sigh. It's not Amara. He’s at Cas’. He’s safe here. She can't find him. Or at least that’s what he wants to believe. If she wanted to she probably could. She only needs to follow him or figure out who his friends are - not that she has taken the time to do this before now. But Dean has probably written Cas’ address down somewhere, and last he saw her, Amara _was_ in the middle of his living room, prime access to snooping around his life.

He shudders. Amara figuring out everything about his habits, about his friends, about every detail of his life feels bad. He’s been conditioned his whole life that you’re supposed to want to share yourself the minute your mark starts glowing, but to him it feels like a hunt. And he’s not the hunter. He’s the prey and she’s running him down.

 _She will find me._ She can't. _If she wants to, she will. You know that._ Even if, I am safe here. This is Cas’ place. _Are you sure? Cas can't be always here._ Fine. So if she finds me _I_ will deal with her. _Like you did when she came to your apartment?_

There is this dreadful pull that he can't escape every time he sees her. His mind screams at him to get away but his body moves closer. Her voice tells him that they are meant for each other. That he should give in so that all will be right with the world. His body wants to follow her suggestion. Wants to let go and find peace. And he’s not strong enough. Goddammit, he hadn’t been strong enough.

_He steps closer to her even while everything in him screams to stop. But the spell is so, so strong._

_“Dean!?”_

_She sounds confused. Like she can’t understand his hesitation. He takes another step towards Amara._

_“Dean!”_

_Her voice changes, the undertone of worry gone, her smile triumphant. She knows she’s winning. Dean can see it in her whole posture. Like a cat waiting for the moment to pounce, sure that the moment will come._

_She opens her arms to embrace him. “Yes, Dean, come to me.”_

_She’s still out of reach. And she’s not moving forward. He could still get away. If he could only make his legs move backwards. But they stubbornly carry him on. Another step. And another. And then he’s in reach._

_He wants to vomit at the first touch, wants to rip himself away but he’s frozen. Lets it happen when arms wrap around him, hug him close._

_But then things change. She lets him up until the only thing that’s left is a strong grip on his shoulder. And that’s - not what he expected._

So he opens his eyes instead of keeping them screwed shut like he had. And looks right into the bluest ocean-blue that he’s ever seen.

“Cas.” He presses the word out through a too tight throat. Shakes his head to clear it. A memory. It had been a memory. Not real.

“Dean.” Cas goes for calmth but it still sounds worried. “You were far away.” He is kneeling in front of Dean, his strong grip on Dean’s shoulder not loosening. “Are you back with me now?”

“Yeah,” Dean croaks out.

“Here.” Cas holds out his mug. Dean gratefully chugs down the last of the liquid. It makes his throat feel a little less constricted at least.

“It's okay. You’re safe here with me.” Cas says it with the intensity that is inherent in his demeanor whenever he focuses his full attention on someone.

Normally, it is appreciated. Right now, Dean can’t cope. He shakes Cas’ hand loose from his shoulder, heaving again.

Immediately, Cas gives him space. “Dean?” The worry has increased hundredfold.

Dean presses his palms over his eyes, tries to chase away the feeling of being trapped. Of being - violated. The thought makes the nausea worse, so Dean opens his mouth to breathe through it. But instead words tumble out. “She kissed me. I let her kiss me. I didn’t want to. But I couldn’t - I couldn’t move away.”

It sounds like such a small thing. It sounds so harmless. Hands and a mouth on his body. Not even any violence. It shouldn’t be able to make him feel like this.

The darkness behind his hands is too much suddenly, so he lets go, opens his eyes again. But he doesn’t have the courage to look at Cas. Doesn’t want to see whatever is on his face. So he stares at the wooden planks of the porch instead. They look solid. More solid than anything else in his life.

“Dean. Please look at me, Dean.”

Dean’s never been able to argue with Cas when he used that pleading tone. He doesn’t manage to actually sit up straight but he lets his eyes flit up to Cas’ face.

“I understand how scary this must have been. But there’s an explanation for it. For why you couldn’t move away. Do you want to hear it?”

And right, Cas is a Guardian. Cas knows all about this kind of shit. Dean nods.

“How long was it since you last saw her before she showed up at your apartment?” Cas asks.

“I don’t know. Couple of weeks maybe?” It had been 15 days and 7 hours. Give or take a few minutes.

“I thought so,” Cas nods. “Dean, I know this isn’t fun. That it feels bad. But the longer soulmates are apart, the stronger the bond works to get them back together.”

“So you’re saying if I spent _more_ time with her, it would be better?” A hysterical laugh makes its way out of Dean’s throat.

“Yes,” Cas nods.

“Not an option, man. Not an option.” Dean shudders.

“Well, ideally, you’d want to spend time with your soulmate. Things would be different then.” Cas tries for a lopsided smile that turns out more like a grimace. “Can you tell me what happened after the kiss? Did you, uhh…?”

“What? No way, man! I ripped myself away and ran. I came straight here!”

Something like relief runs over Cas’ face, the emotion gone too fast to be sure. “See? You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can fight this if it’s not what you want.”

That brings Dean up short. Both because he hadn’t thought about it that way - and oh, he’s sure Amara would have gone all the way if he had given her half a chance - and because of the _if_.

“Cas, man, I know it’s your job and stuff to bring soulmates back together when they’re estranged but this ain’t gonna change. I know it. In here.” He pats his chest. “It’ll never make me feel anything but - violated.” He mumbles the last word, the truth of it still too much to say out loud. But there is the distinct possibility that he’s going to have to live with this feeling forever. And if he can’t even get his best friend, the person who has always been there for him, to see the truth of it, then how is he ever supposed to convince Amara that their bond needs to be broken?

“I’m here for you, Dean. Whatever you need. You’re not alone.”

Relief courses through him but then Cas gets up and immediately everything in Dean screams _don't leave me._

But Cas doesn’t move away. He comes closer. “May I hug you?” he asks. “Or is touching still too much?”

Dean goes for a huff and snort, but it comes out sounding wet and like tears and instead of answering he shifts towards Cas in invitation. It’s enough permission for Cas obviously since he wraps Dean up in a tight hug.  

“The pull can't overwrite your free will completely. You chose to walk away. You will choose it again. And we will be here for you. I will be here for you. You won’t have to fight this alone. No matter what, you will not be alone. You can do this, Dean. We can do this.”

Cas words are soft but determined and Dean closes his eyes and wishes he could believe it.

“It’ll be okay, Dean.”

There’s a small movement then, and was that - did Cas just kiss his hair? His stomach tumbles over. But it’s different than before. There’s no nausea attached here. Just butterflies. And that - that isn’t right. That shouldn’t happen. Cas has his own soulmate and it’s not Dean. But the butterflies stubbornly stay and Dean doesn’t want to fight them. The fight against Amara takes about all he has anyway. And this, this feels nice. This feels good. Cas’ warmth surrounds him and breathing in the scent of Cas’ clothes, he breathes freer than he has in days.

So he lets himself have this. For just this moment. He sinks into Cas and lets himself be held. Lets Cas soothe away the memory of Amara’s embrace. Lets his scent invade his mind and overwrite the flowery scent of Amara’s perfume.

_Why couldn’t we have been soulmates? Why did the universe fuck this up? We would have been perfect._

But then, that’s Dean’s side only. Maybe for Cas, being soulmates with Dean would have been like being soulmates with Amara feels for Dean. The thought makes Dean sick. Never. He would never do this to Cas. If they had been soulmates and Cas didn’t want him, Dean wouldn’t have done what Amara did. He wouldn’t have forced himself on Cas. He would have let him go.

Even the thought makes him cling a little closer, though. But then, Cas doesn’t seem to mind. It’s just a hug between friends, after all. A way to support Dean. Because Cas is a Guardian, who supports people. And because he’s Dean’s friend. Something Dean will eternally be grateful for.

It doesn’t stop him from missing Cas’ warmth the minute Cas lets go. He keeps himself from reaching after him, though.

“Do you feel better now?” Cas asks.

Dean nods. “Yeah. Thanks. I think I needed that.” He scratches his neck embarrassedly. “Sorry for being such a wuss.”

“Don't,” Cas stops him sternly. “There is nothing to be sorry for. Not for this. Not ever. Understood?”

“Understood,” Dean nods because discussions with stern Cas are useless anyway. He even manages a shaky smile.

“Good,” Cas nods satisfied. “Then let's get inside and get you something to eat and drink. I have a feeling you need it.”

Cas holds his hand out and Dean takes it and lets himself be dragged up. Without any further words, he follows Cas inside.

***

Waking up the next morning feels unreal and strange. Not because it’s actually strange, in the opposite. Because it feels so familiar. Like Dean has been here forever instead of a measly two days. But then of course, he has stayed here before. Cas is a stickler for both safety and the law after all, so he would never let Dean drive when he had any alcohol. Dean might have had a beer or two more than he really needed more than once just for this reason. Because crashing at Cas’ place and waking his grouchy best friend, who was decidedly not a morning person, with pancakes and a strong brew of coffee were some of his best memories. He smiles, basking in the warmth of easier days for a moment, before his gaze falls on his phone.

It blinks menacingly at him.

He has notifications.

It could be Sam. It’s probably Sam. Hopefully. Uneasy, he picks the phone up and swipes over the screen.

_15 missed calls. 5 new messages._

Not Sam then. Sam would have bitched at him via text once and then waited for a call back.

The only one who knows he won’t call back is - He sighs. At least he had it on mute. At least he wasn’t there to take any of the calls. At least he never got around to set up his voice mail. So there will only be text. Thank the Lord for small mercies.

Knowing it makes no sense to delay the inevitable, he unlocks his phone to look at the wreckage.

All calls are from Amara. It’s not surprising but he had hoped he’d have a little more time. Three messages are from her, too. Dean prepares for the worst when he clicks to open the message thread.

_Amara @Dean: You felt it. You can't deny it. The sooner you stop running, the easier it will be. Let's be together, as we are meant to be._

_Amara @Dean: You need to talk to me. Stop hurting us. You and I are destined to be._

_Amara @Dean: I know you will come back to me._

Dean shudders at the last part and hopes it’s not a prediction of the future. But at least it sounds like she’s willing to wait him out. Meaning, she won't come looking for him. He hopes this interpretation is true. Everything else in the messages is shit that he’s already heard in several different varieties the last few times they met. It’s abundantly clear that she actually believes what she says. That everything would be good if Dean just stopped throwing a childish temper tantrum and decided to be with her as he should. When Dean told her that he’s equally sure that he would be miserable for the rest of his life, she had outright laughed at him. _I’ll make you the happiest man on Earth, darling, and there’s no question about it._ Like it was self-evident that his happiness lay in her. Like she knew more about what he wanted than he did. When she in fact, knew nothing about him at all, and hadn’t even deemed it relevant to change that fact by, you know, _asking_ him about what he wanted and listening to the answer.

Dean takes a deep breath. He doesn’t delete the messages but he closes the message string. He will ignore this. For now, at least.

There are also two messages from Sam, though, and those he has less qualms about checking.

_Sam @Dean: Bad news. I found only a few cases and they’re not making me hopeful. You have to get her to agree to an Unsealing. Call me in the morning._

_Sam @Dean: PS: We got your back._

Dean looks at the time stamp. 3am. He smiles and makes an internal note to thank Sam for working the whole night to find something.

He throws on a shirt and some sweatpants, pockets the phone and leaves his room. Maybe he can make breakfast for Cas as a small thank you for putting up with him. But to his surprise, he finds Cas already clattering around the kitchen.

“Good morning, Dean!” Cas brightens up as soon as he spots Dean. “Sit down, the pancakes will be done in a minute.”

“Morning to you, too,” Dean frowns and goes closer to the stove instead of sitting down. “Are you sure you haven’t been replaced by an alien overnight? I mean, usually you burn water, and these look good.”

“Shh, sit down, you imbecile,” Cas waves him away.

“Seriously, Cas, this looks fantastic.”

A happy blush spreads on Cas’ cheeks. “I practised,” he admits.

It would be adorable if that was a word he’d let himself think about Cas. And if this didn’t throw a wrench in his plan to at least spoil Cas rotten when he’s already camping at his house. But well, there’s always dinner.

Cas brings two mugs of coffee and puts a big plate of pancakes on the table before he sits down as well. There is a big bottle of maple syrup, too. The good stuff. That is actual syrup from actual Canadian maples and not just sugar.

“I hope you slept well,” Cas says and doesn’t hesitate to stack three pancakes on his plate, putting some butter on each of them before drenching them in syrup. “I personally dreamed that a giant rock was about to fall on me while I ran away, and I blame you for it.”

Dean chuckles. “You get nightmares from watching Indiana Jones? No wonder you almost didn't make it through Star Wars.”

“Pff. Not everyone can be as dedicated to Harrison Ford as you are,” Cas counters.

Dean is a bit impressed that Cas remembers that. He is pretty sure that he didn’t drool over Harrison yesterday. His thoughts were way too tangled in his own fucked-up situation for that. Though now that he thinks about it, maybe Cas proposed rewatching Indiana Jones because he wanted to offer Dean the comfort of watching Harrison Ford be a badass. “I was drunk when I told you that, man. It was supposed to be a sacred secret.”

Cas grins at him in a way that makes Dean think that he’s not as subtle about his celebrity crushes as he thinks he is. “I’m sorry, Dean, but it isn’t my fault if you freely hand me blackmail material.”

Dean shakes his head and pretends to be annoyed when really he is grateful for the lighthearted banter. “Oh, come on, Cas, that's unfair. You could at least give me some ammunition in return. But you never talk about your crushes.”

And okay, in terms of wheedling information out of Cas, that is probably anything but subtle. Cas seems to actually think about it for a moment, though, because he does the head tilt before he answers. “Well, if you must know, I find Chris Evans quite aesthetically pleasing.”

“ _Aesthetically pleasing_? Seriously, Cas?” Dean snorts.

Cas shrugs. “It's the truth. Also, he’s very cute with his dog. I follow him on twitter just for the photos and videos of him and his dog.”

Dean isn't sure whether he’s jealous of Chris Evans but for a brief moment he considers getting a dog. “I didn't know that you’re a dog person.”

Cas huffs. “I think those labels are overrated. I like dogs. But does that make me a dog person? Because I also like cats. Guinea pigs are cute, too. So maybe I’m just a person who likes animals? Or maybe, you know, just a person?”

And that has more bite than the topic strictly calls for. Dean’s got no idea what that’s about but he had enjoyed the levity of the morning, so he goes for a light and teasing answer. “You forgot the bees. You can’t forget the bees, man. I mean, you wear a bee costume every frikking Halloween.”

Cas frowns at him. “Bees are very important to the environment, Dean. And they are misunderstood. They only sting in self-defense and aren’t actually dangerous. In fact, without bees global agricultural production would decrease by...”

Dean holds up his hands. “Stop! I surrender. I’ve heard this speech before. I love your passion for bees but I remember this from the first two dozen times you told me.”

“If you say so,” Cas says with a doubtful expression. “I usually get the feeling that you’re thinking about doing maintenance on Baby while I talk about bees, so a few repetitions cannot do any harm.”

“You wanna do a car wash, Cas?” Dean grins.

Cas can’t keep up the stern face and cracks a smile. “You’re one to talk. I’ve seen the shorts you wear to wash her.”

“You’ve seen the shorts, you haven’t seen me in them.” Dean wiggles his eyebrows.

“Oh, you’re awful.”

“What? Are you saying I’m not as _aesthetically pleasing_ as Chris Evans? I’m hurt!” Dean lays a dramatic hand over his heart.

“I did not say that.” Cas fidgets in his chair, his eyes suddenly not wanting to meet Dean’s.

“You saying I’m pretty, Cas?” Dean teases because his mouth is faster than his brain can catch up with the shift in mood.

Cas shakes his head in one decisive shake. His mouth is tight when he says. “No, Dean. I’m saying that you’re beautiful.”

For a moment, Dean can’t breathe. Hope seizes his heart, sudden and strong. Clenches his insides, and he’s sure all blood is draining out of his face. But the moment doesn’t last. It never does.

Before Dean can find the words to answer, Cas looks back up. “I apologize. You are in a time of crisis. It is not the right time for jokes.”

Jokes. Of course. It was a joke. Dean’s heart falls. “‘s okay,” he mumbles. “I know that I’m fucked up. And screwed, according to Sam.” He sighs. “He did some more research. Looks like there’s no way around Amara’s consent to break the seal.”

Cas nods, face back to being soft and compassionate. “I know that things look bad right now. But on the plus side, I’ve thought about it and I think I know the perfect person to be your Guardian. You’re going to need one for the Unsealing, too.”

“It can’t be you, huh?” Dean says. Not that he really wants to be Cas’ client. But the thought of spilling his guts to a stranger is not comforting, either.

“No, Dean,” Cas shakes his head. “I’m too close to this. I couldn’t offer you any professional support even if I wanted to. Which doesn’t mean that I won’t be here for you because I will,” he hurries to assure.

“Alright,” Dean nods. “I trust you. Who is this person?”

“Her name is Charlie. I think the two of you will get along. I’ll ask her about taking you on when I see her at work today. I have the day off tomorrow, so if she has a free spot then, I can introduce you.”

And that sounds - fast. But then, the faster this situation is resolved the better. Because technically, he is missing without any good cause at work right now. “Sounds good. The sooner things get moving, the better. I won’t get fired for missing a week at work, but I don't want to leave Bobby and Garth hanging.”

“They’re your family more than anything else. I’m sure they understand. Also, Jo will pounce on the opportunity to take over your shifts.”

“She better not get too good at my job,” Dean grouses and with that they are back to easier topics.

They spend the rest of breakfast talking about work in general and they clean the dishes together, working in the comfortable kind of silence that happens when you know each other well and work together without needing words. _The kind of silence soulmates should share,_ Dean catches himself thinking.

“I need to go to work,” Cas says with a sigh after everything is done.

Dean nods. “You go. I’ll be okay.”

“And if not...”

Dean interrupts him. “I’ll call. I promise.”

***

After Cas left and made him swear _again_ to call if Dean needs something, Dean sits down on the couch and looks at his phone. He is relieved to find no new calls or messages. It’s been a while since he’s stopped answering any of Amara’s attempts to communicate with him via his cell phone, so maybe it’s finally sinking in. Yeah, right. He snorts at his own foolishness. Then he rereads the messages from this morning. He looks at the clock and decides that Sam had enough beauty sleep. He hits the call button.

Sam picks up after the second ring. “Hey, Dean.”

“Hey, Sammy. Up already?”

“Don’t call me Sammy. Also, you’re the one who called,” Sam retorts. “But yeah, I’ve been up for a while. I never sleep well while there’s still a ton of research waiting for me.”

Dean immediately feels guilty. “Sorry about that,” he mumbles.

“Yeah, yeah, big brother, pain in the butt. Whatever. So listen, I looked into Crowley vs Abaddon, and boy, that was one big mess. Without the Unsealing, those two would have killed each other at some point, I have no doubts.“

“Sounds like fun.” Dean wonders how long it would take them to reach that point. He’s doubts he’s ever going to be able to tackle her physically. And not even just because of the pull. He grimaces when the thought conjures the whiskey smell of his father’s breath. His only shot would be something long-range then. Far enough away to not start shaking. But what would his body even do if he tried pointing a gun at Amara? Could he go through with it?

“I hope you are not contemplating that,” Sam breaks into his thoughts with eerie accuracy.

“It's worth consideration,” Dean grumbles.

“This isn't funny, Dean!”

“Well, I wasn’t laughing.”

“Dean!”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Sorry. Gallows’ humor and all.”

Sam sighs a long-suffering sigh before going back to business. “Have you talked to her already?”

It’s Dean’s turn to sigh. “Not yet. I don’t think I’m gonna like the answer.”

“Maybe she surprises you,” Sam says hopefully.

“Yeah, right. I wish. Did you find anything else?”

“Well, if one or both of you were mentally incompetent…”

Dean groans. “I asked for useful information.”

“Sorry,” Sam shrugs. “I wish I had better news but I don’t. Legally, there isn’t much you can do on your own.”

“Yeah, I got that.” Dean rubs a hand over the top of his head. All of this is giving him a headache. “The system is fucked up.”

“I’m aware. I became a lawyer to at least help where I could after all.”

“Wanna become a politician instead and change the frikking laws?”

Sam snorts. “You gonna be my campaign manager?”

“And what an awesome team we’d make. The mechanic who wants nothing to do with his soulmate and bleeding-heart human rights lawyer on a tour to win the hearts of America. We’d get about three votes. And they’d be pity votes from our family.”

Sam laughs. “I’m sure we could rouse a dozen people or more. If we threw all of the twenty-five bucks we have to our name at it.”

That makes Dean laugh, too. “Hey, you’re the hot shot lawyer, you’re supposed to get us through now. I’m not going back to five-finger-discounts.”

“Yeah, please don’t,” Sam says. “I mean, I’m grateful and all. But I don’t want any additions to my brother’s arrest records.”

“Well, then you better find me a legal way to divorce the second half of my soul.”

“I’m doing my best, Dean,” Sam sighs. “Alright, I gotta go. I’ll keep you posted, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You keep me posted, too? Call me if you need anything?”  

“Sure thing,” Dean nods obediently. “And thanks.”

“No problem. See you.”

“See you.”

The line goes dead and Dean lets himself fall back onto the couch. He’s not sure whether talking to his brother made him feel better or worse. Both, probably. It was also the last thing on his list of things that he can do other than contacting Amara. So logically, that’s his next step. Contact Amara, tell her that he wants an Unsealing. He grimaces. Yeah, that’s going to go over well.   

His thumb hovers over the call button for a minute before he decides that he can’t do it. Judging by their last interaction, even hearing her sticky as honey voice will make him want to vomit. He needs a little longer to steel himself for that. He hits the message button instead.

_Dean @Amara: We need to talk._

The answer comes within seconds. As if she is sitting with her phone in hand waiting for his message. He shudders.

_Amara @Dean: I knew you would come back to me. Let's meet. Tonight? My place._

There goes all will to write anything more. If he can’t break this bond, he has a feeling his will to live won’t be far behind. He throws his phone on the table and stares at the wall. Why her? It makes no sense to him why the universe would do this to him.

“Why, universe, why?”

He actually says it out loud but of course the universe doesn’t answer. Unless the bland disinterest is his answer. Maybe the universe doesn’t care. Maybe mistakes like this happen all the time because the universe stopped giving a fuck a long time ago.

His phone buzzes again.

He dreads looking at it. But then, maybe the universe is telling him something after all. So he picks up the phone. The message is from Cas.

_Cas @Dean: Talked to your potential Guardian. She is free this afternoon and would stop by at my place. Is 2pm okay for you? I won't be home before 4._

_Dean @Cas: Sounds great. Texted Amara. She wants to meet. Would you come along?_

_Cas @Dean: Of course. If it’s before 4 I can talk to Hannah to change shifts. Just tell me when._

_Dean @Cas: Nah, she told me tonight at her place. No way I’m doing that. I’ll shift it to tomorrow. You’re free then, right? Thank you for coming with me. I don’t think I could do this on my own. I don't know how I can ever repay you._

_Cas @Dean: Yes, I have the day off tomorrow. And we talked about this. There's no need for repayment. I have to go see a client now. Take care. I’ll see you later._

Dean takes a deep breath. Alright, with Cas at his side he can do this.

_Dean @Amara: How about tomorrow, 3pm, at the Heavenly Cafe?_

_Amara @Dean: I will wait for you._

Dean is sure she will.

***

After texting Cas the info about the meeting tomorrow, Dean has nothing to do and so the day isn't moving forward at all. Dean watches his way through some new series on Netflix and it pulls him in enough that time passes marginally faster at least. He’d go grocery shopping for their dinner later but Cas’ fridge is actually decently stocked. And it’s definitely too early to start cooking.

So when the bell rings at 10 minutes to 2pm, he is glad to finally get some company, even though he is still a bit unsure about this whole Guardian thing. But at this point anything is better than being alone with his thoughts and a mediocre TV show.

“Hi!” The redhead in a Legend of Zelda sweatshirt greets him with a friendly wave. “I’m Charlie. You must be Dean.”

She seems to have a sunny disposition but there’s something fierce about her smile. This one is not to be underestimated. “Yeah, I’m Dean. Please, come in.”

“So these are Cas’ fancy digs, huh?” She looks around curiously.

“Uhh, don’t know about fancy but it’s kind of cozy. I like it,” Dean shrugs.

“Bet you do. Here, I brought Mario Kart.” She fishes in her messenger bag for the game. “I brought the console, too. I kinda doubt that old man Castiel has ever played a video game in his life.”

Dean cracks up over the _old man_ . “Heh. I dragged him to the arcade often enough when we were younger. He wasn’t half-bad at _Crazy Taxi_.”

“Dude, that’s so last century. Last millennium, actually.”

“Well, so is Mario Kart if you want to get technical.”

“Guess you’re right,” she agrees amiably. “So, come on, old man, let’s play.”

“Hey!” Dean scoffs. “Not old!”

Charlie rolls her eyes. “Help me set up and I’ll let you be Mario. Unless you’d rather be Princess Peach.”

“God, no. I hate her. She always blue-shells me.”

“I know, right? She’s obnoxious as shit,” Charlie nods enthusiastically.

She keeps chatting about the pros and cons of the different characters while they install the console. Dean’s got to admit, he is still a bit thrown. He has no idea what he expected but it was more along the lines of an awkward heart to heart over a cup of coffee and less racing down Rainbow Road.

Finally, they have everything set up and can start playing. Dean chuckles when he clicks on Luigi. Charlie raises an eyebrow at him.

Dean shrugs, though he’s still smiling. “Pity Sam isn’t here. That’s my brother. I’d make him get Mario. Then I’d be the tall brother for once. Cause Sam’s a moose.” Dean trails off lamely. He frowns when he notices that he’s just volunteered a piece of information about himself. She didn’t even have to ask. Huh.

“Well, Luigi, prepare for a hard battle,” Charlie grins and selects Bowser.

“Dude, you’re not one of those, are you? Who do nothing but ram other people off the road?”

“Wait and see,” Charlie smirks. “So, want me to go easy on you or start with Rainbow Road?”

“Rainbow Road is fine,” Dean answers, trying to project a confidence that he doesn’t feel. He remembers Rainbow Road, yeah, but mostly he remembers falling off of it and that was when he was playing video games semi-regularly.

Charlie chuckles. “You have a tendency to bite off more than you can swallow, don’t you?”  But she clicks on Rainbow Road anyway.

Predictably, it takes exactly to the first curve before Luigi falls off the course.

“Possibly,” Dean answers with a sigh. “But wasn’t there something about believing in your abilities yada yada?”

“True,” Charlie nods and easily makes it through a split-road section while Luigi is still being hefted back up onto the road by unseen forces. “But there’s also such a thing as practice.”

“I guess so,” Dean grumbles and is more careful this time when he hits the gas again.

They play in silence for a bit, Dean trying to get the hang of the game while Charlie easily passes him twice.

“So - Practice course?” Charlie asks him after Bowser does his little victory dance while Luigi hasn’t even made it through the second round yet.

“Yes, please,” Dean nods.

“Good choice,” Charlie agrees and sets them up on a beginner’s course.

“So is that my first life lesson?” Dean asks.

Charlie shrugs. “Depends. Did you need it?”

Dean thinks about that while kicking Princess Peach off the road with a green shell. “You can’t really practice for that whole soulmate shit, though, can you?”

“Nah, that’s always a jump into cold water,” Charlie agrees. “The support booklets spout some bullshit about our genetic makeup preparing us for the unique connection we’ll share with this one special person, but if you ask me, the support booklets know jack.”

Luigi rams into Toad, shoving him out of the way right in front of the goal line, making Dean come in 8th out of the 12 characters, while Charlie won easily again. “Another round?” he asks.

“Sure,” Charlie nods.

While the game reloads, Dean watches Charlie from the side. Jumping into cold water. Dean guesses that that’s the best way to go about this, too. He hits the gas for the next round and says, “Did he tell you? Cas, I mean. Did he tell you that I want an Unsealing?”

“Whoa!” Bowser drives clean off the road while Charlie stares at him. “What did you just say?”

Dean doesn’t look at her, keeps concentrating on Luigi over the rapid beating of his own heart, but he repeats. “I want an Unsealing.”

Much to his chagrin, Charlie presses pause and touches a hand to his arm to make him look at her. “That’s a pretty hefty thing to say.”

Dean manages to look her in the eye for about two heartbeats before he turns away again. He shrugs. “It’s the truth. I don’t want to be with my soulmate. It makes me sick to even be near her.”

Charlie takes that in quietly. Dean looks at his hands, fiddling with the remote control. He half expects the conversation to be over. Either because Charlie tells him that Unsealings are against her religious beliefs, so she can’t counsel him on this, or because she says he needs help to see that he’s wrong on this and that he needs to accept his soulmate to lead a happy life. At which point he’s going to throw her out of the house, whether she’s Cas’ friend or not.

“You’ve made up your mind already.”

It’s not a question. Dean nods.

“Okay. So I assume what you want from me isn’t counseling on how to make things work out between you two?”

“No. Cas said I need a Guardian for the Unsealing process. And that it can’t be him.”

Charlie’s voice is thoughtful when she answers. “Yeah, I can see why he would recuse himself.” She takes a deep breath. “Alright, an Unsealing it is. Who says that life doesn’t hold new experiences anymore. I’m gonna have to do some homework on this, though. You’re my first.”

Against his will, Dean snorts. “I hope I make it good for you.”

Charlie chuckles. “I’ll have you know that any attempts at flirting are going to be completely lost on me. Even without taking the whole soulmate thing into account, your body does nothing for me.”

It’s Dean’s turn to raise his eyebrows at her. Charlie shrugs, completely at ease with what she’s just said.

“I wasn’t. Flirting. Scout’s honor,” Dean promises.

“Alright then. Who would you flirt with?”

“What?” Dean asks, taken aback.

Charlie shrugs. “Well, it’s as good as any other topic to start to get to know you.”

“But why do you need to know that?”

She sighs. “Look, Dean, you were frank with me - which I appreciate by the way - so I’ll be frank with you. Unsealings are a shitty process. And if I’m going to be your Guardian for this, I’m going to have to write a detailed report on you. On your state of mind, on your surroundings, on your stability and on a whole bunch of other stuff that I’ll have to look up in detail. But an Unsealing can’t be undone. So the judge ain’t gonna grant it unless the work has been done. It doesn’t matter whether you’re both sure. You need to prove both your suffering and that you have the necessary resources to cope with the fallout.”

“So, you’re saying it’s going to be intrusive as shit.”

“Yes,” Charlie nods. “And that’s the best case scenario.” She sighs. “Dean, I like you. I’ll go down this road with you. But I’m not gonna lie, Rainbow Road is child’s play in comparison.”

“She’s not on board. Amara. My soulmate.” Dean scrunches up his face. Even saying it feels wrong. Like a stain on his soul that won’t come off no matter how hard he scrubs at it.

“Does she know?” Charlie asks.

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “Not yet. But we have a time and date. To meet. Where I’ll tell her. Cas is going to come with.”

“So Cas is the person you rely on the most in your support network?”

“Uhh, yeah. Him and Sam, I guess.”

“Your brother.”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “The moose. He’s -,” Dean breaks off for a moment. Then he takes a deep breath. “He’s important. Don’t tell him that I said that, though. He’s gonna make fun of me. But yeah, I care about him a lot.”

Charlie smiles. “Does he care about you the same way?”

“Uhh,” Dean’s never really thought to qualify that. “I mean I kind of raised him. So I guess sometimes he’s needs to - you know, spread his wings and fly. Get away from the family for a bit. And that’s good. I mean, he’s always been the smart one. He went to Stanford on a full ride.” It’s always strange, thinking about that. On the one hand, Dean’s so proud of his brother that his heart could explode, on the other hand, having Sam all the way in Cali was not his favorite experience. It’s so much better now that Sam is close again.

“That’s pretty impressive,” Charlie agrees. “So he’s lawyering it up in sunny California?”

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “Huh. Guess I never thought about it, but I guess he moved back here for me. It’s not like there’s anything else binding him to this city.”

“So he cares about you as much as you care about him?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Dean’s a bit flabbergasted by that revelation.

“So, you’re all bluster on the outside but have a few self-worth issues on the inside.”

“What?” Dean huffs. “I didn’t say…”

“Dude,” Charlie talks over him. “You want to play Rainbow Road but it’s a heureka moment for you to figure out that your brother loves you. Doesn’t take a psychic to figure it out.”

“Uhh,” Dean is at a loss of what to say. The only thing he knows is that this is getting uncomfortably close.  

“Look, Dean, you’re not the only one who judges their value by the time it takes them to hack the Pentagon instead of by their intrinsic values.”

“What?”

Charlie grins. “Okay, slight self-insert there, maybe. But in any case, you’re selling yourself short and that’s a thing I want to work on with you.”

“You have met me about ten minutes ago. You have no idea who I am!” Dean snaps.

“True and false. I met you in person today, yes, but I’m friends with Cas if you remember.”

That brings Dean up short. “He… he talks about me?”

“Yes, he does.”

“Uhh…”

Charlie slaps him on the shoulder. “Dude, if you tell me next that you don’t know that you’re the most important person in Cas’ life, I’m gonna spend the rest of the afternoon driving Luigi off the road in retaliation.”

That shuts Dean up. Because yes, Cas is his rock, but the other way round? Cas has Hannah and Charlie and Gabriel and he’s a Guardian and - and it feels good what Charlie just said. So Dean lets himself smile. “Cas is pretty cool,” he admits quietly.

“Also dreamy,” Charlie nods. “So let me summarize: Your brother and Cas are the most important people in your life, your parents aren’t in the picture, and you sell both your intelligence and your lovability short. Did I forget anything so far?”

“Uhh, no?”

“Oh, and you don’t like talking about your feelings,” Charlie smirks and points towards where he has defensively crossed his arms over his chest.

“I guess,” he mumbles and makes a conscious effort to relax his posture.

She chuckles. “It’s fine. You’re doing pretty well for a first timer. I had people not say a single word the first time they met me. Awwwwwkward.”

“Is that why - Mario Kart?”

Charlie shrugs. “I found that it helps. You want to play another round?”

“It’s okay.”

“Just cause I’m gonna win?”

“Okay,” Dean grumbles. “Let’s play.”

“And you’re competitive,” Charlie smirks. “Though not as competitive as I am!”

She hits play before he’s even got the remote in his hands again. “Unfair!” He scrambles to catch up.

“Life isn’t fair, Luigi.”

And that’s nothing but the truth, so Dean doesn’t comment and instead does his best to make up the places he’s lost due to the cold start.

“I have no siblings,” Charlie says apropos of nothing in the middle of the last round on this course.

Dean isn’t really sure what to say to that. “You don’t?”

“I’ve always wanted some. A sister to share secrets with. A brother to rough house with. Someone to play video games with. I was homeschooled, you know.”

“Sounds sucky.”

She shrugs. “It was and it wasn’t. My parents aren’t bad people and they’re good teachers and stuff. But parents tend to win all fights. And they never have the same interests you have.”

“Well, at least they stuck around.”

“Your parents didn’t.”

Dean shrugs, the topic not his favorite. “My mom died when I was four. And my Dad…” He shrugs. “He never got over it.”

“Losing a soulmate is hard,” Charlie says quietly. “It’ll be hard even when it’s your decision to lose them.”

“I’m aware,” Dean grinds out between his teeth while trying to race down the homestretch. Of course that’s when Princess Peach sends him a red shell. “Goddammit,” he grumbles when three more carts drive by him before he makes it over the goal line.

“I tell you, the Princess is an asshole. Or an assbutt, as Cas would say.” Charlie turns to him in commiseration.

That’s when he sees it.

The sleeves of Charlie’s sweatshirt have ridden up with her concentration completely on the game. There’s a wide black wristband covering her skin. He can’t stop staring, missing his cue when the new race starts, alerting Charlie to his rudeness. She follows his line of sight and immediately shakes her sleeve back down to cover her forearm.

“I’m sorry,” Dean mumbles because staring is rude and staring at a wristband is even worse. But he still sees the afterimage as if it’s burned into his retinas.

John had sat whole evenings staring at the damn thing. The _Deathband_ , people call it. Covering up the scars of a broken seal. Of a life taken away.

“It’s okay,” Charlie shrugs.

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “My father never liked it when I…” Staring at the band was the quickest way to get a beating. Especially when his father was drunk, and even for Sam, who never really got in trouble otherwise.

“Death is a fact of life, Dean,” Charlie says.

“How did you… I mean you seem so happy… My dad never…” Charlie lets him ramble until Dean is sure his face is beet-red. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask.”

“Actually, I appreciate frankness in this as in everything else. Most of my clients notice at some point. Actually, most of everyone notices at some point. But all that usually happens is that people avert their eyes and politely avoid the topic. Doesn’t necessarily make you feel any better, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” Dean nods. People had reacted to his dad the same way. Averting their eyes and politely moving on. Dean kind of thinks that if someone had looked closer they might have seen the two suffering children behind John’s imposing figure. “My dad he - never talked about it.”

“Not even to a Guardian?”

Dean shakes his head. “Only counsel he ever accepted was from Jackie D. ‘s what killed him in the end, too.”

There’s a long moment of silence after that. And yeah, there isn’t much to say to it, Dean guesses.

But then Charlie puts her remote to the side and puts a hand on his shoulder until he looks up at her. “I will not let that happen to you, Dean. I’ll help you get through this. It won’t be fun. But you _will_ get out the other side. I promise.”

And somehow, somehow he believes her.

***

Dean feels weird when Charlie is gone. He should feel lighter or something, he guesses, but really he feels itchy and restless. Charlie was nice enough to him while she was here, but he has no idea what she’s going to write up in her report. He grimaces. _Family business stays in the family, Dean. Don’t you go snitching to strangers._ His Dad’s words ring hollow in his ears. It’s been a long time since Dean was a kid confessing to a teacher that he’d fainted because he’s given the last few granola bars to Sam, but he can’t stop the feeling of guilt. He’s trying to do this by the books, and that means involving the Guardians. But yeah, he knows his Dad would have gone a different route.

What would his Dad think of Amara? Something along the lines of _the universe gave you someone who is strong enough to lead, you should be thankful about it, God knows you weren’t born a leader yourself_ probably. Dean shudders. He may not have been born a leader, but he sure as shit doesn’t feel like becoming a mindless follower again, either. _Daddy’s good little soldier._

And okay, these thoughts are starting to seriously creep him out and he needs to do something productive or Cas will find him a quivering mess in the corner instead of getting the nice dinner that he deserves.

So Dean goes shopping for the few things he needs to make dinner. It means braving the outside world and Dean’s still a bit paranoid about public places, expecting Amara to show up any minute, but he keeps his mind focused on the goal of the operation (burgers and pie - because burgers are Cas’ favorite and pie is his) and that helps. Cas deserves all the good things in the world and Dean can already hear him moaning around his burger because that’s what he always does, and it’s mostly something silly that Dean laughs about but he can’t help but wonder whether it’s close to whatever sex noises Cas makes.

Immediately, he shakes his head to clear the thought. He’s not going to perv on his best friend, who is currently helping him through an Unsealing. Dean’s not _that_ messed up. Still, thinking about Cas is better than anything else he’s been thinking about so far today, so Dean decides that as long as he can keep his mind out of the gutter, thinking about Cas is a small vacation from the world of shit he’s stuck in, and that since he can’t do anything about any of that right now anyway, small vacations are allowed.

He thinks of Cas’ bedhead while he slices apples for the pie. Of the way Cas’ hair sticks up in all directions, whether he’s fresh out of the shower or coming in from work. While making the crust, he thinks of how the crease in his forehead seems to be a permanent feature sometimes, but then they’ll watch a funny movie and Dean will laugh himself silly only to notice that Cas is looking at him with a soft smile, all the tension having bled out of him, if only for a short unguarded moment. Maybe it’s those moments, Dean thinks. Maybe those moments make up for all the other shit Dean brings with him. He’s got to hope anyway, because he hasn’t got all that much else to offer.

For all that he’s been thinking about Cas for the better part of two hours, Dean jumps halfway out of his skin when a voice suddenly says “Hello, Dean” in the middle of meat prep.

“Jesus Christ, Cas,” Dean pants. “Don’t do that! I could have cut my finger right off!”

“You’re not even holding a knife,” Cas points out.

“Well, in theory!” Dean exclaims but his heart-rate is calming down already. He shakes his head. “Sorry. I’m a bit more paranoid than normal these days. Welcome home, Cas.”

“I understand,” Cas says. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, man, I’m not old enough yet to get a heart-attack from one little fright.”

Cas rolls his eyes, though it’s not enough to cover up the worry underneath the affected exasperation. “I meant in general, Dean. Did things go well with Charlie?”

“She hasn’t reported back to you yet?” Dean can’t keep the defensiveness out of his voice.

“Dean, she would never! What you talk about will stay strictly between the two of you.” He stretches out a hand as if to lay it on Dean’s shoulder reassuringly but then thinks better of it. “She did mention something about a - console?” he adds with a puzzled little head tilt.

It’s adorable enough to banish the crap to the back of Dean’s mind for now. “Oh dear, she was right,” he chuckles. “You’re even more of an old man than I am.”

Cas looks even more puzzled at that, and Dean doubles over laughing for a moment. He tries to rein it in before Cas’ puzzlement can turn into actual hurt. “Jesus, Cas you’re funny,” he wheezes. And after he’s calmed down a bit, “She left her gaming console and Mario Kart. It’s a racing game. I can teach you later.”

Cas looks at him a little bit like Dean is an exotic exhibit at the zoo or like he just spoke Martian, so Dean decides to shoo him out for now. “I’ll explain later, I promise. Now go, get out of your work clothes and find something with a loose fitting belt line. Between the burgers and the pie you’ll need it.”

That makes Cas smile. “I look forward to it.”

“Yeah, yeah, now go, let me work or there won’t be any food.”

Cas nods and retreats to his bedroom while Dean gets serious about the burgers. But he has everything well-prepped, his timing on burgers an automatic reflex by now.

“Beer?” Cas asks when he comes back.

“Sure,” Dean nods and turns to smile at his friend. “Jesus, Cas.”

“What?” Cas frowns. “I didn’t startle you this time, did I?”

“No,” Dean nods and gulps. “It’s just that - never mind.” But he can’t quite rip his eyes off his friend. He’s wearing old jeans, fraying at the edges and ripped in more places than one. And an old oversized t-shirt. Combine that with the bedhead and well - _well-fucked_. That’s the only word that comes to Dean’s mind about how Cas’ get-up makes him look. “Jesus,” he coughs and makes a deliberate effort to turn back to the stove. It’s going to be an interesting night.

“Did you decorate?” Cas asks astonished.

“Uhhh,” Dean can feel the blush spread. “Not much? And we don’t have to light the candle or anything, I just, you know, wanted to make it nice. Since you’re putting up with me and everything.”

“Dean, it’s lovely!” Cas comes back to the counter, setting the beer bottles back down, and gives Dean an awkward little half-hug that Dean can’t really reciprocate because he’s got burger ingredients all over his fingers.

“It’s okay, Cas. Oh, and I made sure that your papers stayed exactly as they were sorted. I put them on the shelf in the living room for the time being.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

Dean bites his lip but he smiles. “It’s nothing, Cas. Really.”

“It’s _lovely_ ,” Cas repeats determinedly. “We’re going to need glasses.”

Dean chuckles but at the same time it feels good. Dean made an effort and Cas not only doesn’t take it for granted, he makes an effort as well.

“I should have worn better clothes,” Cas frowns down at himself once the beer issue is settled. “I chose them because you said loose waistline but I feel underdressed now. Should I go change?”

“It’s fine, Cas,” Dean chuckles. “You make a very cute hobo.” And judging by the way Cas’ face turns red, that was either too flirty or too much of an insult. Dean doesn’t wait to find out and instead unceremoniously shoves Cas’ plate into his hands. “Food,” he says unnecessarily.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas repeats.

“Yeah, yeah. Come on, let’s eat.”

 

They eat in silence for the first bit, well, in silence apart from what Dean knew was coming. What he didn’t know was how Cas’ moans around his food would play together with his _I’m too well-fucked to care what clothes I wear_ look. Dean kind of has a hard time remembering to swallow around his own bites of burger and not just openly stare until Cas has finished eating. Though he guesses that if he did that, there’s a good chance that he’d have to excuse himself to the bathroom at some point.

Dean gulps heavily.

It’s not news to him that Cas is good-looking and it isn’t even really news to him that he finds him attractive. It’s just - Dean’s worked his whole life under the assumption that sex was just sex until you met your soulmate. Once you’ve done that, you do the whole relationship romance thing. And thus, he’s always taken care to keep sex to just sex, and form no attachments. Anyone who meant anything to him was off limits. Because you don’t ruin a good thing just for a romp between the sheets.

Only now, he’s met his soulmate and on the surface, she’s an attractive woman. She’s got cleavage and even though he’s more of an ass than a boobs kind of guy, nice cleavage is nothing he frowns upon. And his body responds to her, too, there’s no doubt about it. Only his mind doesn’t. His heart doesn’t. And maybe he should try harder, maybe he should get over the fact that he’s terrified whenever he’s in a room with her, maybe he should cook for her and have a candlelight dinner with her - and goddammit, Cas actually lit that fucking candle. It messes with Dean’s head is what it does.

“Dean?” There’s a steadying hand on his arm. “What’s wrong?”

Cas’ voice shakes him out of it. The worried frown on Cas’ face has made the crease on his forehead even steeper than normal.

“Shit,” Dean says when he notices that Cas has devoured his two burgers already while he’s not even done with the first of his. “Want my second burger?” He’s not so sure he’s hungry anymore.

Cas gives him a supportive smile but doesn’t back down. “No. I want to know what’s wrong.”

Dean wipes his hands on his napkin to give himself a few moments. “Just got thinking, is all,” is what he finally settles on. “How we’re having a candlelight dinner with each other instead of with our soulmates, because you haven’t found yours yet and I can’t stand to be with mine.” He sighs “Kind of not how I expected this to go.”

Cas’ smile falters somewhere in the middle of the speech, and yeah, Dean guesses this isn’t Cas’ ideal option, either.

“I’m sorry,” Dean apologizes. “Now I’ve ruined the mood.”

“That’s - Dean, that’s fine. I’m sorry that things didn’t turn out the way you hoped. I’ve always wanted for you to be happy.”

There’s a heaviness about Cas’ words that makes Dean look up at him. It seems like the dark bags under Cas’ eyes have managed to multiply in the short span of the last two minutes. “Same. I mean, I want you to be happy, too, Cas. If there’s anything I can do to help with that, you let me know, right?”

Cas nods tightly before visibly forcing a smile on his face. “You made me burgers. That makes me very happy, Dean.”

“Anytime.” Dean’s answering smile covers the pain about as well as Cas’ smile does.

They nod at each other in acknowledgement and then mutually and without further words decide to drop the topic.

Dean finishes his burger while Cas plays with his last few fries.

Dean’s just decided to wrap the second burger for later because otherwise there won’t be space for pie in his stomach, when Cas speaks up again. “How much do you want me to tell my brother?”

“What?” Dean asks taken aback.

“You texted me that you chose my brother’s cafe as the meeting point for tomorrow. I would deem it helpful if he was informed about the situation.”

“What’s he gonna do? Have a spray bottle and spray me every time my body decides to move too close to Amara?” Dean snorts derisively.

“Well, Gabriel has helped out with me at the dog shelter before,” Cas replies drily. “So he would know about that.”

Dean buries his face in his hands. “Don’t let your brother spray-bottle me, Cas. Please?”

It’s Cas’ turn to snort. “I’ll do my best to dissuade him. But I was being serious, Dean. My brother is not a bad person. Underneath everything. He might be able to help. And if it’s just that when he knows _,_ then between the two of us we could probably manage to bodily separate you and Amara if necessary.”

Dean thinks about that offer. It doesn’t sit right with him. “Cas, I - I’m not sure. I don’t think Amara cares very much whether someone gets hurt. I’d rather if you stayed far enough back that that doesn’t happen.”

Cas frowns at him. “Dean, you _asked_ me to come with you.”

“I know. And I want you there! It’s just...  I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you. So maybe you could, I don’t know, stay on the other side of the room or something?”

Cas looks at him like he’s grown two heads. “You want me to do _what_?”

“Umm,” Dean rubs his neck sheepishly. This is not going as well as planned.

“Dean, you do know what I do for a living, right?”

“Uhh, you’re a Guardian.”

“Yes, Dean,” Cas agrees exasperatedly. “I’m a Guardian. Are you aware of what Guardians do, Dean?”

Dean kind of gets the feeling that the way Cas keeps repeating his name does not spell good things for him. “They help people?” he hedges.

“They _guard_ our society. Dean, believe it or not, but I’m not actually a baby in a trenchcoat.”

“I apologized for that!”

“You apologized for saying it to my face,” Cas bites. “I’m not weak, Dean.”

“I know!” Dean snaps. “What do you think why I came to you? Because you’re my rock! You’re the only one I can trust with this! The only one I trust who isn’t my little brother! The only one who doesn’t look up to me! Who I don’t have to be strong for!”

The outburst is met with astonished silence. Dean rubs a tired hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again. “I can do the dishes on my own if you want away from me for a bit. Or, I don’t know, I can go find a place if you want me out of your house.”

“Dean.” This time, it sounds sympathetic. “Oh Dean.”

And that doesn’t sound like Cas is going to throw him out, even though Dean shouted at him in his own house. That’s something. “I’m an asshole, Cas. I know it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Cas says softly. “I’m here for you, Dean. I understand how stressful all of this is for you. That living with me is - not ideal. But we’ll get this done and then - things will look better then.”

“Yeah,” Dean says. “I’m looking forward to a happy life on my own.”

Cas’ lips draw into a tight line. “I know that you mean that sarcastically, but, Dean, a soulmate is not all there is to life. You are a whole person on your own.”

“You sure about that? Cause the world at large thinks otherwise.”

“The world at large is wrong,” Cas says heatedly. “There are people who do not fall into the norm. Who do not have that one person to spend their happily ever after with. And their lives are _not_ meaningless. In fact, they are no less than anyone else’s at all.”

And yeah, Cas must be meeting these people in his profession. No wonder that he’s passionate about this. “I know, Cas,” Dean soothes. “I know. I didn’t mean any offense. It’s just that I didn’t expect it, you know? The mark’s been there for so many years, waiting. Kind of killed my life plans a little when the whole thing went bust.”

“Yeah,” Cas closes his eyes for a long moment. “Your life plans. That was what we were talking about.” When he opens his eyes again the smile on his face is obviously fake. “We’ll get them in order somehow. It’s not unheard of that people develop a second mark after their partner died. Maybe this is how it’s going to work for you. Maybe the second time will bring the person you want.”

“Oh hell, no!” Dean half jumps out of his chair. “That can happen? There’s a chance that I have to go through all of this shit _again_? Please tell me that that’s not true!”

Cas looks at him puzzled. “But you just told me you didn’t want to spend your life alone.”

“But I don’t want another fucking soulmate! I want to have a _choice_ in who I spend my life with!”

“Huh,” Cas sits back in his chair, staring into nothing for a moment. “I guess I haven’t really thought about it that way. If you have no mark, then you get a choice.”

“Well,” Dean shrugs. “I guess the other person gets a choice, too, so you’d have to be lucky to find someone who’s up for that.”

“Yes, but if you did, you’d have _chosen_ each other. No one made the choice for you.”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “Guess that’s right. So now I just gotta get that Unsealing done and then find some poor chap who wants to spend his whole life with me out of his own free will.”

Cas raises an eyebrow at him.

“Or gal,” Dean amends. “I’m not all that particular.”

“As long as they’re not your soulmate,” Cas deadpans.

“Apparently I’m fussy about that,” Dean agrees. “So, umm, we good?”

Cas gives him a nonplussed stare, but then his eyes soften. “Of course, Dean. We’re good.”

“Okay,” Dean sighs a breath of relief. “And you can tell him. Your brother, I mean. I have a feeling it might end up being a scene. So it’s better if he’s warned.”

“I’ll call him in the morning,” Cas nods. “Thank you, Dean.”

“No, Cas, thank _you_ ,” Dean says and means it from the bottom of his heart. Then he adds before it can get too serious again, ”So you got some more time?”

“The evening is yours.”

“Well then,” Dean grins. “Come meet Princess Peach.”

***

“I should have just sent her an email,” Dean grumbles low under his breath.

“Dean,” Cas squeezes his hand encouragingly, “You can do this. I know that you can.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean sighs but the way his stomach is already rebelling does not inspire any confidence in his abilities to live up to Cas’ trust in him.

“Gabriel and I will always be near, Dean. We’ll make sure nothing happens.”

Dean lets his head drop to the dashboard of Cas’ car. He groans. He doesn’t even want to think about it. “Please don’t let me kiss her,” he mumbles towards his feet, not sure whether he’s debating this with God or asking Cas for help. Suddenly, he sits up straight again. “Don’t let me leave with her, okay?” he says frantically. “Even if it looks like I want to go with her. Don’t let me out of your sight, okay, Cas?” He grabs his arm and shakes it for emphasis.

“Of course not,” Cas reassures though his eyes have turned even more worried than they were a minute ago.  

“Okay,” Dean tries to calm down. “Okay.”

“That’s it,” Cas encourages him. “Deep breaths. You’re doing so well.”

Dean huffs a mirthless laugh. “You are of course aware that if you hadn’t insisted on driving I’d already be halfway out of town, right?”

“Well, I’m glad that you trust my driving skills still after yesterday.”

And that makes Dean snort a real laugh. “Thanks for not wearing a mushroom hat.”

Cas draws himself up tall. “I’ll have you know that I’d look great in a mushroom hat.”

 _Adorable_ is the word Dean would have used, but out loud all he says is, “Yeah, alright, Toad. Come on, let’s get this over with.” He takes another deep breath and gets out of the car, Cas following close behind him.

She is already there.

Dean freezes like a deer in the headlights, Cas running into him, unable to stop his motion in time. For a moment, it’s as if the whole world goes quiet. Dean is dimly aware of the chatter in the cafe, but all that consciously registers is that Amara’s eyes are already fixed on him.

He flinches when suddenly there is a hand on his shoulder. He almost punches Cas before his brain registers that yes, that is his best friend’s hand that’s touching him and that’s okay.

“I can still go with you, Dean,” Cas whispers urgently. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

“No,” Dean shakes his head, eyes already drawn back to Amara. “No, I do.”

He is already moving forward when a hand on his sleeve draws him back.

“Here,” Cas presses something into his hand. “Hold onto this.”

Dean looks at the object in his hand in a daze. His vision is going dizzy whenever he’s not looking at Amara. He presses against the corners of the thing. It’s jagged and rough, the metal edges digging into his palm. The jolt of pain brings him back a step. It’s an amulet. A feather. Beautiful even though it is uneven and rough. Dean closes his hand around it again, making a fist hard enough that the pain spikes again. The effect is immediate. “Thanks, Cas,” he mumbles, though his eyes already find Amara again.

“You can do this,” Cas repeats, and Dean thinks it would be more appropriate to wish him good luck, but he doesn’t disagree and moves forward.

Amara gets up when he’s made it about halfway to her. She’s wearing a smile that mostly bares teeth.

Dean can feel the hair on the back of his neck standing up. His movements change, too. He was tense before, but now he’s actively trying to slow his walk. To no avail. It makes his movements wooden, every step forward halfway against his will. He doesn’t give the fight his all, is too scared that he would try with all of his might to withstand and would still find himself moving forward.

“Who was that?” Amara asks in lieu of a greeting, letting him go from her gaze for a heartbeat to scowl behind him.

“No one important.” The lie slips out uneasily.

“Hmm,” Amara narrows her eyes at him.

Dean tries for a charming smile, tries to make her forget that Cas even exists. He’s too scared of what she might do to Cas if she figures that he is important to Dean. “What do you say, want to sit and talk?”

The effect is immediate, her eyes lighting up. “Of course. I’m so glad you came to your senses.”

He answers that with an uncomfortable shrug. He definitely didn’t. But his brain is currently occupied making his hands cooperate and stay in his lap instead of lying on the table where Dean knows Amara will grab onto them. He closes his fist around the feather hard.  

“Hello, handsome stranger, what can I bring you?”

He flinches at the same time that Amara starts growling. In fact, she half gets out of her seat, putting herself in between Dean and Gabriel.

“Whoa,” Gabe holds his hands up disarmingly. “Cafe owner and all, flirting with the guests is for tips only. No need to feel threatened.”

“Bring him some coffee,” Amara barks. “Black.”

“Umm, usually our customers order for themselves.”

Gabriel’s eyes find Dean who stares blankly for a moment. He has no idea where Amara knows that from. Receipts that he didn’t throw out and that she found when she was at his place? “Coffee is fine,” he says weakly. What else did she find when she was there? Does she have Sammy’s address? Cas’? He should have warned them. Or never have brought them into this.

“I’m sorry,” Amara turns her smile back on him. “I get protective. He shouldn’t be flirting with you.”

“It’s just Gabe, he’s harmless,” Dean says quietly.

“You _know_ him?” There’s an edge to Amara’s voice and a dangerous sparkle in her eyes.

“Not like that. I’ve been here before, that’s all,” Dean defends immediately. “Really, I don’t know him more than having heard his name.”

She tilts her head to the side, fixing him with a stare that’s lost much of its warmth. Not that Dean thinks the warmth had ever been real. “I don’t like being lied to, Dean.”

He shudders. “I’m not lying,” he says stubbornly, though even he can hear his voice wavering.  

“Good,” Amara answers sharply. Then her wide smile is back. “I’m so glad that you called me to ask me to meet with you, Dean. I’m so happy to see you!”

Dean can’t honestly say the same but he plasters a smile on his face and doesn’t remind her how often she called his phone before he finally reacted.

“Dean,” she holds out a hand on the table, palm open and inviting. “I’m really glad to see you.”

It takes all that he has to keep the hand with Cas’ charm under the table and that doesn’t leave enough brain power to control his other hand, too. He wants to cry as he sees his hand sliding over to hers. When she squeezes his fingers it has nothing of the reassuring feeling that Cas’ fingers had around his. Instead, it feels like the metal bars of a cell swinging shut, trapping him inside.  

If she notices how Dean has started shaking, she doesn’t give any indication of it. She slowly brushes her thumb over his wrist. His mark reacts every time her finger comes close, tingling and humming and Dean wants to hurl at the way his body is reacting to her.  

“Are you feeling better now, love?” Amara asks him, voice gone soft.

“What?” Dean rips himself out of his stupor.

“I know that it was overwhelming, finding your soulmate. It’s not a thing you do every day, after all, is it?” Her smile wants to say that it’s soft and understanding. “I could see how much it rattled you, so I gave you the space you needed. I want us to be happy. I want you to be happy, Dean.”

She looks at him expectantly, so he nods dumbly, not sure what to say to this. She gave him his space? He fled, making sure she couldn’t find him, right?

It’s then that Gabriel comes back with his coffee. He frowns when he sees Dean’s hand in Amara’s but doesn’t comment. He’s almost on his way back to the kitchen already when he turns back around to Dean. “We have a special on apple pie today. You just have to tell me. If you need it. I mean, if you want it. Okay?”

“That will be all, thank you,” Amara talks over him.

Gabriel ignores her, keeps staring at Dean until Dean nods. “Apple pie, yes. I understand.”

“You want a piece right now?” Gabriel asks and comes back a step.

The pressure on Dean’s hand increases painfully where Amara holds it.

“No, thank you,” Dean says subduedly. “I’m not - not hungry right now.”

The pain where the bones of his hands had gotten crushed together retreats until there’s just a leftover pulsing where the blood rushes back into his fingers.

“You heard him. Move on,” Amara bites.

“Okay. Just let me know if you change your mind,” Gabriel nods. He sends a worried glance back at Dean where Amara can’t see.

“So, where were we?” Amara asks pleasantly as soon as Gabriel is gone. She doesn’t seem to have any intention of letting go of Dean’s hand so that he can drink his coffee. “Ah yes, the past few days. Did they help you clear your mind? I understand that you went to see your brother. How is he?”

It’s impossible to miss the way Dean blanches when she mentions Sam, he’s sure of that. But Amara merely holds his gaze, her teeth a pearly white where they shine between her lips.

“He’s, umm, good,” Dean stutters, thinking frantically. “We’re not, we’re not that close anymore ever since he went to Cali. You know that, right? That he went to California to study law?”

She smiles benevolently. “At Stanford. He’s quite the bright one, isn’t he?”

She doesn’t say it but Dean hears it anyway. _Unlike you._

“Is he going back to the sunny South soon?” she asks.

“I - I don’t know. Maybe,” Dean answers confusedly. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“Well, it would make much sense for him, to go to where his career options are best. And now that we have found each other, he doesn’t have to stay just to take care of you anymore. That’ll be a relief for him.”

She’s still smiling sweetly, even as she rips a hole open in Dean’s chest with her words. He’s thought it before, after all, how there’s nothing here for Sam. Apart from Dean. How there isn’t really any other reason for Sam to stay here. Apart from that he worries about Dean. Is Dean no more than a burden for him? Holding him back?

“You can tell me, love. What is going through that pretty head of yours?” Amara encourages him.

“I never wanted to hold him back,” Dean whispers, his voice not cooperating.

“I know,” Amara sooths. “I know. I know that you love him. But it’s all working out for the best now. You’ll see. Things will be so good in the future.”

“Yeah.” Dean can’t really rip his gaze from where Amara is holding onto his hand. He could try to rip himself free. He’s not sure what Amara would do with an affront like that.

“Dean? Look at me.” Amara’s voice holds that slight edge again and Dean couldn’t stop himself if he wanted. He looks up at her. “I’m glad that you came around and we can leave the unpleasantness of our last meeting behind. I feel like we need to talk about it, though, so that there are no hard feelings. Don’t you agree?”

“Yes?” Dean hedges nervously.

She smiles even wider. “I knew you would agree.” She pats his hand like he did good. “Now, Dean, it was not nice what you did. Kissing someone and then running away for days is not mature behaviour. I didn’t even know where you were or that nothing bad had happened to you! Not to speak of the fact that it hurt my feelings. I’m ready to forgive you because I don’t want us to start our life together on the wrong foot but I will need an apology from you.”

“An apology?” Dean croaks out.

“Well yes, Dean, of course. It is important that you can see when you hurt me and make amends for it.” The edge in her voice gets sharper with every word until her voice alone could cut glass.

“Yes,” Dean echoes dumbly. “An apology. Of course.”

“Well?” Amara prompts.

“I - I’m sorry that I ran away without telling you where to.”

She smiles at him again. “Thank you, Dean. I gather this means that you won’t do it again?”

“I - of course not.”

“Good,” Amara nods and lets go of his hand to get out her phone. “So give me your current address. Unless you’re moving back to that hole in a wall you call an apartment?”

Dean snatches his hand back like it got burned. In fact, the seal still tingles and Dean can barely keep himself from scratching at his skin, the urge to just physically destroy the seal almost overwhelming. Of course that wouldn’t work. It would just grow back. A feeling of despair slams over him in a wave.

“Dean? Your address?”

“A motel. I stayed at a motel.” Dean says quickly.

She narrows her eyes suspiciously, her lips tightening into an angry line.

“I needed some time to think,” he tries to give her a disarming smile. “I think best on my own.” _I don’t like being lied to, Dean._ But he can’t tell her. He can’t tell her about Cas. It’s not safe. If he knows nothing else, he knows that. He can’t let her hurt Cas. He tightens his fist under the table to feel the reassuring ridges of the feather. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you." He'll apologize a hundred times if that helps. If it makes her forget about Cas. "I'll go back home now. You'll know where to find me."

"Home?" Her frown doesn't lessen. "Dean, that hole is not home. It is not big enough for the both of us. And to be honest, it's not really up to par.”

“What - what are you saying?”

“That we’ll move together at my place of course, dummy,” she laughs sweetly. “The penthouse is a modern and open space. I’m sure you’ll like it. In fact, if you want we can go there right now. We can always get the stuff you really need from your old place later.”

“I - What about my furniture?”

“Oh darling.” She pats his hand that has somehow found its way onto the table again. Dean is sure he hadn’t allowed his hand to do that. “I understand that your things have sentimental value to you but when you see the place, you’ll understand why they won’t fit our common life. It’s okay. I have the money. We’ll get you a new wardrobe, make you a bit more - presentable. It’ll be fun.”

And that’s the moment when Dean understands a second thing. And that is, that he has to get out of here. That if he stays, it’s only a matter of time until he’ll follow her home. “I need to go to the bathroom,” he says abruptly.

He doesn’t move, though, looks up at her until she smiles and nods. Only then does his body unfreeze. “Of course. Don’t be too long, though. I get lonely.” She winks at him.

He tries to keep his hands and legs from shaking when he gets up but he isn’t sure he’s doing a decent job of it. It’s like fighting through mud, getting away from her. His head is dizzy. He keeps his eyes on the floor, does pointedly not look in the direction of either the bar or the entrance where he’s sure Cas has found a table somewhere.

It’s a relief when the door to the gents’ falls closed behind him. He leans against it for a moment, breathing heavily and trying to regain his bearing. Then someone tries to come in. His heart hammers in his chest immediately, but he moves to the side. It’s not Amara, who comes in, though, it’s Cas.

“Dean! Dean, are you okay?” Cas is in his space immediately, frantic hands searching him in featherlight touches.

“Shit. Cas,” Dean fends him off, “you can’t be here. She can’t see you with me. It’s bad enough that she saw us come in together. I tried to make her forget that. You need to go.”

“Dean…”

“I mean it, Cas. You have to leave. Go back home. I’ll call you when I can.”

“Dean, no!”

“Cas, I mean it! It was a bad idea dragging you into this, you have to go!”

In answer, Cas drags up Dean’s hand in front of his face. It’s the one Amara was holding. There are finger-shaped bruises already forming. Dean hadn’t even noticed them until Cas dragged his hand into the light. Dean tries to snatch his hand back but to no avail. “Dean,” Cas’ voice falters.

“It’s nothing,” Dean bites. “Just a bruise. She didn’t like it when Gabe started flirting. Maybe tell him not to do that again.”

“Dean!” Cas’ mouth hangs open and he lets go of Dean’s hand after all.

And okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. “Look,” Dean sighs and rubs the newly freed hand through his hair, “you and I both know that I’ve gotten through worse. This is nothing. I can handle it, okay?”

“Dean, _no_!”

Cas looks so shocked that Dean closes his mouth. He’s got no idea how to explain it to him. Cas is just - a good guy. He expects the best of people. That’s what makes him a good Guardian, Dean thinks. People want to live up to his expectations. It makes them be their best self. Dean knows that it’s definitely true for him, too. But this here, this is different.

“Cas,” Dean takes his hands. He won’t have much time before Amara will miss him and come looking for him. “Remember what I told you about Sammy and me? About when we were kids?”

“You were his parent more than his brother. You raised him. You fed him and clothed him and…”

“... and I kept him safe,” Dean interrupts him.

“From John,” Cas says quietly.

“From Dad, yes. From assholes at school. From myself when I had to. Cause he’s - he’s important to me. You’re important to me, too, Cas.”

“No.” Cas doesn’t draw away from Dean’s touch but his whole face closes up. “No, Dean, that’s not how this is going to go. We have been over this. I’m _not_ Sam. It’s not your responsibility to keep me safe. I can keep myself safe. And I will stand by you. Whether you think it’s the best course of action or not.”

“Cas…” This was definitely not what Dean wanted to achieve.

“She _hurt_ you, Dean!” Cas’ voice is angry now. “Right there in a room full of people, in what was supposed to be a civilised conversation about the future!”

“Cas…”

“No, Dean, that’s _not_ okay! I’m not letting you go back in there on your own.”

Cas lets go of him just to cross his arms in front of his chest. He’s blocking the doorway, staring Dean down.

For a moment, anger wells up in Dean, because no one ever listens to him or lets him handle his own problems and - _don’t let me leave with her,_ Dean hears his own voice in his mind and the full force of his conversation with Amara suddenly hits him.

She wants him to move in with her. In fact, she wants him to not even go back home but go with her to her apartment right now. And Dean? Dean’s got no idea how to get out of that. How to convince her to listen to him. How to even get enough words out to start on this topic.

His anger deflates, leaving him weary. “Apple pie,” he says defeatedly.

Cas nods like that makes perfect sense to him. Maybe Gabe told him.

“There’s a back exit,” Cas says. “It’s staff only, she won’t see us go.”

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “She needs to know. And she doesn’t yet.”

Cas mulls that over for a second. “You want to go back in.”

Dean laughs angrily. “I want to make it so that none of this ever happened. But I can’t get what I want, so I’m gonna go back in.”

“Okay,” Cas nods. “Then I’m going with you.”

“Cas, she’s - she’s possessive and she’s dangerous. It’s not safe.”

“I understand,” Cas nods. “I’ll put an alert in the system as soon as we’re home, okay? We flag people with violent tendencies.”

“She’ll know I lied to her. I told her I stayed at a motel. She’ll find your address.”

But all that happens is that Cas’ face gets ever more determined. “I’m not leaving you, Dean.”

“Cas.” But Dean can hear the weakness in his voice. Can feel the tears of relief prickling in the corners of his eyes. He’s never had that. Someone who is as steadfastly by his side as Cas is. “Here,” Dean presses the little metal feather back into Cas’ palm.

“You can keep it if you want. You still have to face her again.”

Cas tries to push the feather back into Dean’s hand but all Dean does is close his own fingers around Cas’, encircling both him and the amulet.

“I don’t need it anymore. I have you now, right?” Dean tries for a small smile.

Cas’ eyes find his, searching his face with an intensity that’s unusual even for Cas. Finally, he gives Dean a small smile back, though his voice stays serious. “Always.”

 

They go back in together, shoulders close enough that they’re brushing with every step.

Gabriel spots them even before Amara does, his eyes going wide and worried. Cas nods at him, his face more determined than ever.

Then Amara sees them. Immediately, she’s up on her feet. Dean shouldn’t have given up the feather quite yet. In a moment of panic, he seizes Cas’ hand instead. Anything to hold on to and stop him from acting on the way his body wants to betray him.

Cas takes it in stride, grasping Dean’s hand firmly.

“What is the meaning of this?” Amara seethes, gesturing between Cas and Dean but fixing Dean in her stare. “Dean?”

For a heartbeat, Dean is frozen. Then Cas squeezes his fingers.

“I’m not moving in with you,” he mumbles.

“What was that?” Amara comes a threatening step closer, somehow managing to tower even though she’s shorter than Dean.

Immediately, Cas pushes forward, puts himself between Amara and Dean. “You heard him,” Cas bites.

Amara regards him like he is a maggot, so far beneath her that she has to think about whether she wants to spend the energy to crush it. “This is between me and my soulmate. Get out of my way before I forcibly remove you.”

“No.” Cas spits the word into her face. “I will not.”

Amara’s face turns beet-red. Dean can see it, how she is losing control but more than that, he can feel it. It’s like a storm brewing, starting from her, reverberating in his seal and spreading outward from there.

He tugs at Cas’ hand hard, makes him stumble a step back into Dean, allowing Dean to put his other arm around his front, pulling him back and shielding him.

“I’m not yours. And I never will be. I want an Unsealing!” He shouts it at her because that’s the only way his voice will cooperate.

The whole cafe falls silent, the quiet radiating outward like the heart of a tornado.

“We need to go,” Dean pushes at Cas, urges him backwards, away from her before the eye of the storm passes and the winds will rip them apart. “Now!”

“Don’t you dare!” Amara’s voice freezes him when they’re barely three steps away, his body seizing up. “Don’t you dare walk away from me!”

It’s now or never. Dean’s grasp slips against Cas’ palm, his hands wet with sweat. But he pushes through it, tugs at Cas again and the minute Cas moves, Deans legs work as well. Without turning back, he drags him towards the exit.

There’s a rush behind him, Amara running forward, he’s sure, and then there’s a shout and Dean’s pretty sure that was Gabe, and then there’s the crashing of overturned chairs and then there’s a shriek above it all. “ _You are mine! And if I can’t have you, no one will!_ ”

It’s the last thing he hears before the door falls shut behind them.

***

They don’t drive home. Instead, Dean tells Cas to drive out of town. Just away. Far enough away that there are no humans.

Cas complies without question.

As soon as they’re out of town, Dean tells him to turn into a dust road between corn fields. They stop a few hundred yards in. Just in time for Dean to rip open the car door and stumble out to empty his stomach into the grass next to the road.

He retches until there’s only bile coming up.

When he turns back, Cas is already holding out a bottle of water for him. Dean takes it gratefully. He uses a few swigs to rinse his mouth and then chugs a few hearty swallows.

He is still shaking, but he doesn’t feel like he’s going to pass out any second anymore, when he finally comes back to the car to lean against the hood next to Cas. “I gotta call Sam,” is the first thing he says. “She knows about him. His place isn’t safe anymore.”

Cas doesn’t question it, just nods. “I can flag her in the system but we can’t get a restraining order until she actually does something.”

“No offense, Cas, I know you believe in the system and all, but I don’t think a restraining order is going to do jackshit against her.”

Cas nods. “You’re probably right. And I doubt we’d get a judge to see our perspective on this anyway. Restraining orders against soulmates are not a thing that usually happens.”

Dean smiles gratefully at the use of _we_. “Thanks, Cas. For being there for me. Even though I fear that your place isn’t safe anymore now, either.”

“We’ll deal with it. For now, I think we need to get everyone up to speed and come up with a plan.”

“Everyone?” Dean asks.

“Invite Sam over to my place. This afternoon if it’s at all possible. And you had an appointment with Charlie anyway, right? I’ll try to find out from Gabriel what happened at the cafe after we left. I’m kind of hoping that he called the police on her. That way she’d be preoccupied for a few hours at least.”

Time that they could use to regroup. Because they have no idea where to go from here. It hits Dean like a ton of bricks. “She’s never going to agree to an Unsealing.”

“No,” Cas shakes his head. “No, I fear she isn’t.”

***

“The police let her go?” Dean sits on Cas’ couch, framed by Cas and Sam, while Charlie and Gabe have taken the chairs. But even they are sitting somewhat too close. Like they’re all huddling around him to protect him. Dean isn’t sure whether he finds it comforting or claustrophobic.

Gabe, who insisted on coming even though Dean told Cas to tell him it wasn’t necessary, nods. “As soon as she told them that her soulmate upset her, they were all understanding.”

Dean snorts because that is easier than acknowledging the shudder that runs through him. “Right.”

Gabe shrugs. “I know. But she was all charms and no bite with the police. If I hadn’t seen… I would have believed her, too.”

“It's probably for the best,” Sam weighs in.

Dean raises his eyebrows. “How so?”

Charlie looks severely unhappy but she says, “Because there won’t be a record of her not agreeing to an Unsealing.”

Sam throws an uncertain glance at her before looking at Dean. Dean shrugs. He’s known his Guardian for all of a day. He’s got no idea how she’ll react to the - less savory side of the Winchester brothers.

“Well, if you want to build a case,” Sam starts hesitantly, “it’s better if she immediately agrees to an Unsealing as far as the documents go.”

And yeah, Dean can see what Sam is trying to do here but really, who are they kidding? “She won’t,” he interrupts his brother. “She won’t agree. Ever. I mean, you and Charlie, you weren’t there today, but Cas and Gabe can back me up on this.”

“Dean, that’s not actually good back-up…” Sam says but Cas interrupts him.

“She is dangerous. It is a _danger_ to go and try to convince her. She _hurt_ Dean.”

He sounds so angry that it gives everyone pause. Dean cautiously puts a hand on his knee. “Hey, Cas, I’m okay. Nothing bad happened.”

Cas’ eyes flash fire. “You have bruises!”

“He does?” Sam asks. “What? Where? How?”

Dean closes his eyes for a deep breath before turning to his brother. “I can make pictures for you if you want to document it.”

“Dean, that’s not why I…”

“But it’s a good idea,” Charlie chimes in. “Take witness statements, too.” She gestures at Gabe and Cas.

“Jesus Christ,” Dean rubs a hand through his hair. “Stop making me sound like a domestic abuse victim.”

All eyes turn to him. He’s pretty sure he blushes beet-red, too.

Immediately, Cas lays a protective hand over Dean’s but he still turns to Sam with the question, “Can we use this? Violence against your soulmate is a pretty big red flag.”

“Can I see?” Sam asks Dean and his tone is that of his little brother when he stubbornly asked Dean to show him whatever damage their Dad had done so that he could bandage it as necessary.

“Sammy, it’s just a bruise. It’s nothing like…” But he breaks off because his brother is doing the puppy dog eyes and Dean’s never found a tool against them. So he draws his hand out from under Cas’ and pushes up the sleeve of his plaid.

The bruises are finger-shaped and they’re turning black. Amara’s definitely got some strength and she didn’t hold back.

Sam stretches out his hand as if to touch Dean’s arm but then draws his hand back. He clears his throat but it does little to cover the pain in his voice. “We should definitely document that.”

“You should.” Charlie has apparently watched their exchange closely. “Though I already have to warn you that spousal abuse cases are a shitty procedure and the success rates are low.”

Cas nods bitterly. “ _What destiny has brought together, man should not rip apart_ ,” he quotes.

“One of my personal favorites,” Charlie says grimly. “Right along with _in good times and in bad_. As if hitting your spouse is some sort of bad phase. There are even some Guardians who…” She shakes her head. “But nevermind. What I want to say is: Dean, I’m on your side. Whatever action you take, I’ll back you up. But I can’t promise you you’ll win a court case for an Unsealing based on this.”

She nods at the bruise on his wrist and Dean quickly rolls down his sleeve again. All of this attention on him is giving him the creeps. But then, his brother’s eyes are wide and watery and Cas still looks ready to commit murder, so Dean guesses it’s better if he stays as unemotional as he can.

“What would you counsel in a case like mine?” Dean asks Charlie.

Charlie fidgets at the question, looking nervously at Cas before her eyes settle back on Dean. “The official guideline tells me that I should counsel you to stay in the relationship and communicate better to make the violence decrease.” She holds her hand up when Cas opens his mouth. “I know. Believe me, Cas, I know. The problem is, there aren’t that many other options. People who have the money and connections sometimes manage to disappear. To a new continent, if they want to be safe. Others, well, others…”

“They don’t survive,” Dean finishes the sentence for her.

“Not an option.” That comes from Cas and Sam at the same time, both suddenly looking three times as alarmed as before. Which is actually kind of impressive.

“I didn’t say that I was considering suicide,” Dean says. As far as attempts to calm his family go, it’s unsuccessful, because suddenly he has Cas holding onto his one arm while Sam is holding onto the other. “Jesus Christ. Guys! Will you let go of me!”

“There are other options, you know.” It’s the first time in a while that Gabriel has said anything in the conversation but he definitely gets everyone’s attention now. He looks grim.

“There are?” Cas asks.

“Yes, brother, there are. Though you might not like them. There is a reason I’m not a Guardian anymore.”

“You were a Guardian?” Charlie asks surprised.

“Yup,” Gabe nods. “A waste of my potential, if you ask me.”

“Gabriel!”

“Oh come on, Cassie, I make great lattes!” Then he turns back to Dean. “I also do other things. Or know people who do them.”

“Like?” Dean asks.

“I’m not sure you want the active Guardians and the lawyer in here if you want to discuss this, Dean-o,” Gabe cautions.

“I’m not leaving Dean!” Cas immediately exclaims.

“Yeah, I’m not going, either,” Sam shakes his head.

“Yeah, I kind of expected that,” Gabe nods amiably. “Which is why I was asking Dean.”

Dean’s still got both his brother and his best friend hanging off of him and now they’re also turning anxious eyes on him. “If you can deal with this, you throw them out,” Dean capitulates under the onslaught. Not that it takes that much for him to capitulate. Not when he’s actually glad that he doesn’t have to go through this alone. “But Charlie, if you want to go, go. I have a feeling that even listening to whatever we talk about next is probably a violation of your code of conduct or something.”

Charlie looks from one of them to the other, her eyes staying on Cas for a long time. Then she nods like she’s decided something. “Well, the system is hypocritical and it sucks. So, as long as I can help, I’m in.”

Gabriel nods at her in a way that makes Dean thinks he’s a little impressed. “I’m getting the feeling that you’re more fun than my brother. Let’s have a drink sometime.”

Charlie laughs. “Right. No. Sorry but you’re not my type.”

Gabe shrugs. “Nah, can’t be. I’m everyone’s type.”

“Gabriel, please.” But at least Cas’ voice has gone from contemplating murder back to being annoyed. Progress.

“Alright, alright,” Gabe waves his brother away. “So, let’s get burgers and talk about breaking the law.”

***

It’s anticlimactic, ordering burgers, but it gives Sam time to torment everyone about witness statements and it gives Charlie time to cancel her next appointment and everyone else to get used to the thought that this is probably not something they can handle the legal way. Cas keeps hovering near Dean, and again he’s both grateful and slightly frustrated with it.

“I’m not broken, Cas,” Dean snaps eventually. “I can still get my own beer and go to the bathroom on my own.”

Cas mumbles an apology and stays two steps further away for the next ten minutes, but Dean is sure that he is still perfectly aware of Dean’s position in the room at every single moment.  

Charlie and Gabe make some topical small talk while they eat, debating the advantages and disadvantages of changing the system from within. Dean’s too anxious to eat much or to take part in their conversation, so maybe that’s why he hears the pauses in Charlie’s part of the conversation even though no one else comments on them. Of course she doesn’t outright say it, but the longer they talk, the more Dean thinks that Charlie’s way of changing the system from within is not always legal, either.

When everyone’s taken their last bite, Gabriel pushes his plate away and burps. “Better. I’m never good with crime on an empty stomach.”

“Just spit it out, Gabe,” Dean sighs. “What is it you can do that none of us can?”

“Ah, nothing really. But I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a gal.”

“To do what.”

“An Unsealing,” Gabe says and crosses his arms over his chest. “Of the type that doesn’t need consent.”

“You’re talking of a unsanctioned Unsealing!” Cas sounds scandalized.

“Well, yes, brother. What else would I be talking about?”

“Those tend to be both shady and dangerous,” Charlie throws in.

“Dangerous?” Sam asks at the same time that Cas asks, “ _Tend_ to be?”

Charlie looks from one of them to the other. “Yes, I’ve heard of them before. I’ve heard of them going wrong, too. Sometimes with life-threatening consequences”

“Meaning?” Dean asks. “What is the procedure here? What are the dangers?”

Gabe shrugs. “You gotta ask the gal that’s actually performing them. All I know is that the result is exactly what you want: A broken bond.”

“If it’s that easy, why don’t more people do it?” Sam asks suspiciously.

“What do I know?” Gabe answers. “Maybe they’re all happy with their soulmates? Maybe they’re too fucked up by society’s standards to see the option?”

“Or maybe they don’t want the mountain of trouble that will come with this,” Charlie states. “I can forge what documents you want and I can get the Unsealing in the database, but even I can’t make a judge remember a case that never existed.” When they all stare at her, she huffs. “Well, everybody needs a hobby. And coincidentally, I’m _very_ good with computers.”

Dean almost starts laughing, the situation is so absurd. “Is anyone else getting an Ocean’s Eleven vibe here?” he chuckles. “No? Just me? That’s okay.”

“Dean, breaking a bond unlawfully is nothing that’s to be taken lightly,” Cas cautions.

Immediately, Dean sobers up. “Cas, man, you haven’t found your soulmate yet. You don’t know how it is. It’s fucked up to be a puppet in your own body. Especially, when someone who wants to own you like a toy pulls your strings. And you’re completely helpless against it.”

Cas’ gaze falls down to their hands and even though the bruise is covered Dean knows that it’s what Cas is looking for.

“I can’t stay bonded with her. Don’t you understand?”

Cas nods then. “I understand. Not the  soulmate bond, obviously, but the - I understand that you don’t want it.”

“And I’ll take any way out that I can find.”

“Okay,” Cas gives a deep sigh. “Okay.”

“So,” Gabriel pipes up. “Decision time. Should I make contact or not?”

“Yes,” Dean says decisively.

“Let me do some research before?” Sam asks.

“You can do your research simultaneously,” Dean replies. “If you find anything helpful that’s legal, all the better. Otherwise, I’m all for exploring all options.”

“Life-threatening consequences,” Sam reminds him.

“Yeah, Sam, but honestly, having to go live with Amara is a life-threatening consequence as well. I think I’m ready to take my chances.”

“You won’t be alone,” Cas says quietly but determinedly. “I’ll be with you all the way.”

Charlie raises her eyebrows at the statement and Dean can feel himself flush.

“Yeah,” Sam sighs. “Me, too. You’re a stubborn asshole but you are my brother.”

“Well, then, I’m sorry to disturb the love fest but I think I should get going. It’ll take a few phone calls to get to the person we need for this. And no offense, but I don’t think the people I’ll call would be too happy if I did it in a room full of Guardians.”

“Be careful?” Cas asks.

Gabe nods “Always am. And you just, I don’t know, keep holding Dean’s hand or something.”

Cas jumps like he’s only noticed it now that he’d still been holding on to Dean. Gabriel cackles while Cas quickly folds his hands in his own lap. Charlie looks even more thoughtful than before.

And Dean thinks this is quite enough scrutiny for the moment. “If we’re through, then everyone out. It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah, you need your beauty sleep, princess,” Gabe grins and ducks when Dean throws a pillow at his head. “Hey! You need me, so be nice to me!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean mutters. “‘m grateful.”

“Wow.” Gabriel stops in his tracks. “Have I heard that right? Dean Winchester is grateful? Gee, I never thought I’d see the day.” Then his face turns serious again. “Take care, Dean-o. Of yourself and of my little brother.”

Dean nods. “Will do.”

“Good.”

Goodbyes with Sam and Charlie are less awkward but also include their fair share of _stay safe_ -s, seeing how neither of them knows what Amara is going to do next. Sam hasn’t met her yet, so he isn’t quite as worried as Dean, but he promises to check in via text message every few hours, so that’s something.

And then, finally, everyone is gone and Dean and Cas are alone again. Dean sags at the front door after it’s closed for hopefully the last time today.

“How are you holding up?” Cas asks worriedly. His hand hovers over Dean’s arm for a moment before he retreats half a step out of Dean’s space.

Dean’s got the urge to follow him, and really, how the fuck is it that when he’s close to his soulmate, all he feels is panic and the impulse to flee, but when he’s close to Cas, all he wants is to be closer still? Something is seriously fucked up in his brain.

“Dean?” Cas asks worriedly.

Abruptly, Dean turns away. He can’t deal with this. He just can’t.

“Dean, are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“To have moved to France years ago. To have disappeared so that none of this ever happened, that’s what I need,” Dean snaps.

“I’m sorry,” Cas says quietly.

“Why? What do you have to be sorry about? You’re the good guy here, the Guardian who’s propping me up. I’m the sorry asshole, who can’t even manage what everyone else in the fucking world can do.”

This time, Cas doesn’t say anything. His mouth forms a tight line.

And yeah, Cas has the luxury to do that. Cas can wait Dean’s temper tantrum out, because Cas probably has a dozen clients a week throwing tantrums and he waits all of them out, because he’s always the voice of reason.

Suddenly, it makes Dean angry. “Got nothing to say, huh? Never had anyone hate his soulmate quite as much as I do, huh?”

“Dean, I assure you, there are plenty of others…”

“... who lose their shit every so often? Only, not you, huh? You’re always there to listen. Always rational. Always polite. But what about you, Cas, huh? You’re not getting any younger, you know. Why are you wasting your time with my sorry ass instead of going out and finding your one, huh?”

Cas rubs his forehead like the conversation is giving him a headache and he looks decidedly annoyed now. Still, Cas’ voice is even when he answers. “I do not regret spending time with you, Dean, no matter the circumstances.”

“My, how very generous of you. And such fancy words. But what can you really do, Cas? What can you really do to help? Charlie may have lost her soulmate, but at least she found them first. You? You’ve never even had a fling. What do you know of bonds and of love?”

Cas’ face has hardened during Dean’s speech and he pulls his hands into fists at his sides. So of course, Dean pushes further into his personal space, uses the few inches he has on Cas to tower over him.

“Tell me, Cas. Tell me what do you know of soulmates?”

For a heartbeat, Cas stares at him, anger flaming in his eyes. Then he pushes forward as well, yells it in Dean’s face, “Nothing, Dean. I know absolutely _nothing_ of soulmates and bonds. This?” He pushes back his sleeve and holds his wrist under Dean’s nose. “This is a tattoo. I don’t have a seal. Not one that hasn’t found its counterpart, not one that has been broken, just none. I have _ink_ , that’s all I ever had and all I ever will have.”

Dean is so flabbergasted that Cas manages to turn around and stomp out of the room before Dean can get his bearings enough to follow him. Fortunately, Dean was leaning against the front door, so Cas is stomping away deeper into the house. “Cas, wait.”

“I have nothing else to say, Dean.”

“Cas, you can’t just…” Dean catches his hand. He doesn’t want to but he can’t help staring at the pattern on Cas’ wrist. “Ink? Really?”

Cas huffs but it sounds long-suffering more than actively pissed. “Yes, Dean, really. And I’d be grateful if you could keep the information to yourself. My employers are not necessarily aware of it.”

“I’m sorry, Cas.”

Abruptly, Cas draws his hand back. “There is no need to pity me.”

And that wasn’t at all what Dean was saying. He was apologizing for being a dick. “I’m not pitying…”

“You are. Everyone who knows is. And I tell you right now, it’s not necessary. I have lived fine without a soulmate so far, I’ll live fine without one for the rest of my life.”

“I hear you, man,” Dean says. “I mean, I guess I’m sharing that fate now.”

He means it to sound humorous, but if it does Cas doesn’t seem to see where it’s funny. In fact, where his anger was burning hot before there is now ice in his eyes. “There are more things to life than coupling with your soulmate. And if you don’t believe that, then maybe you should rethink your approach to your own soulmate.”

It’s a low blow and it actually makes Dean stagger back a step. “Yeah, right,” he mutters.

Cas takes a deep breath. “Dean, I’ve known you for a very long time. I’ve seen you flirt and I’ve seen you go home with random people. You’ve told me countless times that you don’t do ‘chick flick moments’. But I’ve also seen you raise Sam. I’ve seen the way you look at them when we meet a happy family at the store. You want this. You’ve wanted it all your life.”

There isn’t really anything Dean can say to refute that. Suddenly, he feels very exhausted. “Yeah, you’re right. I wanted to find my soulmate. And yeah, it’s never seemed too realistic, that whole settling down and having a family thing, but I guess I had hoped…” He shrugs. “But I don’t want it with her, Cas. That’s about the only thing that I’m absolutely certain of in this whole frikkin’ mess.”

He self-consciously brushes over the fresh bruises on his arm. Cas follows his gaze. “She shouldn’t have done that,” Cas says quietly. “She shouldn’t have hurt you.”

“Hey,” Dean says. This time, when he pushes into Cas’ space it’s not to tower over him. This time, he nudges his shoulder with his own, “I had you to save me, didn’t I? So it’s all good.”

Cas sighs. “No, Dean, nothing is good. And I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Dude, you can tell me anything. In fact, I’m a bit pissed that you didn’t tell me before.”

“You’re now legally obligated to report me.”

“Yeah, right,” Dean chuckles. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Yes, Dean, I’m serious.”

“Dude! I’m not gonna report you! What the fuck?”

“I don’t fulfill the conditions to be a Guardian. You’ve said it yourself, I know nothing about love and soulmates.”

Cas looks so crushed that Dean can’t take it. He wraps his arms around Cas and engulfs him in a hug. “‘S not true. You’re awesome and you’re helpful and since when are you listening to me anyway?” When Cas wants to protest, Dean hugs him tighter.

“Okay. It’s okay, Dean. I’m good. Let go of me,” Cas finally starts to push away.

Selfishly, Dean holds on for another few seconds before releasing Cas from his grasp. “You sure you’re good?” he asks.

“Yes,” Cas says and turns around.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Dean follows him.

“To clean up the dishes.”

“I’ll help.”

“Dean,” Cas stops and turns back to him. “I don’t need your pity. I’m not broken. I can still do the dishes.”

“Yeah, well, and I’m not a slob, so I can help.” Dean makes a detour into the living room to fetch everyone’s glasses.

Cas sighs but he doesn’t protest anymore.

They work silently side-by-side, Cas actually doing the dishes and Dean drying them, until Dean clears his throat. “Umm, is it okay to ask questions about this?”

Cas tenses next to him. “What questions?” He asks back.

Dean shrugs uncomfortably. “Just questions. About, you know, what this means for you.”

Cas avoids looking at Dean. “You mean apart from my job qualification?”

“That’s just circumstances,” Dean shrugs. “But what does it mean for _you_?”

“Well,” Cas sighs, “for one, it means that I’m probably going to grow old alone.”

“I feel you,” Dean nods because he’s looking at the same fate. Only, Dean had a seal and he had plans and everything and for Cas that’s different. “So, uhh, are you okay with that? Or would you, you know, want it differently?”

“Dean,” Cas turns to him anyway, “there is nothing I can do to change this. I can hide my status with a tattoo, I can pretend to be disappointed that I haven’t found my soulmate yet, but deep down, I know it every single second of my life: There is no soulmate for me.”

And okay, Dean gets that but it’s not really what he wants to know. “Yeah, but what about you? Do you want that? Or would you want to…?” He leaves the sentence open.

Cas sighs again. He dries his hands and leans back against the kitchen counter. “I’ve studied what there is in research about this topic back when it became clear that… Anyway, most scientists seem to agree that having no seal means you don’t want a soulmate, or in fact, anyone to share your life or your body with.”

“So, uhh, no sex and no love?”

Cas smiles weakly. “The preferred terms would be asexual and aromantic.”

“And that is what you are?” Dean asks and makes a mental note to google the terms so that he’ll get a better understanding.

“According to science, yes.”

“Uhh, okay,” Dean nods. “Thanks for explaining.”

Cas’ smile is still no happier than before. “You’re welcome, Dean.”

Dean smiles back at him but doesn’t give in to the urge to hug him until the smile turns real. “So when did you know?”

“Cases have been reported where seals showed up as late as 21. But,” Cas shrugs, “when I turned 18 and went to college and still hadn’t gotten one, I kind of knew.”

“So then you decided to do this?” Dean points at the tattoo covering Cas’ wrist.

He chuckles mirthlessly. “Actually, I got drunk.”

“You got drunk-tattooed?” Dean asks surprised. That doesn’t fit with Cas’ character at all.

“Oh God, no,” Cas shakes his head. “No, I got drunk and spilled my guts to Gabriel. He was the one who suggested getting the tattoo before our parents could figure out the truth.”

And that makes more sense. “So your parents don’t know?”

“No. And I hope from the bottom of my heart that they’ll never figure it out. They don’t need this on top of everything.”

Dean doesn’t really know what that means, but from the little that he knows about Cas’ parents, they’re rich and they’re conservative and that’s never a good combination for children who want to live their lives in their own way.

“I never told anyone but Gabriel. And the tattoo artist, I guess.”

“You never...? Gabe and me, that’s all?” Dean asks flabbergasted.

“Yes, Dean. That’s all.”

“Shit. That’s shitty. Man, you should have told me earlier. Here you are listening to all my bitching about my soulmate and…”

“Dean.” Cas lays a hand on his shoulder, effectively shutting Dean up. “You’ve always been there for me and I appreciate it. It has nothing to do with not trusting you why I didn’t tell you.”

Dean takes a deep breath. “Yeah, okay,” he nods. “I mean it is your decision who to tell. So - thanks for telling me now.”

Cas nods though he doesn’t seem to know anything else to say.

“So, uh, want to finish this up and go watch a movie?” Dean changes the topic.

“Avengers?” Cas immediately asks.

Dean grins. “So Chris Evans being aesthetically pleasing still holds true?”

“Dean,” Cas shakes his head and stares him down. “That is not even an opinion, that is a _fact_.”  

***

 _Dudeism:"YOU FREAK WILL DIE ALONE AND UNHAPPY"_  
_Risingphoenix: "I'M HAPPILY MARRIED YOU ASSHOLE"_ _  
_ Dudeism: "BUT IT'S NOT REAL WITHOUT A SEAL"

Dean sighs as he puts the phone down. This isn't helping. His research led him to this forum and the more he reads, the less he knows what to think of anything. He checks the time and sighs. 3:12 am. It's not that he didn't try to sleep but every time he shut off his phone, he had another idea what terms to google to find out more about asexuality and aromantics.

Only, his brain is already overflowing with info and he’s tired as shit and every new bit of info confuses him more rather than clear things up. There are people who are asexual but are okay with sex, while others are not. Some people call themselves asensual and don't like being touched at all. Others like one thing but not the other. And don’t even get him started on the whole aromantic thing. There are people who freak at the thought of a candlelight dinner, while others apparently marry their best friend and don’t mind getting chocolates for Valentine’s Day as long as there’s no pressure to respond.

So after hours of research, all Dean can say is that he has absolutely no clue what any of the terms mean for Cas. Cas didn’t run away when Dean surprised him with a nicely set dinner table that yes, did have a candle. But that wasn’t romantic in nature, because Dean and Cas aren’t a thing. Cas hasn’t complained yet when Dean hugged him, and he has initiated hand-holding before. But then, Cas knows that Dean is a tactile person, so maybe he was just comforting Dean in a way he knows Dean likes? Cas is a Guardian after all, and as such used to giving people what they need never mind his own feelings.

The thought leaves a sour taste in Dean’s mouth. He’d always thought that no matter else was going on between them - or not going on between them as it turns out - Dean at least was there for Cas as much as Cas was there for him. Now if the whole time Cas didn’t actually appreciate any of their - no, Dean doesn’t even want to think about it.

He’s got to be more careful is all. It’s not like he’s ever outright told Cas about his feelings anyway. He just has to bury them even deeper now. Be steadfast in his support of Cas but stop all these small transgressions that he had gotten used to over the years. No more touching Cas uninvited. No more commenting on Cas’ bed-head. No more ogling his booty. Though admittedly, Dean wasn’t supposed to do that in the first place. The sour taste changes into a red hot flash of embarrassment and guilt. Because with the other shit, Dean can always say he hadn’t known any better. But this? He’d always known better. He just had never been able to stop himself.

“I’ll do better,” he vows to himself. “Starting tomorrow, I’ll do better.”

Decisively, he turns off his phone. There’s more info to be found still, but at least he has a plan.  

***

It's not his alarm that wakes him, it’s his phone blaring its generic caller ringtone.

Immediately, Dean sits up. His own worries and the seal that’s about to be broken had taken a backseat in his mind last night, thoughts about Cas so much more prominent, but now all his anxiety floods back.

Hesitantly, he picks up the phone to check the caller ID.

It’s not Amara. He sighs a sigh of relief before his brows draw together in worry again.

“Jess? What happened?” Dean asks in lieu of a hello. “Is Sam okay? Are _you_ okay?”

“Dean, yes, we’re okay,” Jess says. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to worry you. But I texted you and you didn't answer. I got worried.”

“Uh, okay,” Dean says. “Didn’t check my notifs yet, sorry. It was a long night. Is Sam with you?” Because Dean can’t even remember whether Jess ever called him before. It’s always his brother.

“Sam’s in a meeting, you know how it is. But we texted and agreed that I should call you if you don’t answer by noon,” Jess explains.

“It’s not noon yet!” Dean protests and checks the time. 11:23am. Holy shit. “Uhh, okay, I take that back.”

Jess chuckles. “Turned off the alarm, huh?”

“Actually, kind of expected Cas to wake me,” Dean frowns. “Not sure why he hasn’t.” Though that bad feeling from last night immediately comes back. Maybe Cas already regrets that he told Dean. Maybe he thinks Dean will spill his secrets. Or that Dean sees him differently now or that -

“Dean? Are you listening?”

“What? Sorry, Jess. Not quite awake yet,” Dean tries to cover up that he had been drifting.

Jess sighs. “I was saying that there’s a reason I texted you to call me back in the first place.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Yeah, it isn’t good. I think anyway.”

“What happened?” Dean is instantly on alert again.

“I ran into Amara - or rather, she ran into me. Literally.”

Dean jumps up from where he was sitting. “What? How? When? Are you okay? Do you need me to come by?” Though his stomach roils at the thought of having to confront Amara again.

“Chill, Dean!” Jess calms him down. “I’m okay. She ran into me at the store, she apologized and we started talking. She was perfectly polite. In fact, she was quite charming.”

“Yeah, she’s charming when she wants to be,” Dean shudders. “How’d you even know it was her? I didn’t know you knew her.”

“I don’t. Or didn’t. But she introduced herself. I don’t fathom there’s that many Amaras running around who have a complementary soulmate mark to yours.”

And yeah, Dean guesses that’s true. “So, uhh, what did you guys talk about?” He asks hesitantly.

“Puppies, mostly. About how Sam wants one but it’s difficult to fit into our schedules. She knows this breeder, who also runs a doggie daycare, and…”

“Jess,” Dean interrupts, his stomach dropping out from under him. “Please tell me you didn’t give her your phone number or home address.”

“Do I look stupid to you?” Jess tsks. “Of course not! I didn’t say anything about you, either. Just wrapped up the conversation and went on my way.”

“Oh, thank God,” Dean sighs a breath of relief.

“Yeah, Dean, I’m not so sure. I mean, she was very good, I’ll grant her that. Very casual. I’m not sure this was a coincidence, though.”

“She searched you out?” Dean sits back down on the bed because suddenly his legs don’t want to carry him anymore.

“It’s the way she - she tried hard to make it sound casual when talking about her soulmate, who had a hard time leaving his old life behind, but I’m a lawyer. I know when someone is fishing for information. And she was.”

“But you didn’t tell her anything?”

“Well, I told her about Sam wanting a dog. That’s about it in terms of personal information.”

“But?”

Jess sighs. “But she seemed really interested in the fact that we’re both lawyers, Sam and I. I mentioned it because of the long work hours interfering with having a dog but she - kind of ran with it.”

“Maybe she thinks we’re trying to build a case about the Unsealing?” Dean says hopefully. That would mean Amara won’t expect any sudden moves from them. Which might keep her quiet until they’ve met that person Gabriel knows.

“Maybe?” Jess says doubtfully. “I don't know, Dean. Just be careful, okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “You, too. I know she’s all endearing when she wants to be but…”

“... we don’t know what she’s capable of,” Jess continues his sentence. “I know, Dean. I got the memo.”

“Good. That’s good,” Dean sighs. “I know it seems abstruse when you’ve just met her but she’s - she can be pretty scary.”

Jess’ voice has gone soft and careful when she answers. “You know that it’s a common tactic, right? Of abusers, I mean? They are very charming and helpful people, pillars of the community, who would never hurt a fly - unless of course you’re one of the unlucky family members they think they own.”

It makes Dean’s stomach queasy, dragging it out into the open like that. “Do you think…” But he breaks off.

“Do I think what?”

But Dean shakes his head. “Never mind.”

“Come on, Dean. Spill.”

“It’s just,” Dean closes his eyes. “Sometimes I wonder. Whether it’s something about me. First Dad and now her. Maybe it’s me.”

“Dean!” Jess gasps. “Don’t even think that! That’s not true! You deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else!”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dean mumbles. Though he’s not sure the universe agrees. If it did, it could always have given him a soulmate who didn’t immediately leave bruises. It could have given him someone like Cas. But it didn’t. So obviously, the universe thinks Dean deserves the bruises, not the support. “I gotta go, Jess. Thanks for waking me up. And for checking up on me.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I will be,” Dean tries to smile. “Eventually.”

“I really hope this sorts itself soon.”

“I do, too,” Dean nods. “Talk to you soon?”

“Yes. Be careful, Dean.”

“Yeah, you, too.”

With that, they hang up. For a moment, Dean sits there and stares at his phone. Everything is a mess already and now this on top of it. Jess might not have been in danger _this time_ , but what about next time? What about the moment when Amara decides that getting to Dean via his friends and family is the way to go? He runs a hand through his hair. If anything happened to Jess… to any of his friends… he’d never forgive himself.

Shit. He gets up to start pacing again.

He’s thought about this before, of course he has and Cas has pretty much told him that he’d stand by him come hell or high water, and Dean’s pretty sure his brother would tell him the same thing, but - Dean rubs a hand over the bruises on his wrist. They still hurt.

And this, he knows this, right? He’s done this before. He’s made sure that he was in between Dad and Sammy. He knows how it feels like to be the one who’s getting hit. He also knows how it feels like to be the one protecting someone else.

His stomach suddenly feels like lead, so he sits down heavily on the bed again.

Only this time, this time it would be forever. With Dad, Dean could tell himself that it would only be until Sam was grown up. Try not to make him angry while you’re still healing up and get through another few years.

With Amara? Dean’s not so sure he’s even going to outlive her. It would be the rest of his life.

‘ _You are mine! And if I can’t have you, no one will!_ ’

She means that, Dean knows it. He just wishes he could be sure she’s only threatening him. But Dean’s got a feeling that everyone who is helping him will be on her list, as well. And worse than that - there’s Cas. Who she has seen now. Who she could find out anything and everything about. Now Dean’s kept every dangerous feeling for his best friend hidden deep inside, and he doesn’t think she could find that out, but the fact alone that he’s living here…

His stomach drops out from under him. Cas hasn’t woken him. Cas should have woken him. Where is Cas?

He jumps up and rips open the door of his room. “Cas?” he shouts into the hallway. “Cas, are you home?”

He opens doors along his way. Bathroom, study, Cas’ bedroom - there’s no one in either of them. Dean isn’t sure whether he’s relieved because at least there’s no bloody body on Cas’ bed or whether it makes him more panicked because where the fuck is Cas?

“Cas!” He cries again but the same silence as before answers him.

He storms into the kitchen, ready to grab his jacket and his keys to do - something, when his eyes catch on a note on the kitchen counter.

 _Dean,_ _  
_ _I think you need your sleep with everything that’s been going on, so I didn’t wake you. I got called in to work. If you need me, text me and I’ll try to find a quiet moment to call you, okay? Oh and Charlie will want to check in on you, give her a ring? Cas_

Dean doesn’t even notice how hard he’s shaking until the paper slips from his fingers. Fuck. He takes a few deep breaths to try to calm down. It doesn’t help. He contemplates getting a glass of water but he’s got a feeling that it would end shattered on the floor. Finally, he sinks down on the floor to wait it out until the adrenaline surge calms down. Fuck.

“He’s safe. He’s safe, he’s just at work. As you knew he would be. Because he has a steady job. You can text him. He’s fine. Jess is fine, too. No one got hurt.”

He leans his head against his knees.

“Everything is fine. No one got hurt because of you. Everything is fine.”

Though of course it isn’t. It isn’t fine at all.

“Shit. Shit. Why did I have to meet her? Why couldn’t she live on a different fucking continent? Goddammit.”

But he’s met her. And he’s got to deal with the consequences. And he’s not sure anymore that he can go through with what they’ve discussed yesterday. Not if the result is that people he loves get hurt.

Well. He knows the solution to that. And maybe - maybe he can at least mitigate the consequences. Maybe, him giving in will be enough for Amara to agree to some stipulations. It won’t even be about him wanting to see Cas or Sam or any of his friends or family really. He wants them to be as far away from Amara as possible. But maybe, if he plays this right she’ll agree to seeing a Guardian every so often. To have a mediator. Maybe, he won’t have to do this completely on his own.

The tiles of the kitchen floor suddenly feel freezing so Dean heaves himself up. He goes to find his phone, ignoring the notifications and mechanically searching for Charlie’s number.

It rings three times and then her cheery voice comes down the line. “Hey, Dean, how are you doing?”

“I - I’m fine.” There’s a pause and a stumble before the lie that hadn’t been there when he was younger. He’s gotta learn to cover that up again. The faster the better. For now, he presses on. “Listen, we gotta talk. Preferably soon.”

“Dean, are you sure, you’re okay?”

“Yes,” he repeats, his voice a little steadier this time. “I’m fine. But do you have time today? In the next few hours?” Before Cas comes home.

“Actually, I’m on my lunch break right now. I’m about ten minutes out from Cas’ house. If you don’t mind me bringing my food, I can be there in fifteen.”

“Yeah, that’s good,” he replies tonelessly. It doesn’t give him any time to lose his courage. He can do this. “I’ll be here.”

“Okay. Just sit tight and don’t do anything stupid.”

He doesn’t have it in him to answer that, so he just says, “See you in a few,” and hangs up.

He stares at his phone for a long minute. There’s this empty feeling inside him that battles with the heaviness of everything else. He remembers that, too, feeling like he’s completely hollow while at the same time feeling like he’s draped in a blanket made of iron, too heavy for him to lift and leaving him no choice but to wait for the unavoidable. Somehow, he’d never expected to feel like this again.

He kicks himself into moving. He needs to get cleaned up. At least enough to be presentable. He doesn’t have the energy for anything else. He isn’t hungry anymore, but he does go for that glass of water.

Afterwards, there’s nothing to do but wait.

With dread, he checks his notifications. Sam and Jess. That’s all there is. No Amara, which should relieve him, but nothing from Cas, either, which immediately makes him worry, even though Cas only said that Dean should text if he needed him, not that he would text him.

Well, Dean does need Cas. Or rather, he wants him here. He wants to lean into him and listen to Cas tell him that he’s a good person, a strong person and that things will work out. Only, he’s got to get used to not having Cas here. He’s got to get used to not hearing nice things about himself anymore. They probably never were true in the first place. Not really. Not deep down. Even though he doesn’t doubt that Cas believes them.

Well, he’s got a little while more. Depending on what Charlie says, a few hours or a few days. Before he has to go find Amara and leave this behind. And for this little while, he’s got to make sure that Cas is okay.

_Dean @Cas: Just to let you know that I’ll talk to Charlie. Hope everything is going okay at work._

He figures that should be enough to get Cas to respond without it being too obvious how worried Dean is and thus worrying Cas in return. Still, he can’t quite let it stand like this.

_Dean @Cas: Thanks for everything, man._

Cas will probably take it as a thank you for letting him sleep in. And that’s okay. It doesn’t need to be anything else to Cas. It’s enough that Dean knows what he means.

Next, Dean brings up the message thread with his brother. This one is easier and harder. Easier, because Dean’s got a lot of experience lying to his brother. Harder, because Sam’s always been there, almost as long as Dean can remember. And Dean’s always protected him, but he’s never before had to take himself out of the equation to protect Sam.

_Dean @Sam: You’re going to get grey hair prematurely with all that worrying. In case Jess didn’t tell you: I was just sleeping in._

_Dean @Sam: Take care of her, okay? She’s one of the good ones._

His phone buzzes almost immediately with a reply.

_Sam @Dean: At least you got some sleep. Take care._

And yeah, that’s just like Sam.

“I’ll do my best,” Dean promises the empty air but he doesn’t reply to his brother anymore.

 

Dean’s hands are nervous with sweat with the door bell finally rings. He still tries for a smile when he lets Charlie in. “Thanks for coming by so fast.”

“No problem. I brought enough food for two.” She holds up the take-out bags.

“Thanks,” he replies though even the smell of the food turns his stomach. “Let me get you a plate.”

She considers him with a thoughtful frown that makes him even jumpier than he was. “I’ll just…” He flees to the kitchen.

He’s clutzier than usual, his nerves getting to him and his hands not steady. “Sorry,” he apologizes though he doesn’t look at Charlie. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No,” Charlie shakes her head. “I want to know what is wrong.”

Dean shakes his head, “Nothing is wrong, per se. I’ve just, ah,” he takes a deep breath. “I’ve changed my mind.”

She cocks her head at him. “About what?”

He closes his eyes. “About the Unsealing.” There he’s said it.

“Come again?” Charlie looks at him confused.

“I’ve thought about it again, tonight, and I think - I think if this is the universe’s decision, then it’s probably better if I go with it. You sure you don’t want anything to drink?”

“Dean, this is - can I ask what’s brought this on? You have been certain about wanting an Unsealing from the first minute I’ve met you.”

He should have expected the question, he guesses, seeing how, yeah, he had been sure that he didn’t want to live with Amara before he even met Charlie. Well, he’s still sure he doesn’t want to live with her, nothing has changed there. Or will ever change. Not that it makes a difference.

“I’ve just - I’ve thought it over,” he shrugs and tries to hide the way his hands want to start shaking again. “And it’s - there is a reason for things, right? Everyone gets a soulmate that the universe gives them for a reason. So I guess, I got mine for a reason, too. And it’s just,” he swallows against a lump in his throat, “it’s just pride and the fact that I’m not very smart why I can’t see the reason. So I guess, I guess I just have to try harder, you know?” He shrugs. He knows he doesn’t sound especially convincing. But he can work on that. And it should be enough for Charlie. Everything that makes him stay with his soulmate instead of going the route of an illegal Unsealing should be enough to convince a Guardian.

“Dean, I’m - I’m still confused. You have tried, haven’t you? In the beginning, when you met her? You’ve tried whether you can work this out?”

Her gaze pointedly drops to the bruises on his wrist before she looks back up at him and he quickly crosses his arms to hide his hands. “She didn’t,” he breaks off and starts anew. “When she was happy with me, she didn’t - do any of that,” he finishes lamely. “Which is why I thought I could ask her whether she’d agree that we - you know, that we come see you every so often? Or whether she’d let you visit us at home? Just to, you know…” He trails off lamely and looks down at his feet.

“No.” The word isn’t loud but the tone still makes Dean flinch. Charlie seems to notice it, too, because her voice is softer when she continues. “No, Dean. I’m sorry but I won’t be able to do that.”

“Oh.” Dean crumbles in a little further on himself. So maybe he has to do this on his own after all. “I see. I’m sorry for asking.”

“No, I don’t think you see. Dean,” she comes a step closer and puts a hand on his forearm. He keeps himself from flinching away. “Dean, you just apologized for asking me a completely valid question.” She lets the statement stand for a minute before she asks, “Do you know who does that, Dean? Who keeps apologizing even though they’ve done nothing wrong?”

Abuse victims. That’s who. He rips himself out from under her touch after all. “‘S not like that.”

“Is it not? You’ve been nervous and cowering ever since I came in through the door. You’ve not acted at all like the person I got to know so far! Dean, what happened between yesterday and now?”

“She found Jess, okay? And if she found Jess, she can find Sam, too. And she saw Cas, so he’s not safe, either. It’s just - it’s too high a risk, okay? I can’t do it!” It breaks out of him unbidden, hot tears suddenly residing right behind his eyes. He angrily blinks them back. “It’s better this way. Going with her is the only way. It’s how everything should be.” He hopes that it sounds more determined and less hollow than he feels.

“Dean, are you here? Dean!” There’s a sudden shout and the banging of the front door registers only when Cas is already storming in. He freezes mid-motion when he sees them. “Oh, thank God! Dean!”

And then Dean has 170 pounds of solid human hanging from his neck, enveloping him in a hug. It takes a moment for his brain to register and then for his arms to unknot themselves and then - he shouldn’t. He should push him away. But instead, Dean’s arms come up around Cas’ back, holding him close.

“I was so worried,” Cas whispers into his hair. “Please don’t do this to me, Dean, please.”

“Cas, I…,” Dean shakes his head. “What?” he asks helplessly.

Cas pushes himself away, pushes Dean back until they’re face to face and suddenly Cas’ face is angry. “You said goodbye, you assbutt! Why the hell did you do that?” He pokes an accusing finger at Dean.

“Because he wants to give himself up to Amara. Far as I understood, anyway.” Charlie pipes up. “And he wanted my help with it.” She tsks and crosses her arms in front of her chest. “Like I would.”

“What?” It’s Cas’ turn to stare at Dean uncomprehending.

“I just - I want to keep you safe,” Dean mumbles, voice not holding up. “This is the best way.”

“Are you insane?” Cas looks at him like he’s grown two heads. “Have you forgotten about this?” He grabs Dean’s hand, tilts it palm up to where the imprints of Amara’s fingers are the deepest.

“No,” Dean shakes his head quietly, though he doesn’t make any attempt at freeing his hand. “No, of course I haven’t forgotten.”

“Dean.” For a moment, Cas seems speechless. But then his expression changes, turns thunderous and determined. “I won’t let you. Charlie, I won’t let him.”

“Agreed,” Charlie nods. “We hadn’t quite gotten around to that part yet. I was about to tell him that I wanted no part of that, either. I can deal with breaking the law, I can’t deal with being complicit to delivering someone to an abuser.”

“That’s not - I didn’t ask -,” Dean steps back from Cas after all because with Cas holding on to him it’s even harder to do this. Cas’ grip slides off from Dean’s hand without Cas trying to hold him back. Dean shouldn’t have written that text message. He should just have written a note to be found after he was already gone. He crosses his arms again, faces Charlie because that’s easier than facing Cas. “I didn’t ask you to deliver me anywhere. I’m perfectly capable of going on my own. All I asked was whether you’d be willing to do some counseling. And you said no. That’s - that’s fine.” He bites his lip hard because, yeah, there’s still nothing that’s fine about that. “It’s your decision. I just thought…” He shrugs.

“Dean, you can’t honestly mean that!” Cas sounds caught between outraged and flabbergasted still. “Amara _hurt_ you!”

“Yes,” Dean nods. “Hence, the counseling. Find a way not to make her angry again.”

“Dean!” This time they shout it at him simultaneously and Dean takes an involuntary step back.

Immediately, they both back off, though judging by the way Cas is breathing hard and Charlie is rubbing her forehead, their inaction is hard won.

Dean can feel his shoulders hunching, can feel how he is protecting himself while he watches them warily. And that - that won’t do. He can’t show them his fear. It’s bad enough what he already has shown them. So he takes a few deliberate breaths and unclenches his hands. Wills his shoulders to come down from up over his ears and his back to straighten.

“Cas.” Because it is Cas who he has to explain this to. He owes him that. And it’s the only way Cas will accept this.

There’s something about his tone that changes Cas’ expression, though Dean isn’t sure whether that’s good or bad. He takes the risk, though, and pushes back into Cas’ space. He doesn’t touch him, though. Can’t.

“You’ve been there for me through so much, Cas,” Dean starts, his voice quiet. He doesn’t care if Charlie hears what he has to say but the words are for Cas. “I am so incredibly grateful for that, Cas. You are - you and Sam are the most important people in my life. And I never -,” He has to clear his throat. “I’d never _want_ to lose you, Cas. Never. You gotta believe that. But I’ve thought about it, about this whole insane plan and - Cas,” he touches Cas’ arm after all, if only for a short moment, and he even tries for a small smile, “it ain’t gonna work. It’s going to endanger all of us, and for what? Just so that I can spite the universe? Just so that I can - no, Cas, it’s not worth it. The universe has decided that Amara is my soulmate and I’m hers. That’s God’s plan for us, right? We learn it from kindergarten on. Every soul was split in two and one day you’ll find your other half. Or maybe not every soul,” Dean amends in light of what he’s recently learned about Cas, “but most of them. Mine included. So this is it. Amara is my other half. I don’t like it any better than you do, believe me. But I shouldn’t - I shouldn’t be fighting it. I should accept it like we’re meant to do.” He looks at Cas and wills him to understand.

It’s not Cas, who answers, though. “Oh Goddess, Dean, stop with the religious bullcrap. The fact that they taught you that in fucking kindergarten does not make it true,” Charlie snaps.

“Doesn’t it?” Dean doesn’t move away from Cas but he turns his head to her. “So you’re telling me _this_ ,” he nods at her wristband, “this meant nothing? This wasn’t your other half?” It’s a low blow and he knows it but he’s sure it’s going to shut her up and make her see the truth of his words.

Only, that’s not what happens. “This? This is what you’re basing your argument on?” She points at her wristband and laughs a half-hysterical laugh. Then she furiously unties the strings of the band and rips it off. “This, this _is_ everything. But it’s not my other half, you fucking idiot.” She shoves her wrist under his nose.

There are three intricate bands lining it. They look a little medieval and they have distinct patterns. Two of them look complete, shimmering in complementing colors, while the third on is unicolored as of yet.  

“That. How?” Dean stutters.

“Gilda.” Charlie points to the flowing lines that look like a band of intricate golden flowers matched with a layer of silver leaves. “Dorothy.” She points to the art deco style band wrapping around itself in forest and moss green. “And -,” she points to the soft rose-colored band weaving its way around the other ones, “- no idea. But Gilda has a mark in the same color with almost the same pattern, and Dorothy does not. Oh, and Dorothy and Gilda aren’t soulmates, either. Other half, my ass.” She shakes her hand in Dean’s face before letting it sink. “Argh. And now I guess I have to find a new job.” She stomps her foot on the ground. “Dammit, I liked my job.”

Castiel turns to her, stopping her retreat with a hand to her shoulder. “I don’t have a mark,” he says simply.

For a moment, it is silent enough that you could hear a needle fall. Then Charlie breaks out laughing. “Seriously? This...?” She grabs at Cas’ wrist.

“Is a tattoo,” Cas confirms. “And you really...?”

“I really have three soulmates, who all have more than one soulmate as well,” Charlie nods. “So, we’re both freaks who’re faking our way through the agency, huh? No wonder that I instantly liked you.” She nudges Cas’ shoulder.

Cas blushes a little and scratches the back of his head. “I hadn’t - until yesterday I hadn’t told anyone but Gabe.”

“Dean didn’t know?” Charlie’s eyes turn round.

“Until yesterday,” Cas agrees.

“But you two seem so…,” she looks from Dean to Cas and back.

“So - what?” Cas asks, apparently confused again.

“Umm,  you two just seem - very close,” Charlie answers and looks a little taken aback by the new information.

Dean groans. This doesn’t help. It doesn’t help at all. Especially since Cas now squints at him, apparently having noticed that Dean is much less surprised and confused by this turn of events than he himself is.

“How does it - it doesn’t even matter, okay?” Dean can feel himself blush as his face heats up under Cas’ stare. “It’s not - you’re all of these things we talked about yesterday, ace and aro and - I’m still not even really clear on what that means but I, I have a psychopath to go live with, so…” He shrugs his shoulders helplessly.

“But I’m not.”

Of all the things Cas could have said, that is the one that doesn’t compute. “What?”

“Dean, I’m not. Aromantic, at least. I mean, I’m sure I place high on the grey-scale, but,” Cas shrugs and closes the last half step that’s still between them to search his face intently. “Why are you bringing this up?”

Dean squirms under Cas’ scrutiny. “Come on, man.” He’s not above begging if that helps. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“No, Dean. You brought it up as an argument for giving yourself up - why, Dean? Why use it for that?”

And Cas is really going to make him say it, isn’t he? Their last day, maybe their last conversation that they’ll ever have and Cas can’t let it go. Can’t even leave Dean this much of his dignity. Dean turns his head to the side. Swallows heavily. “Don’t you already know?” he asks, voice too soft for the magnitude of all of this.

“No, Dean, I don’t.”

Cas puts a hand over his, fingers splayed open. It draws Dean’s gaze. And goddammit, there is the prickle of tears behind Dean’s eyes. Such a small gesture. He doesn’t even think Cas is aware of it. And yet, it explains everything. This is what he wants. A connection, not a hold.

“I wish it could have been.” Dean’s voice is back to being toneless. But he’s come this far. “Wish that the universe had decided differently. Wish that it had given me your mark,” he admits.

“Dean…”

“Oh, fuck the universe!” Charlie erupts. And when they stare at her, “Seriously, I’ve seen the way you two look at each other! And this,” she gestures towards where their hands are still on top of each other, “the constant touching and the - the everything! So, I say, fuck the universe! Who cares that your marks don’t match? You obviously love each other, so the universe can bite my ass. I’m not gonna counsel Dean to go back to his asshole soulmate, I’m gonna counsel you to be the couple you want to be!”

She grins smugly as if that’s the end of the discussion, while Cas stares at her with an open mouth and Dean guesses that he isn’t much better.

“Charlie, that’s not…” Dean starts.

“Oh, it totally is! You think you’re the only ones? People find love all the time, Dean!”

“With their soulmate,” Cas says, though his voice sounds hesitant, like he’s suddenly questioning the whole concept.

“Dude!” Charlie frowns at him. “You see them come in to us! You listen to them talking about the people they found!”

“Affairs that they had,” Cas points out.

“Yeah, because society is fucking stupid and close-minded. I mean, I can _prove_ that I’m not cheating on my soulmate and they’d still fire me for having more than one mark. But love is not a scarce resource, Cas. Love is everywhere. You just have to choose to love. To open your heart and let someone else in. I don’t give a fuck whether that someone shares a mark with you or not. Maybe you don’t feel compelled to be closer to them but you _want_ it. How does that make it _less than_ ? If anything isn’t that _more_?”

And that leaves both of them speechless. Cas’ mouth opens and closes a few times without any words coming out. Finally, he says, “I’ve never thought about it that way.” He looks back up at Dean. “I’ve never…” He breaks off.

But suddenly, Dean can’t leave it at that. He’s been less than happy when Cas made him spill the beans, but now, Dean has to know. “What is it, Cas? What have you never?” Dean turns his hand so that he can lay his palm against Cas’. Still loose. Still not a hold. Still just a connection.

Cas weaves his fingers through Dean’s, watches their intertwined hands with fascination. But his eyes, when he looks at Dean, are scared. “I’ve never allowed myself to entertain the thought that… you always had your mark.”

“Cas, what - what are you saying?” Because that almost sounds like - but it can’t be.

“I never wanted,” Cas looks away though he doesn’t let go of Dean’s hand, “to be one of them, you know.”

“One of them?”

“One of the ones you meet at a bar. Or on the street. Or in the library. I couldn’t,” Cas bites his lip. “I couldn’t ever do that, Dean. I wouldn’t ever be able to be that.”

“I wouldn’t want you to,” Dean says with emphasis. “Cas, look at me? Please?”

Cas’ eyes are red and glassy when he looks back up. He keeps his shoulders hunched, like he’s got to keep himself protected.

“You’re my best friend, Cas.” Dean squeezes his hand. “I mean it when I say that I don’t ever want to lose you.”

“Then don’t.” It sounds so simple when Cas says it. “Just go through with our original plan, Dean. Please.”

“I could never forgive myself if you got hurt.”

“And I could never forgive myself if I let you do this. So I’m guessing we’re at an impasse.”

They stare at each other until Charlie clears her throat. “You have completely forgotten that I’m in the room, haven’t you? Yeah, thought so. Anyway, I’m gonna call in sick for work. And you, Cas, should be calling your brother. Let’s see what he was able to arrange.” She whips her phone out and turns to leave the room. At the last second, she turns back around to them. “Oh, and guys, if you ask me, you need to work this out. I propose to advance from staring to kissing. Just my personal opinion.”

With that, she saunters out of the room, already searching on her phone for the number she needs.

When Dean looks back at Cas, Cas’ face has turned the color of ripe tomatoes. And that - that is -, “You’ve been thinking about this.” It comes out as an accusation even though Dean doesn’t mean it that way.

Cas flinches and tries to take his hand back from Dean.

“Uh-uh,” Dean shakes his head though he softens his voice. “Cas, have you been thinking about kissing me?”

Cas flushes even deeper and then there’s a miniscule nod. “Sometimes,” Cas admits. “And I don’t - but sometimes.”

That leaves Dean reeling because - what? “But the thing about the ace and aro. And I’m not -”

“My soulmate, I know. And I’m not yours.” A hint of defiance enters Cas’ expression and voice. “I’m aware, Dean. I’m so very well aware. And I don’t - I wasn’t asking for any of this. I don’t know why I started thinking about you that way. I can’t even tell you when it started. We’d already known each other for years and…” Cas huffs in frustration.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Dean asks flabbergasted.

“Why _would_ I tell you, Dean? You made it very clear that you were just passing the time with your conquests until your soulmate showed up. And you are my best friend, too, Dean. I didn’t want to lose you, either.”

“But I…” Dean breaks off. Because, yeah, he’d kind of said that thing about passing the time with sex. And that had been all good and it had always been clear to everyone involved that it was no more than that. A nice activity for two people to feel good. Never made unnecessarily complicated by feelings. He’d liked the people involved, of course, and felt a hazy sort of fondness for them, but that was the extent of that. But Cas? Cas was different. “I think I understand what you mean,” Dean frowns thoughtfully.

“You do?” Cas sounds skeptical.

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “Yeah, I think I do. I think I - actually, I think I kind of feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Like, you were my friend first. And then, then something changed. I can’t, like, pinpoint it, but…”

“The word you’re looking for is demi,” Charlie’s voice comes from the door. “As in, you need to have an emotional connection to someone before being able to find them romantically attractive. Also, I’m now officially on sick leave.”

“But isn’t that, uhh, sexual? The demi thing?” Dean asks because he’s read the term on one of the websites during his late night research but everything about that kind of blends now. This day feels like it’s been longer than most already.

“Can be,” Charlie shrugs as she walks back in. “Romantic attraction, sexual attraction, they are two different things. You can be attracted to people sexually but never want to cuddle with them in the morning. Or you can want to cuddle with them all night and never want to have sex. To say it in simplified terms. But you two,” she stabs a finger at the both of them, “You don’t see the way you look at each other, but it’s disgustingly obvious that whatever you were before, you’re romantically attracted now. Doesn’t mean you have to act on it, mind you. But if you ask me, think about trying that kissing thing. It’ll help clearing things up.”

They both make a noise that’s somewhere between an embarrassed laugh and a snort, and somehow, suddenly they can’t meet each other’s eyes. By the way his face burns, Dean thinks the glow can probably be seen from the street. Even though - he dares to sneak a glance after all and finds Cas looking up through his lashes. His face is still a deep red but his eyes drop to Dean’s lips before they come back up and holy fuck, Cas is actually - not only contemplating this, but Cas might actually want this! The revelation leaves Dean shaken to the core.

But before he can do anything about it, Cas phone blares with an incoming call. Cas jumps and fumbles his phone out of his pocket. Immediately, his face turns from red to grey as ashes. “It’s Gabriel.”

So that’s it then, the call that they’re waiting for.

Cas looks up from his phone and at Dean. The question in his eyes is unbearable.

“Do it,” Dean says quietly. “Take the call.”

“Okay. Okay.” Cas nods abruptly and turns on his heels to leave the room. “Gabriel? Yes, I can talk.” Then the door to the living room falls closed behind Cas.

For a moment, it feels like they’re suspended, both Charlie and him listening for the murmur of Cas’ voice. Then Charlie shakes herself out of it, “He’ll tell us what we need to know. So, practical things. Food. All of this has gone cold. Microwave it.” When he stares at her, she makes a shooing motion. “Come on, what are you waiting for.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Somehow, he gets his legs to cooperate and once that’s done, the rest is easier as well. He goes through the motions but putting food in bowls to microwave it are well-known motions so he manages them. In fact, he even manages to be steady and not spill anything. It’s a bit of a miracle.

Charlie doesn’t deign to help but she comes to stand beside him once the food is in the microwave. Together, they watch the tray turn and turn. Dean can’t help it that his eyes fall on Charlie’s wrist again. Quickly, she covers her marks with her other hand.

Dean shakes his head. She doesn’t need to. “They’re beautiful.” He gives her a lopsided little smile.

Cautiously, she lets her hand fall away to look at her marks, too. “Took me a long time. To not be ashamed of them.” She grimaces. “In fact, I might not be completely over that yet. But you’re right, they _are_ beautiful.”

“How are you, umm, how are you managing it? The whole...” he gestures vaguely.

“The whole puppy pile of love?” She smiles. “It’s both harder and easier than you’d think. Easier, because society wants to be lied to. No one’s ever questioning your status or your roommate situation if you’re wearing one of these.” She takes the wristband out of her pocket and fiddles with it. “Harder because… well, loving someone isn’t easy. Loving several people isn’t easy, either.”

“And - Gilda and Dorothy aren’t…?”

“Soulmates, no. They are lovers, though, if that’s what you wanted to know.”

Dean’s face heats up and he’s glad that the ping of the microwave saves him from having to explain himself. Because yeah, that was kind of what he had wanted to know. “And they - they don’t feel like, like it’s less than what they have with you?” He talks to the microwave because there’s no way he’s going to get these words out while looking at Charlie.

“It’s different,” Charlie answers slowly, like she’s got to think about it. “But then, I don’t think you ever love two people quite the same way. Doesn’t mean one thing is less than the other.” She nudges his shoulder. “Come on, you and Cas have got to eat something. And I’m fucking starving.”

They bring the food back to the table but they haven’t even sat down when Cas comes back into the room. His complexion is not a shade better than it was when the call came in.

Dean takes a couple of unconscious steps towards Cas before he catches himself. “And?” he asks anxiously.

“They can meet us today.”

“Today?” Dean blinks while his stomach drops.

“Today,” Cas nods. “Not for the actual - procedure. Just to talk. Negotiate, uhh, a deal.”

Dean swallows. But yeah, what they’re doing is illegal so a deal would be needed. “No phones, no cameras, spy kind of crap?” he asks.

A smile ghosts over Cas’ face. “Yes, Dean. ‘Spy kind of crap.’” He uses actual finger quotes and everything.

It makes Dean’s heart burst with so much fondness that it hurts and he has to turn away. He holds onto the back of a chair and breathes through it.

“Dean?” Immediately, two people are by his side.

And that, that is so much more than he deserves. The knowledge burns hot behind his eyes, so he squeezes them shut. It doesn’t stop the tears from falling but at least he can pretend he doesn’t notice.

“You don’t have to do this. I can tell Gabriel it’s not a good day. You have time to decide. Just, Dean, please. Don’t make me lose you.” Cas’ voice sounds so small, so fearful, so unlike Cas and it’s all Dean can do to hold onto the chair and not wrap himself around his friend. To hold him close and keep him safe until his voice sounds normal again. Only, Dean can’t keep him safe. Dean can’t even keep himself safe.

“It’s just a talk,” Charlie interferes. “Nothing is going to happen today. We’ve come this far, I’ve already taken a sick day, we might as well listen to what that person has to say. We can push the decision making back to later.”

And that sounds actually sensible. It sounds doable. Dean can go meet with Gabe’s contact and listen to what they have to say. If nothing else, it gives him another half day before he has to make a decision. Before he has to leave his life behind. “Okay,” he nods. “Okay, let’s do that.”

“Dean, are you - are you sure? We’re only going to get that one appointment.”

Dean takes a fortifying breath. He’s never been good at lying to Cas. He’s omitted the truth plenty of times, oh yes, but outright lies? Cas tends to catch them. Still, Dean can’t put this on Cas. This is his problem. And if the only thing Dean was sure about up until about half an hour ago was that he and Cas could never be more than friends, and if even that surety is gone now and, if that knowledge leaves Dean floundering without a single anchor in this world, then that’s his problem and not Cas’. “Yeah, Cas, I’m sure. Tell Gabe to give me a time and place and I’ll be there.”

“Us,” Charlie talks over him. “Tell _us_ a time and date and _we’ll_ be there.”

Cas nods like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “I’ll text Gabriel to set up the meeting.”

“No, wait.” Dean holds him back. “I don’t want to endanger any of you. We don’t know what’s waiting for us. Not to even speak of the fact that you could get fired.”

“Oh, shut up, Winchester,” Charlie gives his shoulder amicable punch. “We’re grown ups. We’re able to decide for ourselves, we don’t need you to do it for us. And I for my part have decided that you’re worth the risk. So sit down and eat your food and let Cas get the ball rolling.”

***

Apparently, Dean is helpless against the stubbornness of his friends, because even though he tries to dissuade them several more times, Cas sets up a meeting explicitly including all three of them. In fact, it’s all Dean can do to keep Cas from calling Sam and getting him to go with them as well. Dean’s not proud of it, but he resorts to begging on this one. He can’t do this with his little brother present. Not if he doesn’t know he’s going to come out intact on the other end.

Dean’s stomach is decidedly not up for food, but with Cas and Charlie hovering he makes an effort. It’s easier than to have them pestering him. There isn’t really anything they can prepare for the meeting, so the day stretches with a lot of empty time. Cas calls in to work as well, though fortunately he only had one more appointment this afternoon, which is easily postponed. Dean can’t keep himself from watching him while he makes that call. He doesn’t even eavesdrop, just watches the way Cas’ lips move as he talks.

Depending on how the evening goes, this might be their last day together. Tomorrow morning, Dean might be packing a bag and leaving this house and this life behind.

If he found the courage now, at least he would know.

He would know how Cas tasted.

How his lips feel.

Whether his stubble is soft or scratchy against Dean’s cheek.

He looks away when Cas catches him staring.

It’s no good. The only thing that would happen if Dean gave in to this now, if he asked Cas and Cas wanted to kiss him back, would be that Dean wants more. Give Dean your little finger and he’ll take the whole arm.

He can’t let that happen. He can’t allow his judgement to be clouded by want. By hope. Maybe they’d have had a chance, had Amara not shown up. Or maybe, they’d never have found the courage to talk about any of this and would have stayed friends forever. Dean would be okay with that, really. With anything that doesn’t make him end up in a life of which Cas is not a part.

But that’s not the way things turned out. Kissing Cas now would only make everything worse, no matter how much Dean wants to have that one memory to hold onto in a bleak future.

So he lets it go. Concentrates on other things. Cleans the kitchen again. Gets his papers on the desk in the guestroom in order. Ignores the worried looks both Charlie and Cas are sending him and keeps quiet. Until finally Charlie says, “It’s almost five. We need to go.”

***

They get into a fight, almost at least. About who is going to drive. Because Dean will not make it a habit to let other people chauffeur him. Nevermind that Cas’ argument that the Impala is way too conspicuous is sound. Nevermind that without having eaten much all day Dean’s hands are kind of shaking and that it was a good idea last time Cas insisted on driving, too.

Charlie listens to them bitch at each other for all of three minutes before she takes over, dragging them bodily over to her own car and ending the argument by climbing into the driver’s seat. Dean huffs an annoyed breath and gets in behind her, so that he can at least sulk and be anxious in peace.

Of course that hope gets shot the moment Cas opens the other back door and climbs in beside him.

Dean stubbornly avoids looking at him and stares out of the window while Cas dictates the address to Charlie to put into her GPS. He keeps staring out of the window while they drive, too. He can’t keep his legs from jittering or his breaths from becoming shorter and shorter the longer they drive, though, no matter how hard he tries.

Suddenly, there’s warmth wrapping around his palm.

“Breathe, Dean.”

Dean looks down to find that Cas has wrapped his hand around Dean’s. He looks up at him.

“Okay?” Cas asks, voice unsure.

And Dean’s pretty sure his own voice is not up to any actual words right now, so all he does is nod. Because yeah, the warmth feels good. Grounding. Like that anchor he was desperately searching for earlier.

“Okay,” Cas nods and holds on.

In fact, he doesn’t let go until Charlie kills the engine. Dean’s expected to end up in a shady part of town, automatically associating the shadiness of their business with back alleys that smell like piss and underground clubs decked in red velvet. But this isn’t that. They’ve ended up in a nondescript industrial area with warehouses and storage facilities, office buildings and a fast food chain at the intersection that leads to the highway.

“There’s Gabriel,” Cas points out. Dean hadn’t even noticed him.

“Okay, let’s do this.” His voice sounds more determined than he feels. In an effort not to take Cas’ hand again, Dean buries his own hands deep in his pockets and walks over to Gabe with long strides, leaving Charlie and Cas to follow him.

“Hello, Dean-o,” Gabe greets him with a fake wide grin. “Glad you could make it.”

“Cut the crap. Where do we need to go?”

“Now, now, be polite, Dean-o. I’m helping you after all.”

And yeah, okay, Dean doesn’t need to snap at Gabe just cause the fear is balling in his stomach like a taco gone bad. “Could you _please_ lead the way?” he amends.

“Since you’re asking so nicely,” Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Follow me.”

Immediately, Cas is back at Dean’s side, close enough that their shoulders keep brushing. Neither Charlie nor Gabe comment on it, and Dean himself doesn’t take any measures to bring some distance between them, either, Cas’ solid presence at his side welcome whether he wants to admit it or not.

Gabriel leads them into one of the lots and then into one of the warehouses. It’s a large space and not exactly bustling with activity. Still, there are a few people moving around, moving boxes and containers.

Gabriel ignores them in favor of walking up to where a group of muscular men is apparently getting instructions. Or getting lectured, as it seems.

“I like you lads. I really, really do. But, ye know? My wares are precious. You would regret making _another_ such mistake.”

They are close enough now that Dean can see the owner of the voice. It’s a tiny red-headed woman. She’s wearing a smile but her eyes are sparkling with a deep fire. Judging by the hastily murmured apologies of the burly men, they see it, too.

The woman dismisses them with a wave and rakes her eyes up and down Dean’s body before taking in the rest of their group. “OOoh! And what do we have here?”

“Uhh, I’m Gabriel. We have an appointment?”

The woman fixes Gabriel with her gaze. “Ah yes, of course. Please. Do excuse the commotion,” she gestures at their surroundings. “The import-export-business runs 24 hours a day, ah’m afraid. Let’s do find someplace quieter to talk.”

She turns on her heel. Gabe looks back at them and shrugs before following her.

She leads them into an office. Dean would expect stacks of papers but there aren’t any. Instead, there are shelves lining the walls that house statues and glasses full of liquids and sands and things that he’s not sure he wants to know what they are.

“Careful, sweetie.” The woman stops him with a hand on his arm when he goes closer to one of the shelves to look at the statue of - a Mayan God? that occupies its center. “You wouldn’t want to accidentally break any of my precious artifacts.”

“Artifacts?” he asks back dumbly.

She gives him a smile that is as sweet as it is dangerous. “Import/Export, I told you that.” Then, with a quick move, she captures his hand in an iron grasp and turns it to look at his wrist. “So you’re the one.”

“Let him go!” Cas is next to him in a heartbeat, shouldering his way between them.

The woman raises her eyebrows but she lets go of Dean’s hand and holds her hands up innocently. “No need for that, love. I’m Rowena by-the-by. And you are?” She turns back to Dean.

“Dean. Umm, Dean Winchester,” Dean introduces himself. “And these are…”

“Ah!” She holds a hand up to stop him. “I need yer name, sweetheart, I don’t need theirs. The less we know of each other, the better.”

“Right,” Dean mumbles. They’re doing something illegal. They’re supposed to be clandestine. He can feel his face heat up.

“You _are_ a cute one, aren’t ye?” Rowena chuckles and runs a light finger along his cheekbone.

And that’s quite enough of that, thank you very much. “So can you do it?” Dean asks and steps back and away from her touch.

She smiles at him like a cat who’s looking at a bowl of cream. “An Unsealing? Now….you wouldn’t even be here if I couldn’t, darling.”

“How?” Cas asks. “How are you doing it?”

Her eyes narrow when she shifts her focus to Cas, appraising him. Less cat with a bowl of cream, more cat looking at a mouse, assessing how fast it can run. “It’s easy enough. I’ll just be needin’ to kill the lad.”

For a heartbeat, it’s like everyone stops breathing, then Cas shoves himself in front of Dean again, shielding him from Rowena. “You won't lay a finger on Dean!” Cas growls.

It doesn’t make the impression he wants it to make because Rowena dissolves into peals of laughter. “Yer a protective one, aren’t you?” She says it like she thinks it’s cute. “Only temporarily, luv. I'll kill him _temporarily_. And no worries, it won’t be like Romeo and Juliet. I happen to know what I’m doing.”

That leaves all of them stunned.

Finally, it’s Charlie, who finds her voice first. “Can you maybe, uhh, explain that in a little more detail?”

Rowena fixes her eyes on Charlie before turning back to Dean. “ _Three_ Guardians? Yer a tough case, Dean Winchester, aren’t you?”

“They’re not…”

“Please,” Rowena interrupts him. “I kin smell a Guardian three miles against the wind.”

“Neither of us is here in official capacity today. Obviously,” Charlie answers irritatedly. “And only I am Dean’s Guardian. And I’m not leaving his side. Nor will I let him die on my watch.”

“ _Temporarily_! Just temporarily! Does no one ever listen to me?” Rowena exclaims in mock exasperation.

And this is not getting them anywhere. “Please explain,” Dean asks her and pushes Cas a step to the side so that he can actually look at Rowena while talking to her. Cas literally growls at that but he gives a few inches.

“Well, sweetheart, just because it’s you.” Rowena winks at him but then her demeanor changes, the playfulness replaced with what Dean guesses is professional conduct for her. “Seals are nasty beasts. They’re complicated. Deeply ingrained. Smack dab in the middle of your soul. It isn’t easy, breaking them. And it can leave damage.”

Dean swallows heavily but then, he knew this before. “Last I heard, dying leaves damage, too.”

Rowena shrugs. “Less so than you’d be led ta believe. _Much_ less so than if I tried to rip out your soulbond while you’re still alive. The pain would be so agonizing, it’d leave ye a vegetable. I’ve seen it before.”

It is said as such a laconic statement of fact that it makes Dean shudder. “So instead you kill me?”

“Instead a’ working against nature, I let nature work for me. A soulbond lasts ‘until death do us part’. I let death do their job is all. Once yer soul has seen the light, the seal will be broken, releasing both you and yer soulmate.”

It sounds both equal parts insane and making total sense.

“I’ve heard of this before,” Charlie says quietly. “It happens accidentally sometimes. When someone dies and the medics bring them back. Sometimes the soulbond restores itself, sometimes it doesn’t.”

“I’ll make sure that it doesn’t,” Rowena nods.

“How?” Charlie asks.

Rowena smiles at her. “I have my ways, dear. But a’m not giving away the secrets of my trade to a Guardian, of all people.”

“This is crazy!” Cas bursts out. “This is dangerous! Dean, you can’t let this woman _kill_ you!”

“Hey there,” Rowena protests. “I’ve never _actually_ killed anyone before. Not _accidentally_ , that is.” She smiles the same sugar sweet smile that she smiled at the workers before. Then she turns back to Dean. “Of course ye’d still have to stay dead, luv. I can keep the soulbond from reattaching, but keeping yer former soulmate from killing you if they find out what you’ve done is not included in my regularly delivered services. Though my son will be able to help with the paper trail if you’ll be needin’ it. For an additional fee, of course. But you’ll get a shiny new identity. I’d advise you to skip town with it on the next fresh breeze.”

“You’d have to leave.” Cas’ voice suddenly rings hollow. “You’d have to disappear.”

Rowena’s expression borders on pity when she looks at Cas. “You didn’t think this completely through dear, did you?”

“When can you do it?” Dean interrupts her.

She looks back at him. “There’ll be a new moon three days from now. That’s the nearest opportunity.”

“A new moon?” Dean asks confused. “What does it matter what moon phase it is when I die?”

“It doesn’t matter for the dying part, luv. It matters for the coming back part. Some magic wants light to see, other magic wants dark to conceal. What would you guess we’re doing here?”

“Concealing my bond from Amara,” Dean admits.

“Bingo,” Rowena answers in a sing-song lilt.

“So the next opportunity after that is only in a month?” Dean asks to be sure.

“‘Fraid so,” Rowena confirms.

“Shit.” He’s never going to make it through a month. “But three days isn’t enough.”

“It will be for me,” Rowena shrugs.

“What about the documents he needs?” Gabriel asks.

“I can tell my son to set up some secure communications. Give him the money and the information that he needs and your documents will be ready.”

“Do I have to decide right now?” Dean asks, fighting back his panic. It vibrates under his skin but he’ll only allow it to come out once they’re safely back in the car.

“This one knows how ta get ahold of me.” She flips a hand vaguely in Gabriel’s direction. “If I hear from you by tonight, I’ll be sending ye further instructions.”

“Instructions?”

Rowena smiles. “I have ta make sure that you’re not too dead to pay me, don’t I now?” Then her face turns serious. “Once this is done, luv, it’s done. There’s no undoing it. And you will grieve this just like any other bond broken by death. Ye better be very sure.”

***

The shaking in fact starts the minute he’s slumped in the backseat of Charlie’s car.

“Deep breaths, Dean,” she reminds him while Cas looks at him worriedly.

“Just drive,” Dean tells her, voice not up for anything else.

“Where to?” Charlie asks.

“My cafe,” Gabriel’s voice provides from next to the car door. “I need to work and I think we all need some sugar right now.”

Dean’s pretty sure sugar is not going to do anything for him, but he’s got a feeling that if he opens a whiskey bottle instead, he’s not going to stop drinking until the bottle is empty and he’s unconscious. So this is probably for the better.

“Dean?” Charlie asks him.

“Yeah, okay,” Dean grinds out.

Charlie nods and turns back to Gabe. “Your cafe it is. I’ll follow you there.”

That’s all they need in input from Dean so he tunes them out and instead tries to get the shaking under control. He hates this. Hates the panic attacks. He’s useless when they happen. Can’t defend himself, can’t listen to orders, can’t make things right.

He jumps when there’s suddenly a hand on his shoulder. But it’s just Cas, who’s sat down in the backseat with him again. He slowly and carefully runs his hand over Dean’s back, stopping when he reaches his neck to slowly massage it.

And Dean doesn’t like being touched when he is like this, doesn’t even like anyone seeing him like this, but he doesn’t shake Cas off. Instead he leans forward until his forehead rests against the front seat, his hands cushioning it from the bumps of the drive.

Cas doesn’t say anything, just gently digs his fingers into the tight muscles of Dean’s neck. It helps. Dean doesn’t really want to admit it, not even to himself, because anything that helps is also dangerous. Anything that helps is something that he’s going to miss when he doesn’t have it anymore. Providing he’s still alive to miss it. Without permission, a giggle makes it out of his mouth. They’re gonna kill him. That’s the best plan they could come up with. Killing him. It’s so absurd it seems funny.

He’s still helplessly laughing when Charlie pulls into a parking spot in front of Gabe’s cafe. But he waves off both Cas and Charlie when they try to help him out of the car. He’s alive - for now anyway - so he’ll manage the goddamn walk into the cafe on his own.  

Gabe ushers them through the back entrance and into a side-room that has a _staff only_ sign on it. “Don’t think our topics are for the ears of the mainstream audience today. Also, we don’t want any surprise visitors. Though staff has been instructed to call the police the moment she shows up.”

Dean hadn’t even thought about that, but yeah, Amara knows this place.

“Good thinking,” Charlie nods.

“Sit tight for a moment, I’ll bring you drinks.”

“Don’t you need to know what we want first?” Cas frowns.

“No,” Gabe shakes his head. “It’s the _house special_ for everyone.” He disappears through the door.

“What’s the _house special_?” Charlie asks.

“Hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows,” Cas says and wrinkles his nose.

Dean gets it. It’s not his favorite, either. But he’s chittery enough, he doesn’t need to add any caffeine to that, so he’s kind of glad Gabe took that choice out of his hands and doesn’t make him pretend to want something stronger.

“Should I call Sam?” Cas asks quietly.

And oh God, Dean had managed to successfully block out that he’s going to have to tell his little brother about this whatever he decides. “No!” It comes out more panicked than he wanted. “No,” he repeats softer. “Not yet. Not until I know what I want to do.” Though _want_ is overstating it for all the options available to him.

“Dean…” He can tell from Cas’ tone that he’s not happy about this.

“Please, Cas. I can’t. I can’t contemplate _killing myself_ with my little brother here, okay?”

Gabe freezes where he’d come in through the door with a tray with their hot chocolates. Then he breathes out loudly and quickly comes in. “Jeez, Dean-o, way to be dramatic.”

Dean takes his mug from him with a nod of thanks but he looks at him in challenge. “But am I? Being dramatic? That’s what Rowena told us, right? That I need to die?”

“Temporarily,” Charlie pipes up. “She’ll stop your heart but she’s going to bring you back.”

“We hope,” Dean says drily. Then the second part of this plan comes back to him. It sends a wave of hot fear and cold dread through him. “And I’ll have to stay dead. I mean, for the world.” He can feel his eyes widen in realisation. “I gotta credibly be dead. I’m gonna have to make it look like I killed myself. People are gonna have to think I did it, too. There’s gonna have to be a funeral and everything.”

That thought silences all of them for a moment as the implications sink in.

“Shit,” Dean runs a hand through his hair. “Shit. It’s gotta be as real as possible.”

Cas’ eyes widen. “You’re not going to tell Sam.”

“I - I don’t know, man.” Dean drops back heavily in his chair. “Shit.”

“Well,” Gabe chimes in. “From a practical perspective, I have to say, the less people we tell the easier this is going to be to control. I’ll place my cafe at your disposal for the funeral party, but I’d rather not get arrested for this shit.”

“So we’re seriously thinking about this?” Dean asks, his mind still caught between screeching and shutting down.

“I’m not letting you give yourself up to Amara,” Cas says determinedly. “But I do not like this option, either. Isn’t there a way where we can just disappear without killing you first?”

“The soulmate bond…” Charlie starts at the same time that Dean abruptly looks up at Cas. “We?” he asks.

“Well, of course, Dean,” Cas says like it’s the most normal thing in the world to say. “You didn’t think that I’d leave you, did you?”

“Dude…” But there aren’t any actual words following. He’s never even contemplated that that was an option.

“The soulmate bond,” Charlie starts back up once it’s clear that no one else is going to continue, “has been activated. Fleeing it without breaking it would only make it stronger. To the point where I fear that Amara would feel you over long distances. Very long distances. I’m not sure you could outrun her forever.”

And yeah, Dean has already learned that one, how the soulmate pull gets stronger the longer he’s not seen Amara. “I can’t do that,” he says quietly. “I can’t keep running. I gotta make a decision. This has to end. Either way.”

Charlie nods. “I thought as much.”

“Well, my vote is for killing you.” Gabriel shrugs when his brother glares at him. “Sorry, Cassie, but I think taking our chances with the red witch is better than delivering your boyfriend to the darkness.”

“He’s not…” “I’m not…” They start at the same time.

“Really?” Gabe rolls his eyes. “ _That’s_ what you think is important right now?”

It deflates them both. “Well,” Dean is the first to find his voice again. “Assuming I go along with this insanity, what then? I just up and go and live on the streets in California somewhere?”

“Not without me,” Cas immediately pitches in.

“Cas, no offense, man, but I don’t want you to live on the streets, either.”

“You won’t have to,” Charlie interrupts. “Neither of you. You set on California?”

“What?” Dean turns to face her.

“Are you set on California?” Charlie repeats patiently. “I kinda gotta know which state or country your ID documents should belong to.”

“You - what?” Dean shakes his head to clear it but it doesn’t help with his confusion.

“I told you I can do this. I mean it’s not a skill that’s on my resume,” Charlie shrugs. “But then, none of the things on my resume have much actual merit. Dean, I have done this before. I can do it for you, too.”

“What?” Somehow Dean’s brain is stuck on that one question.

She gives him a sympathetic look. “Dean, no one has it figured out from the beginning. This,” she holds up her arm to show off her wristband of mourning, “was a hard earned lesson.”

She doesn’t say anymore but from the expression on her face, whatever has happened to her wasn’t good.

“So you’re - you’re not actually _Charlie_?” he asks.

She smiles at him. “I am. I’m Charlie now and I intend to stay her for a long long time. But no, it’s not the name I was born with.”

“Huh,” is all Dean knows to say.

“In any case,” Charlie picks the conversation back up. “Things are going to be even easier this time around because I have access to government computers. If Rowena’s son knows a decent print shop, I think we can have your documents in place in no time.”

“I’m going with him,” Cas stubbornly repeats.

“Cassie…” Gabriel starts.

“No!” Cas talks over him. “No, you don’t get a say in this. No one does. Only me. It’s my life. This time, only I choose what to do with it.”

“Ooookay,” Gabriel holds his hands up in surrender. “Cassie, darling, I wasn’t going to say what you think I was gonna say. I’m not Dad, remember? No orders to follow the societal expectations from me. Also, I’m not keen on repeating old mistakes, either. Once is enough.”

“What were you going to say?” Cas asks suspiciously, though his anger seems to have simmered down with the mention of whatever Gabriel is alluding to.

Gabe sighs. “That I’m gonna miss you something awful, little brother. Might even miss this oaf here.” He punches Dean in the shoulder. “So hey, my tears at your funeral won’t be all fake.”

Dean groans but at the same time he’s actually sort of grateful. Gabe’s dry humor grounds all of this in a normality that makes it feel slightly less like he’s fallen through a hole in reality and hasn’t found his way back out.

“Well then, I guess I’ll call Rowena?” Gabriel raises his eyebrows at Dean.

“I…” Dean’s eyes dart from Gabe to Cas to Charlie and back to Cas.

Cas still wears his determined face. The one that Dean almost never wins against. But then, Dean remembers Cas’ face when Charlie had told him that Dean wanted to give himself up to Amara. And the determined face is so much better than the hurt and betrayal and pain that he’d seen then. He can argue with the determined face. But he’ll never forgive himself for being the cause of the pain.

And really, this is as good as going with Amara. In fact, this is better. Because Dean’s got a feeling that his friends and family would try to keep contact with him, even if he asks them not to. They’d try to keep him safe even when it brings them into the path of danger. If he’s dead, Amara has no reason to go after them. She won’t harm them. All Dean has to do is to stay far away. And he can discuss that with Cas when they’re alone. Make him see reason. Make him see that Dean’s not worth giving your whole life up for.

He takes a deep breath. “Yes. Yes, call her. I want to go through with this.” Then he turns to Charlie. “And California is fine.” At least there’s beach and it’s warm if he in fact ends up living on the street.

***

Since they took her car, Charlie has to bring them back home. It’s weird. It’s only been a few hours but so much has changed. Charlie seems to feel it, too, because she gets out of the car to hug Dean goodbye. She holds on tight. “We’re going to get through this, okay? Just don’t do anything stupid until we get there, alright? We have a plan to follow now.”

He nods. He knows that. It doesn’t necessarily make him feel any happier but he’s made up his mind and he thinks that this might actually have a snowball’s chance in hell to work, so there’s that. “I’ll be good,” he promises her and hugs her back as tightly before letting go. “Keep me updated on the papers?”

“Of course,” she nods and lets go of him, too. “Cas?” She opens her arms.

Cas hesitates for a moment but then willingly steps into her embrace.

Charlie tightens her arms around his neck when he whispers something into her ear. She nods and pats him on the back. “No worries, Cas. Or, no more worries than necessary.” She gives them both a halfhearted thumbs-up before turning back to her car. “Oh, and guys,” she turns back around to them once more. “You should talk. With your lips and stuff. With words or without, I don’t care. But you should let your lips speak. Yep, you should do that.” She points an accusing finger between the two of them. “Figure this out!”

And with that she gets into her car and is gone.

 

“Are you hungry?” Cas asks when they’re inside.

The super sweet cocoa is still sloshing around Dean’s insides, so he shrugs. “Want to order a pizza?”

“Maybe we should cook. We’ve been eating a lot of greasy food,” Cas frowns.

“Hey, I’m gonna die in a few days, I don’t think the pizza will manage to give me a heart-attack before then.”

“That’s not funny, Dean,” Cas admonishes.

“It’s a little funny,” Dean replies, though one look at Cas tells him that Cas is indeed less than amused. “Yeah, okay, not funny,” he gives in, “but do you really want to cook? Cause frankly, I don’t think I’ve got the energy.”

Cas deflates at the statement. “I guess you’re right,” he nods and fishes through the stack of take out menus. “The usual?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Dean nods. He gets two beers out of the fridge, puts one on the table for Cas, opens the other for himself and leans back against the counter, watching Cas place the call. It’s so fucking familiar, every motion one that they’ve gone through a thousand times over the course of their friendship. Hell, Cas didn’t even have to ask what Dean wanted on his pizza. He just knows. Like he knows pretty much everything else about Dean. Including when to come home because Dean’s one-liner he sent via text message sounded too much like goodbye.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says when Cas has hung up.

“What did you do?” Cas asks puzzled.

“You’ve been with me every step of the way. It wasn’t cool of me to shut you out. I’m sorry.”  He gives Cas a guilty half-smile.

“But?” Cas asks.

“No but,” Dean shakes his head.  

Cas raises his eyebrow, clearly not believing him.

Dean fidgets uncomfortably under that gaze. “Cas, I - I know it was wrong to shut you out. I won’t do it again, okay?”

“No,” Cas answers flatly. “I won’t accept this.”

“What?” Dean asks, not following. “You won’t accept my apology?”

“I accept your apology. And I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do. But I won’t give you my blessing. Not now out of all times.” Cas crosses his arms over his chest.

“Cas,” Dean shakes his head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

That finally is enough to make Cas get up and stalk over to Dean. He stabs a finger at Dean’s ribs. “You want to leave me behind, do it. I can’t stop you. But don’t go ahead and think you can make me _agree_ to it. Cause you can’t.”

“Cas…” Dean’s got no idea what to say to this. Because yeah, of course he’s planned to make Cas see reason. He’s got no idea why Cas wants to go with him in the first place. It’s not like they are - anything, really. “You have your whole life here, man. A job that you love. A house. Friends. Your brother. Don’t throw it all away because of me.” Cause Dean is definitely not worth that.

But Cas’ face hardens to an angry mask. “Is that what you think? That following you is throwing my life away?”

“Uhh, yeah?” Dean answers cautiously because angry face is worse than determined face and Dean really doesn’t want his memories of his final days with Cas to be of them shouting at each other.

“Then I already have done that,” Cas replies harshly. He crosses his arms for good measure.

“Cas? What did you do?” Dean asks, eyes widening. They’ve only just come back home, Cas can’t have done anything yet, can he? “Is it your job? Or the house? But you can’t have! I was here the whole time! You couldn’t have…”

“Dean!” Cas’ hand is on Dean’s arm, anger replaced with worry. “Breathe, Dean. Breathe. I didn’t do anything. Not now. I can’t, remember? I can’t know about you _dying_ before it happens, right?”

“Then - then what do you mean?” Dean asks back because if it’s not that he’s at a complete loss.

Cas bites his lips in answer. Suddenly his eyes don’t want to meet Dean’s. Dean catches his hand before it can fall away from his arm.

“Hey, Cas. It’s okay. Talk to me.” He holds onto Cas’ hand and Cas lets him.

“This, Dean.” Cas vaguely gestures around the room. He’s still not meeting Dean’s eyes. “All of this. I never intended to stay in this city. I only stayed because of you.”

“But - Gabriel?” Dean asks flabbergasted.

“Is here because of me.”

“And you’re here…”

“Because of you. Yes, Dean.” This time, Cas looks up. Like he needs to make absolutely sure that Dean knows this.

“But…” But there are no words. Dean isn’t even sure there is space in his brain for this revelation, let alone RAM to compute it.

“I don’t regret it, Dean. No matter what you say. You are important to me. Have always been. And I was good with how we were. I didn’t stay close to you because…  I was good with being friends.” Cas squeezes Dean’s hand. “I didn’t have any ulterior motives. You have to believe me. I know that under the current circumstances, it must seem creepy but I didn’t mean to impose, I just…”

But Dean doesn’t let him finish. Can’t. His body moves before he consciously catches up with it. Cas’ last word comes out with a small surprised _umpf_ because Dean’s lips are pressed against his. Because that’s the only reaction he has. The only thing he has to offer.

The surprise melts into something softer, something malleable and sweet, the sound from Cas’ lips turning into a soft sigh as his hand comes up to cup the back of Dean’s neck.

Dean exhales in relief, lets himself become malleable and soft as well, pliant under Cas’ hands and lips. After all, Cas is the one who has no soulmark. Who says that _ace_ is a word that maybe describes him well. So Cas should be the one who sets the speed. Who is in control.

For a long moment, Cas does just that. It’s like he’s tasting a new ice cream variety or a new food altogether. Like he’s tasting the texture and the makeup of it, like he assesses how the mix of ingredients makes him feel.

But then he stops. One moment to the next he is gone.

Dean’s eyes had closed but now he opens them again. Cas has taken a large step back and is staring at him with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Dean immediately apologizes. “I didn’t want to… Shit, man, I don’t know what I was thinking.” He is walking backwards, too, bringing more space between them because shit, he didn’t want to have memories of yelling, but he doesn’t want any memories of hurting Cas, either. “That was selfish of me. I’m so sorry.” He stumbles over his words, knows he’s rambling, but Cas is still just staring. “I just - I just wanted - just to know how it feels - just this one time. Just to have something to hold onto - but you don’t do this kind of stuff. And I knew that. I shouldn’t have. Shit, Cas, I’m so sorry.”

“Dean.” And just like that Cas is in his space again, catching his sleeve and holding onto it. “Please don’t do this, Dean.”

“I’m sorry!” It sounds choked. A little desperate. Like Dean is close to tears, and maybe he is. “I won’t do it again, I promise!”

“No, Dean, not that!” Cas shakes his head, expression warring between impatience and something that is also not unlike desperation. “Don’t say goodbye, Dean. Please don’t. Not like this.”

And then Dean has an armful of Guardian hanging off of him, because Cas throws his arms around Dean’s neck and buries his face in his chest.

“Please, Dean. Please don’t make me lose you, too.”

Automatically, Dean’s arms come up around Cas’ back to hold him tight, even while his mind stumbles. They’ve told each other this before. Have said that they don’t want to lose each other. But this, this is new. _Don’t make me lose you,_ **_too_ ** _._ That word hasn’t ever been there before.

“I’m here. I’m still here,” Dean tries to soothe, only it doesn’t have the effect he wants it to have. In fact, Cas’ shoulders start to shake, and yeah, Cas is crying.

For a moment, Dean is frozen. Cas is his rock. Cas is stable and has shit figured out. It’s Dean who is the emotional mess. Only now, Cas is crying and shaking and he’s not supporting much of his own weight.

“Okay. Okay, Cas, come on. Let’s get to the couch.”

Dean carefully maneuvers them both, has to, because Cas absolutely refuses to let go of him. Still, they make it over to the couch somehow and Dean falls down thankfully, taking Cas with him.

Immediately, Cas wraps himself around Dean tighter.

“Okay. It’s okay, buddy. I’m here,” Dean tries again at soothing him, though it doesn’t seem to have any effect. As shitty as the last few days have been, or in fact all the days since Amara showed up in his life, this here, this breaks Dean’s heart. He has no idea what to do. How to make Cas feel better. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this.”

“Stop!” Cas’ eyes are red-rimmed and his voice breaks but he glares at Dean. “Stop apologizing! None of this is your fault, Dean! Don’t let her do this to you! Don’t let her - No! _I_ won’t let her to do this to you! I won’t let you do this! I won’t let you! I won’t! I won’t lose you! I won’t let it happen! Not this time! I refuse!” He’s crying again, though this time he angrily wipes at his tears and he doesn’t stop glaring at Dean, either.

“Cas! Cas!” Dean grabs his hands and makes another attempt to get through to him. “You haven’t lost me! I’m right here, okay? You haven’t ever lost me!”

It makes something change in Cas’ eyes. But Dean is not sure it’s a good thing because Cas’ voice is utterly toneless when he whispers, “But I will. If she gets her way, I will. And I can’t do it again. I can’t.”

“Please, Cas, I don’t understand. Please explain it to me,” Dean pleads because this has gone from heartbreaking to utterly confusing. “What are you talking about?”

For a long moment, Cas doesn’t answer. Then he swallows heavily. “Who.” It is no more than a whispered word. “You should ask me, _who_ am I talking about.”

A shudder runs down Dean’s spine. Whatever this is, it isn’t good. Still, “Who are you talking about?” he asks, trying to match Cas’ tone but his voice too loud in the room anyway.

Cas stares at him, or rather through him, for another few heartbeats before he seems to make a decision. He retracts his hands from Dean’s grip and gets up.

“Cas?” Dean asks, worried about Cas’ sudden retreat.

But Cas only shakes his head. He doesn’t walk towards the door as Dean had expected. Instead, he goes over to the shelf unit. He bends down to retrieve something - a box, Dean thinks. He doesn’t bring the whole thing over, instead he opens it where he is and searches for something. It’s that thing that he finally brings back and holds out to Dean.

It’s a picture frame. There’s a collage of photos inside.

Cas’ family.

He’s not seen that many pictures of them but he recognizes Cas and Gabe and their father. They’re not the only people on the photos, though.

“Her,” Cas points at a slim young woman who in the photo has one arm wrapped around a teenage Cas and Gabe each. “I’m talking about her.”

Dean looks closer at the picture, but no, he’s never seen the woman before. “Who is she?” he asks.

“Was,” Cas answers, deep sorrow in his voice. “She was my sister.”

“Cas…” But there are no words for that.

Cas shakes his head unwillingly. “I’m not showing you this because I want your pity. I would never have shown you this if not…” He turns his head away, takes a deep breath. When he looks back his face is determined. “This is from before. From before she met him. Her _soulmate_.” Cas spits the word like it’s rotting on his tongue. “There are no pictures from after. He didn’t like it. Not that we’d meet at all. Definitely not that we’d hug. Talk. Make memories that didn’t have him in it. We didn’t meet all that often anymore after.”

A cold fear takes possession of Dean. “Cas, what - what happened to her?”

“What do you think?” Cas huffs, though his eyes get stuck on the picture again. He lets a gentle thumb glide over the smiling face of his sister. “She looks so sweet and innocent here. But she wasn’t, Dean. Anna was tough. She could fight. It didn’t do her a single bit of good. Never does.” He looks at Dean. “If you don’t want me with you in California, I’ll be unhappy, but I’ll respect your wishes. But I’m never going to let what happened to my sister happen to you. I’ll fight my way through heaven and hell to stop Amara from destroying you. I will not watch you turn into a shadow like she did. I will not.”

There is an even conviction in his voice that leaves no doubts that he means that. It’s a stark contrast to softly he takes Dean’s hand. He turns it over and lets his thumb glide over the bruise on Dean’s wrist. He does it with the same care and the same reverence that he’d shown with his sister. Then he looks up again.

“I’m not - I’m not good at relationships. I don’t know how they work. Or whether I’m made to be in them. So I cannot promise you a happily ever after. But what I can say, what I know without a doubt, is that I have loved you for a long time now. And while I cannot say whether my love is the same that other people feel, whether it’s the love that you want or need, I’m - I’m willing to give this everything I have.” He takes a deep breath. “Please take me with you when you go? Give us a chance?”

It would knock Dean flat on his ass if he wasn’t already sitting down. “Cas, are you… are you sure I’m worth all that? Giving up your whole life?”

“I’m not giving up anything,” Cas insists. “I’m making this the start of something new.”

And that, that is not something Dean has considered. That the outcome of what they’re doing could be more than avoiding broken bones and a life shackled to the one who’s breaking them. That the outcome of this could actually be something good. The start of something new. A life that he actually - enjoys. How weird is that?

“Will you tell me more about her?” Dean asks and points at the picture frame. “When we’re in California and have the time?”

It takes a moment but then Cas’ mouth stretches into a brilliant smile, even though his eyes keep some of their sadness. “I will,” he promises, “If you still want to hear it then.”

“Yes, Cas. I’ll still want to hear it. I want to know all the good parts and all the bad parts. Want to be there for you.” Like Cas is there for him. But that doesn’t even need saying it is so self-evident.

“You are,” Cas says and squeezes Dean’s hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. But it’s been - she is the reason both Gabriel and I became Guardians. So we could help others where we couldn’t help her. But it’s been - it’s not been easy. Being a Guardian does not always give you the freedom you’d need to actually make a difference.”

“Is that why Gabe opened his cafe?”

Cas nods. “Yes. Being a Guardian, it was too inflexible a structure for him. Now he has - contacts. For the kind of support that he couldn’t give as a Guardian. And the cafe makes him happy. That’s worth a lot.”

“Yeah,” Dean nods because he can see that. He bites his lip because he isn’t sure it’s appropriate to say what’s on his mind but he says it anyway. “I’m never happier than when I’m with you.”

Apparently, Cas doesn’t mind, though, because he gives Dean another brilliant smile. His eyes are soft as he leans in, closes the distance between them and presses gentle lips to Dean’s.

***

And thus it is decided that Cas will come with him. Dean can’t really wrap his head around it even as he is becoming ever more certain that Cas had in fact started getting the ball rolling on that before he and Dean talked. That Charlie always knew to make two sets of IDs. They have given her photos to use and she is coming up with the rest.

For a while there, Dean is worried that she’ll use what information she has about them to actually make them end up married with a license from Vegas or something but when he outright asks her about it, she doesn’t react the way he thinks she will. She doesn’t take it as a joke and laughs it off, either. Instead, she looks at him with compassion and shakes her head.

“No, Dean. You’re breaking a soulmate bond. Whether you love Cas or not, you _will_ be grieving. Anything between you two will have to survive that before it can become more. For now, you’ll be _Dean Smith_ and _Jimmy Novak_.”

Another thing that Dean hadn’t taken into account. He can’t imagine himself grieving about Amara. But then, he would never go close to her out of his own free will, either, and his body is giving him very limited choice in that. So he doesn’t doubt Charlie’s words and doesn’t even comment on the fact that he gets to keep his first name and Cas doesn’t. _Dean_ is more common than _Castiel_ , no doubt.

Charlie forbids them from pretty much doing anything by themselves to plan for their new life. “Let me and Fergus hammer out the details. Don’t even go looking at California webpages. There can be no trail leading from here to there. Cas needs to go do his job and be as inconspicuous as possible right until your funeral. He and Sam can make a big scene with Amara there if she shows up, and then after that Cas can disappear. Grief makes you do crazy things after all.”

Dean nods along because he doesn’t know what else to do but the mention of _Sam_ makes his stomach hurt. He’s written Sam a text message that Gabe’s contact was a wash and that they’re taking a few days to regroup. Sam’s answered to not give up hope and that he’s still looking into the legal side of things. Dean’s insides had churned with the knowledge of how big a lie he was dishing out and how unforgivable it is.

At the same time, he can’t tell him. As much as he hates it, as much as it hurts, if he tells Sam, Sam will not let him go. And Sam needs to let him go. Sam’s got Jess. They need to be kept safe. And if they know that Dean’s not actually dead, they’ll be in danger. Dean can’t have that. Even if it means that his brother has to grieve for him and that he’ll never see him again. It’s worth it as long as Sammy is safe.

And maybe if he tells himself that another few thousand times it will stop feeling as horrible as it does.

Yeah, right. He knows it won’t and he also knows that he’ll have to face Sam at least one more time before the whole deal is going down. Because he can’t go without having at least seen his brother one last time.

Meanwhile, Gabe and Rowena are working on the details of Dean’s death. Gabe told him, “You just worry about keeping Amara off our heels for a few days and then show up to die. That’s all you’ve got to do. I’m going to cover the rest.”

With which he apparently even means finding the funds for Rowena.

“You can pay me back when you and Cassie have settled down. Right now, your accounts can’t look suspicious.”

And while that makes sense, the thoughtfulness and kindness from Gabe is so unexpected that it sends another shiver of foreboding through Dean. Especially when Gabe goes on to say that he’s “gonna make sure that your suicide is a good one”.

Dean wishes he could at least go back to his apartment. He’d quickly thrown the essentials into a duffle bag when he went to stay with Cas, but that was never planned to be forever. So he hadn’t packed any of the shit that has sentimental value for him. He’s got a single crinkled photo of Sam as a kid in his wallet, but he doesn’t even have a picture of his mom. They’re all in a shoebox under his bed. Cas proposes that he can do his best to get Sam to give him a few pictures ‘to remember Dean by’ but Cas has no reason to ask for pictures of their mom. And it’s not like Cas doesn’t have his own set of pictures of Dean, taken over the years they’ve known each other. So Dean tells him to let it be. He’s just going to have to live by memory as with so many other things.

He swallows his feelings about that down because if he thinks too much about it, he’s pretty sure he’s going to break down and that’s the last thing he wants. Gabriel has confirmed that their timeline is to get this done at the new moon, so Dean won’t have to get through too many days of this. He takes what courage he has and texts Sam to ask whether they can meet up, timing it so that his last supper will be with his brother. At least that’ll hopefully keep him from going out of his mind on that last night before he’s going to die.

Sam agrees readily, both to the time and also the location. Dean’s chosen a busy burger place for their meeting. It’s not his favorite but Amara probably knows his favorite, so that’s too dangerous. She’s so far kept all further interference to text messages, ranging from short _you’ll regret this_ messages to long rambling tirades about his ungratefulness. Dean doesn’t answer every message but every so often he will write back. Nothing much, mostly just variations of _please leave me alone_ and _please this doesn’t help_. They’ve talked about that, too, how his messages are probably going to be evidence after his ‘suicide’ and how he needs to sound vaguely depressed and hopeless.

He’d tried to ask Gabe about that several times now, how they’re even going to work around the whole fact that there’s going to be a police investigation and everything, and they’ll hopefully not have an actual body to present to them.

Gabe had smirked and said, “Don’t worry about it, Dean-o. Just bring a second set of clothes. Unwashed. It’s going to be a party that brings down the house.”

Dean had had a sudden flashback to their own house going up in flames, his mother trapped inside, and had abruptly turned away from the conversation, mumbling only, “Make sure the fire doesn’t spread”.

He guesses it makes sense, though. Both in terms of their need to stage a suicide without a body and in terms of Dean’s history. It does have a certain symmetry, Dean going out the same way his mom did.

The thought pushes the bile back up in his throat, especially when he thinks about Sammy finding out about him dying like this. But there’s nothing to be done about it, so he pushes that thought back down with all the other thoughts that are intruding without his permission.

Cas notices, of course, the lines in his face turning deeper with worry as the days progress. He is supposed to go to work to not be suspicious but he’s barely gone for two hours on the first day before he comes back. When Dean confronts him about it, all Cas answers is, “Well, if you’re suicidal, I will damn well have noticed it and done my best not to let you do it. So I’m staying home, doing that.”

And he does. In fact, he is a more or less constant presence in Dean’s space. It should freak him out, Cas hovering like this. But Cas’ hands are warm and gentle, whether they linger on his back or his shoulder for only a moment or stay wrapped around him in a tight embrace when neither of them knows any words to share their pain.

They kiss again, too. It’s different than Dean expected. He’s always found Cas attractive, thought that if he ever got to kiss him, he’d make sure the kisses ramp up, get hot and heavy and lead to shedding clothes fast, because Cas’ body is gorgeous and he stands by that opinion. Only now, the kisses they share are not about that. Like their arms wrapped around each other, they are a way to be close. To hold on to each other. To find one fixed point as their lives as they know them are ending. In a way, it makes them more powerful than anything Dean’s ever known before. And it doesn’t even matter that more than once their kiss tastes salty. It doesn’t matter who of them it is that cries, either.

The knowledge that he isn’t in this alone, that Cas is coming with him, is what keeps Dean afloat. Some moments, it’s the only thing he knows to hold onto. He’s not going to admit it, still scared that Cas might change his mind and also still sure that he isn’t worth Cas giving up his life here for him, but he’s more than half certain that if he’d have had to get through these last three days on his own he’d be considering doing for real what they are staging now.

As it is, Dean does what he can to leave no loose ends. Sam isn’t the only one he owes a goodbye. Even if he’s lying through his teeth while saying it. So in a moment of bravery, he calls the familiar number of the garage.

“Dean? You finally getting your ass back to work?” Bobby huffs without a greeting.

Dean snorts a breath of laughter, though the familiar gruff tone makes his heart heavy with loss. “Miss me that much already?” he jokes halfheartedly.

“That Corolla that’s been standing around for three days does,” Bobby counters.

“Tell Garth to take over.”

Dean can literally hear Bobby raising his eyebrows.

“Hey, it’s a Corolla. There’s nothing he can fuck up. That car’s just gonna run.” That prompts a guffaw of laughter but no immediate protest, so Dean plows on. “I know this is shitty and inconvenient but - I’m gonna need a few more days to figure this out. Sorry, Bobby.”

The apology comes out too quiet and too heartfelt, since it’s much more for what Dean is going to do to the man who has more or less adopted him, than for taking a few days longer off work than planned.

Bobby notices it, too, apparently, because his voice is dark with worry when he answers. “You do what you have to do, son. We can cope without you for a while. Though I can’t promise you that Jo won’t take over the whole place.”

This time, Dean’s chuckle is almost real. He kind of hopes Jo will do exactly that. She’s a good mechanic, never afraid of getting her hands dirty. And she has a mind for business that she’s inherited from her mother. The garage will flourish under her hands. He knows it and Bobby knows it, too. “Yeah, well, old man, we’re both going to have to get used to being under the reign of a blonde.”

“I already am, in case you’ve forgotten,” Bobby grumbles.

Dean laughs. “Tell Ellen I send my best.”

“Tell her yourself. You’re still coming over for family night, right, boy?” Bobby asks, concern clear in his voice.

“Oh right, family night.” Over everything else Dean had forgotten that it’s already almost time for their monthly family dinner. “Look, Bobby, I…” But he doesn’t know how to go on with that sentence.

“Just come to dinner,” Bobby grumbles. “You’re gonna tell us everything that bugs you, and we’re gonna help. That’s what family is for, after all.”

 _That’s what family is for._ Dean closes his eyes against the pain. “Yes, Sir,” he mumbles quietly because his voice doesn’t want to cooperate with the lie.

“Oh, none of that, Son. I ain’t John. Now, I’ll see you next Sunday?”

“Yes, Bobby.” This time the lie comes out a little smoother. “Thank you. For everything.”

He’s said the same words to Cas before, and there they had blown his cover, but all Bobby does is grumble some more.

“'s nothing. I’ll see you soon, boy.”

“Yeah. See you soon, Bobby.” His voice breaks on the last few words and he quickly hangs up.

Fuck. He’d expected this to hurt but he hadn’t expected it to hurt quite as much.

Cas is there then, wrapping him up in his arms and Dean lets him.

“Sometimes I wish I was, you know?” It comes out as a hiccup as he tries to hold back the tears. “His son. He keeps calling me that, and…” He hides his face in Cas’ neck. Cas’ fingers come up to his hair, rubbing soothing circles into his scalp and neck. He lets his tears fall. It’s probably better to get them out before he meets Sam anyway.  

***

He’s got to leave Cas near the entrance. They’ve reserved two tables, one near the front for Gabe and Cas, one near the back for Dean and Sam. And now they’re here, a little later than Gabe and Sam, so that they could scout out the place and warn Dean if something seemed fishy. But the warning never came and now Dean has to leave Cas behind.

“I feel like Linus,” Dean grumbles silently.

Cas raises an eyebrow at him. He doesn’t take Dean’s hand, doesn’t hug him. Keeps his distance because they aren’t soulmates. They have no right to be touching. Also because Sam doesn’t know about any of the new developments. And because it’s all so interwoven, Dean can’t explain it to him, either. Can’t say, ‘Yeah, Cas and I kiss now, and he’s got stubble even when he shaved just a few hours ago. I kind of dig it.’

“Linus?” Cas asks him.

“Peanuts?” Dean says. “The one with the security blanket?”

It takes a moment but then the lightbulb goes on. Cas smiles. “I’m your security blanket?”

“Well, you’re a bit more than that. On account of you being a person and all. But yeah, that’s the general gist of it.” He tries his best to smile back. Sam’s not going to expect him to be in a stellar mood but Dean can’t let him get too worried.

“I’ll be right here, Dean. Literally. I’ll be no more than ten steps away.” Cas squeezes his arm for a moment. “You can do this.”

Dean grimaces. “Guess I don’t have much choice.” But then, that’s not quite true, either. It’s just that all of the choices Dean has are pretty sucky. And in comparison, the one they’re going with is definitely the best. “I’m glad, you know. That you’re doing this with me. That I don’t gotta do it alone.”

Cas’ eyes light up from the inside, shining with a warmth that makes Dean blush. For a split-second, Cas’ eyes drop to his mouth but he catches himself. His smile turns a little regretful. “Tonight,” he promises.

“Tonight,” Dean nods and holds on to the promise, even though he’s got a feeling that he’s mostly going to cry himself to sleep in Cas’ arms tonight. “Alright. I can do this.”

He takes a deep breath to steel himself and marches off to find the table that has a moose. Still, his steps falter when he spies his brother’s mop of brown hair. He’s lied to him so often. But he’d never thought he’d have to lie about something this big again.

“You should really get a haircut.” He slaps his brother on the back in greeting. “Jess is gonna leave you any day now.”

“No, she won’t,” Sam replies, irritated.

Irritated is good. Irritated means that Dean’s attitude isn’t too far of from how he normally is. “Gotta say, the one advantage of this whole deal is, it’s making me try out new places,” Dean says and hides behind his menu.

“It’s good to see you, too, Dean,” Sam frowns.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your panties all in a bunch,” Dean grumbles, though it already feels like the chasm that’s opening in his chest is going to swallow him whole. This is the last time he’s going to see his brother. The last time he’s going to hear his voice. The last time Sam’s ever going to bitch at him. Somehow, that hadn’t quite sunken in until right this moment.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asks, suddenly alert.

“Did you order already?” Dean asks back stoically.

“I ordered beer and burgers for the both of us. Thought you’d appreciate it.”

Dean nods because he does, even though it means that their time together will be cut short by another ten minutes or however long ago it was that Sam had placed the order.

“So why are we here?” Sam asks.

“I can’t just want to see you?” Dean bristles, though mostly because he actually doesn’t have a good stock answer.

“Come on, Dean,” Sam pushes and leans forward, closer into Dean’s space so that he can talk quietly and still be heard over the noise of the burger joint. “Meeting up here? After Amara found Jess? You gotta have a reason for that. You wouldn’t just risk it.”

_Cause I wanted to say goodbye to you. And I was willing to take the risk._

But of course he can’t say that.

“Yeah, okay,” Dean shrugs and tries to make it sound obnoxious. “So I didn’t actually miss your stupid face, sue me. But you try sitting in the house all day, waiting for your friends and family to figure out something to do about your situation while you’re pretty much damned to twiddling your thumbs. See how you like it.”

That makes Sam’s face soften, though of course he wouldn’t be a Winchester if he expressed his compassion. “You could take up knitting. Pretty sure Cas has a few skeins lying around.”

“Ha ha,” Dean rolls his eyes. “Funny.”

“I know,” Sam looks smug. “Though he does, you know.”

“Yeah, Sam, he’s my best friend. He’s knitted me a scarf before. I know.”

“Right! He put you in Hufflepuff, didn’t he? And me in Ravenclaw!”

Dean groans. “You should have been Slytherin, I swear.” But then he remembers that his stupid Hufflepuff scarf is still in the drawer of his closet, along with his other winter clothes. He’s never going to see that scarf again, either.

“Hey, Dean, it’s going to be okay. We’re going to find a way.” Suddenly, Sam’s face is openly worried.

Dean doesn’t like it. The way everyone’s voice and face gets worried all the time now. But then, he’s going to like not seeing their faces even less. He grimaces. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s just, it’s a fucked up situation, man.”

“Yeah,” Sam admits. “I hear you. But hey, you know what? I’ve got good news, too.” Sam’s face changes from a worried frown to a shy smile. It makes him look so much younger. “You wanna hear them?”

“Yeah, Sammy, course,” Dean nods, the same he had when Sam had gotten excited about some school project or other. _Nerd_ , he thinks fondly.

Sam starts fishing around in his pocket, and Dean isn’t sure what he expects. Some legal papers that relate to his situation maybe. What he gets, though… What he gets is so much worse.

Dean stares at the grainy black and white image.

“You can’t see that much yet, it’s early. It’s the first picture we got. See that here? That tiny little dot. That’s…”

“Your baby,” Dean says tonelessly.

“Your niece or nephew is what I was gonna say, but yeah, it is,” Sam beams.

His whole face radiates pride and joy and all Dean can feel is the bottom dropping out from under him. “I’m… Goddammit, Sammy, I’ve got no idea what to say.”

“You could say congrats?” Sam proposes. “Or you know, see this as a tiny ray of light in the middle of this whole clusterfuck of a situation? You know, be happy for me and all that?”

“I _am_ ,” Dean insists. “I’m so happy for you and Jess, man. I’m just, I didn’t expect this. Like, I didn’t even know you were trying.”

“Cause we weren’t,” Sam shrugs. “Happy surprise. Cause you know, there are those, too.” He nudges Dean and puts the ultrasound pic safely back into his pocket when the waitress comes with their food and drinks.

It relieves Dean of the need to answer anything, which is good because he’s not only got no idea what to say, he’s got no idea how to deal with the news at all. A tiny Sam-Jess-mixture is going to walk around this planet and Dean’s not going to be there to see it. To spoil the kid rotten and give it burgers and pie when Sam and Jess only feed them rabbit food. It’s fucking unfair, and while the dot on the picture was tiny, the whole thing is so big that Dean isn’t even sure it fits in his brain. Like, at all.

Fortunately, it kind of doesn’t have to. Because Sam’s excited and excited Sam equals nerd Sam equals talkative Sam. He keeps talking all the way through their dinner, telling Dean about the doctor’s visit, about Jess’ medical stats, about birth options, and about a lot of other pregnancy related issues that Dean wouldn’t have any idea about if his brain was working, either. So he tries to eat his burger slower than he normally would, tries to keep his mouth full and be chewing at all times, so that all he really has to do is watch Sam’s animated expression and nod or grunt in all the right places.

Dean’s already pretty convinced that the king of hell couldn’t devise a more exquisite torture than this and that is before Sam stops in the midst of his stream of consciousness and says, “Shit. I forgot to ask you the most important part. Dean, Jess and I thought - would you like to be the kid’s Godfather? I mean, you’re going to be the favorite Uncle anyway and - I would really love for you to be the Godfather and be as involved as you can in raising this kid.”

The bite Dean had been chewing turns to ashes in his mouth. He swallows it with effort. “As involved as I can be,” he repeats, voice toneless.

“Yes, Dean. I know we’re grown up and all, and not as close anymore as we were. But I - I really want you to be an active part of my life. So, would you do us the honor?”

There’s nothing Dean can do. He can’t say No to this. Not without spawning a barrage of questions. “Yes, Sammy. Course. Nothing I would want more than to morally compromise your offspring.”

But not even the intentional dig can wipe the smile of Sam’s face. Instead, it grows only wider. “It’ll be great, you’ll see!”  

***

Dean doesn’t talk on the drive back to Cas’ place. Cas keeps shooting him glances and Dean notices them but he just can’t. There aren’t any words for the way it feels like his ribcage is being spread open from the inside out. Like he’s falling into a black hole and not even the darkness grants comfort. He wants to drink until he’s forgotten absolutely everything about this night and at the same time he still feels the phantom hug where his brother had wrapped his long limbs around him for just a second in goodbye. He had seen it in Sammy’s face, how it had worried him that Dean hadn’t fought him off. That in fact, he had held him tighter and refused to let go for another few heartbeats. It had drawn together Sam’s eyes in a frown, but in typical Winchester fashion he hadn’t said anything. Dean’s still not sure whether he’s thankful for that. He thinks if Sam had pushed enough, he might have told him. Probably to the detriment of them all, but maybe the hole in his chest wouldn’t be quite so big then.

He still doesn’t have any words when they’re back at the house. He follows Cas in, shielding his eyes against the sudden brightness when Cas turns on the lights. It feels wrong somehow. Like the darkness inside of him should be swallowing the house as well.

“I’ll…” He gestures vaguely towards the guestroom.

“Dean,” Cas holds him back with a hand on his arm. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to be alone tonight.”

Dean freezes in his tracks. Takes in the feeling of Cas’ hand on his arm. It overlays the muscle memory of his brother’s hug. He takes a step back. “‘s okay. I’m okay.”

“Well, maybe _I’m_ not okay,” Cas replies and throws Dean with that. “Please stay with me tonight?” Cas asks, his voice soft again.

And that’s just not fair. Cause even with the darkness swallowing him whole, how can he say no to this? Not if it’s _for_ Cas. And it’s not even because he owes him, though he undoubtedly does. It’s because - if Cas is not okay, it’s Dean’s fault. And there’s a lot of shit in a lot of people’s lives that’s Dean’s fault, and there’s only very little he can do about most of it. So if there’s something he can actually do, well, then he should.

“Okay,” he agrees quietly. “I’ll just, umm, PJs?”

“I’ll leave my door open?” Cas makes it a question.

“Okay,” Dean agrees again, though somehow that part of it had escaped him right up until now. That they’d have to choose a room and a bed. That Cas is actually inviting him to stay in his bed for the night. And because he’s Dean Winchester, he swallows heavily and, under the guise of changing into his PJs, flees to the security of the guest room.

Where he promptly drops down on the bed. Because all of this? A little much. In fact, there are so many thoughts swirling around his head that it’s hard to grab a hold of any of them. And his emotions? Even worse. He doesn’t have to dig deep to find the pain. Sam, Sam’s unborn child, leaving his whole life behind. There’s enough pain in this moment to cover a whole life-time.

And then there’s the fear. It doesn’t matter that it’s only temporary, that Rowena is sure that she can bring him back, Dean’s gonna die tomorrow. He wants to see the person who wouldn’t be afraid of that. And the coming back part is not any better, either. Because - what if it doesn’t work? What if he dies just to be pulled back from the bright white light and find out that he’s still chained to Amara? The thought alone makes him want to throw up. Because - and here’s the catch to the whole thing - because ever since they’d formed their plan, ever since Castiel insisted on coming with him, he’s allowed himself something that he’d already given up on.

He’d allowed himself _hope_.

Hope that through stubborn insistence and a bond forged not by a mark given to them without their consent but through years spent side-by-side, fighting with and for each other, they’d be able to spite the universe - or maybe not spite it, but to forge their own path and to persevere against the odds.

Dean sits up, suddenly not feeling like he needs the bed to support his weight anymore. Because he’s dug beyond the pain and the fear and he’s expected to find more pain and fear there, but instead, the deeper he delves, the more the hope solidifies into something that feels, well, solid. A core of his being, maybe, though it is bigger than him. It reaches out from inside him to the ones he loves. It’s a foundation to build on. To build a life on.

And suddenly, he’s sure. He’s sure that their plan is solid, too. That tomorrow, the seal on his arm will be broken. He’s sure, too, that he will wake up again and that he won’t be alone. That Cas will be right by his side. And that it will be good. That they will make it good, no matter what other hurdles the universe is going to throw at them.

And last but not least, he’s certain of one more thing: This was goodbye from Sam, yes. But it was goodbye for today, not forever. It’ll take a while, years probably, before it’s safe to contact Sam again. To meet Sam’s kid that was supposed to be his Godchild. But he will. Eventually he will.

Armed with that knowledge, Dean searches his room for a pen and some paper. He doesn’t need much. Just a single sheet. He writes using the nightstand as a table, his loopy handwriting uneven.

_Sam, I’m leaving her here for you. You better take good care of her and you find a different car to teach your kid how to drive. If you total her, I swear to God I’ll come back to haunt your ass. - Your brother, Dean._

He puts the keys to the Impala on top of the letter. Sam’s going to need the rest of his keys, too, and they are going in the pile of clothes they’re taking tomorrow. But this one, this is for Sam.

That done, Dean feels lighter. He strips out of his clothes and finds a t-shirt and PJ pants to sleep in. He makes sure they’re at least semi-nice and freshly washed. By the time he’s done with his nightly routine in the bathroom, there’s even something like a few butterflies zipping around his stomach.

He brings his pillow and knocks on the doorframe of Cas’ bedroom, even though the door as promised is open.

Cas is already in the room, though he’s not in bed yet, he’s folding away his day clothes. He looks up now, a slightly timid smile on his face. “Please come in, Dean.”

Dean nods and enters the room. “Don’t think you gotta be that neat with everything. You’re only going to have to pack it in boxes anyway.”

Cas considers that for a moment before he shrugs. “It’ll be the movers who have to pack stuff. Gabe is going to put everything in storage. He and Charlie are working on getting it in a container and down to Cali without leaving a trace.”

“So you’re just gonna up and leave?” Dean asks.

“Yes,” Cas nods. “As soon as I can without the police getting suspicious.”

“Right,” Dean says because that makes sense. They can’t have the police track them through the country if they want to disappear. There’s already a motel room rented under a false name for Dean a few towns over. It’s prepaid in cash for a month, no questions asked. He has a place to wait for Cas. He nods once, decisively, and then turns his thoughts away from tomorrow. “Left or right?” he asks and indicates the bed.

“Left, please.”

“Left from where we’re standing?”

“Yes,” Cas smiles.

“Alright,” Dean nods and puts his pillow on the right side of the bed. The blanket is big enough for both of them.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?” Dean turns back to Cas.

“Are you okay?”

Dean thinks about that for a moment. It would be easy to lie. Maybe not to lie convincingly, but to lie with enough certainty to shut Cas up. But that’s not who he wants to be anymore. That’s not who Cas is to him, either.

“No,” Dean says and shakes his head. “No, I’m not okay. But I will be.”

***

They wake tangled into each other. Or rather, Dean wakes because all Cas does when Dean moves is to grumble and wrap his limbs tighter around Dean. It’s a bit like a clingy octopus and a lot like a space heater. Dean wants to grumble about it, wants to be grumpy, but he’s not quite awake yet, either, and Cas is cute when he pouts. Dean’s dimly aware that the peace he feels when he lets the tension bleed out of his muscles and relaxes back into Cas’ hold, is something transient that will disappear as soon as his brain comes online. But for the moment, it doesn’t matter. For the moment, Dean feels warm and safe and like he’s right where he belongs.

It’s that thought that makes him open his eyes. Because holy shit, he’s in Cas’ bed and Cas is wrapped around him and Cas’ hand is definitely not on top of Dean’s clothes but underneath them and Cas’ shirt has ridden up and there’s naked Cas-tummy, and all of this felt completely natural a second ago but they haven’t actually ever done this before.

Dean’s so completely astounded by that insight that he involuntarily moves again.

This time, Cas not only grumbles but also opens his eyes. “Stay still,” he grouches. “Too early to move.”

“Okay, grumpy cat,” Dean soothes and presses a kiss to Cas’ hair just because he can.

Cas’ eyes blink open again at the gesture, and this time they turn wide as apparently the world crashes back in on him as well. “It’s today,” he says like it’s a surprise.

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “It sure is.”

“Shit,” Cas says and lets go of Dean to prop himself up on his arms.

Dean chuckles at the rare curse but also immediately misses Cas’ warmth. “So, are you always an octopus?” he asks, trying to keep them in their bubble for a few moments longer.

Cas tilts his head at him. “How would I know?”

And yeah, Cas doesn’t do relationships. Or didn’t do relationships, because he woke up wrapped around Dean and Dean takes it as a good sign. “Well, I guess we’ll have to find out then,” he says lightly.

Cas stares at him a little more intently than maybe necessary but he nods. “I’d like that.”

It makes Dean’s heart go soft. “Yeah, I’d like that, too.”

“Even if…” Cas clears his throat and looks away. He’s blushing.

“Even if what?” Dean asks.

“It’s not of import right now,” Cas deflects and tries to roll to his side to get up.

“Uh-uh,” Dean grabs his arm and keeps him in place. “Even if what, Cas?” He lets go of him once he’s repeated his question. If Cas really doesn’t want to answer, well, Dean guesses that he’ll die without an answer then. Literally.

Cas sits up fully but he doesn’t flee. His face is crinkled in a worried frown and he looks down at his hands instead of looking up at Dean. “Even if I’ll never be able to give you more than this?” he whispers.

Oh, and okay, Dean hadn’t thought that far. Not this morning. Apparently being tied to a soulmate he fears and having to leave his whole life behind is pretty effective in killing his sex drive.

But then, assuming everything goes right, that won’t always be the case. They’ll start a new life and they’ll start it together. And they’ve both said that they want to give this a shot. So Dean owes Cas an actual answer.

“Cas, I - I won’t lie. I look at you sometimes and - like when I cooked you dinner and you wore those jeans and you looked like -,” that dinner already feels like an eternity ago but he can still feel himself blush when he thinks the words _well-fucked_ so he stops, “anyway, what I want to say is that I’m attracted to you. And I’d - I’d like to try it out, you know? Whether it works between us? Sex, I mean,” he stumbles over his words. “But if it doesn’t or if you don’t want that, I’ll still -,” _love you_. “You’re still Cas, you know? You’re still the person who’s most important to me. The person I don’t want to spend my life without.” He shrugs because words are not his forte but he hopes what he wants to say comes over anyway. “That good enough for now?”

“Yes,” Cas nods. His smile isn’t wide, it’s shy and sweet. “And I - I think I want to. Try it out, I mean. After…”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “God, yes, after. You’re gorgeous, man, but that whole having to die today thing really kills the mood.”

He startles a laugh from Cas’ lips which is better than expected. In fact, Dean feels better than he would have expected, too.

“What do you say, Cas? Let’s make a big breakfast as gallows’ meal? Cause I doubt that I’ll be able to keep anything down tonight.”

***

They work side-by-side to make breakfast, Dean frying bacon and scrambling eggs while Cas makes pancakes with blueberries. In fact, they’re using up pretty much everything that Cas has as breakfast food in his fridge.

It’s more food than they can eat, but hey, it’s their last breakfast together in this house.

“You gonna miss it?” Dean asks when the bacon is gone and the stack of pancakes is decimated. “The house, I mean.” Cause with the morning light slanting in through the window, the hardwood floors glow warmly and the house seems even cosier than usual.

Cas ponders for a little while, reflectively chewing on his pancake. “It’s a good house,” he finally says. “But no, I’m not gonna miss it. It’s mine, and that doesn’t work for me anymore.”

Dean frowns at Cas because that doesn’t make much sense to him.

Cas catches his confusion, apparently, because he explains, “This house is mine and you are a guest in it. I don’t want that anymore. I want a house that is home to both of us.”

That timid smile is back on Cas’ face and he looks down at his plate instead of at Dean. Like he isn’t sure that it was a good idea to say any of this, like it’s too mushy or too permanent, like it’s going to scare Dean away.

Only, there’s this cold ball of dread in Dean’s stomach and while the words are not enough to dissolve it, it’s like a ray of sunshine hitting the ice, warming its surface and making it shrink. So he knocks his knee against Cas’ under the table. “Yeah, Cas, I want that, too,” he admits.

And even with everything, that makes Cas’ smile almost radiant.

***

There isn’t actually all that much that they still have to prepare. Dean gives Cas his cell phone so that he can download all files and pictures from it. The phone itself will be in the pile of things to get burned.

Dean packs two bags, one with the essentials to take with him, one for the fire to take. He’ll have to buy most of everything new, so as not to arouse suspicion. Charlie has promised him to make sure that there’s a credit card that goes with his new identity, and that there’ll be a wallet with cash as well.

From his old wallet, he only takes part of the cash, which isn’t much to begin with, and the crinkled childhood photograph of Sam. He’s pretty sure that there aren’t many people who know that the photo was in there in the first place, so it won’t arouse any suspicions if it’s missing even if the wallet doesn’t burn up. He carefully smoothes the photo down into the side pocket of the bag he’s taking.

It’s woefully little, one overnight bag, only half filled. That’s all his life comes down to. Or it isn’t, not really, because there’s stuff that he never thought he’d ever leave behind. Only it’s in his apartment and that’s a place where he can’t go.

“Dean?” Cas is standing in the doorway of the guest room, holding out his phone to him. “You have new messages.”

That immediately sets fear coursing through Dean’s body. “Did you read them?”

Cas grimaces. “The notifications popped up on the screen.”

“Who are they from?” Dean asks, trepidation audible in his voice.

“Sam. And Amara.”

“Shit,” Dean curses. He’s actually not sure which of these is worse. But he takes the phone from Cas and looks. And freezes.

Amara’s. Amara’s definitely is worse. Because while Sam’s message tears at his heart, Amara’s almost stops it. It’s a list. Nothing but a list of names. There is no message to go with it, no direct threats of what she’s going to do, but it’s a list of every single person that is important to Dean.

_Sam Winchester. Jessica Moore. Robert Singer. Garth Fitzgerald. Ellen Harvelle. Jo Harvelle. Castiel Milton. Charlie Bradbury._

“Turn it off.”

“What?” Dean takes in a strangled breath. And yeah, for a moment there, he had forgotten how to breathe.

“Turn it off,” Cas repeats. “I mean, answer Sam if you want to. But then turn it off. All your pictures are downloaded and safe. Charlie and Gabriel know to contact me. There is no reason to keep it on.”

“But…”

“Half a day, Dean,” Cas says and comes into the room to put a hand on Dean’s arm. “Half a day and it won’t matter anymore.”

“But what if she…”

“She won’t. She thinks you’re going to come around.”

“She might think paying one of the people on the list a visit will sway me faster,” he says tonelessly.

“She might,” Cas nods. “But she won’t hurt them.”

“How can you be so sure?” Dean asks because Cas’ voice leaves no doubt that he actually is sure about this.

“I told you. I’ve been through this before.” Cas sits down heavily on the floor, next to where Dean was packing his bags. “Michael - Anna’s soulmate - he was - a lot like Amara. And it - it took me a long time to understand. Why her phone calls were getting less and less frequent. Why she would not come visit anymore. Why she would be quiet at family gatherings, not leaving his side. Why her voice was fearful when she asked me whether Michael had called me lately. Michael had never been anything but charming to me. A little arrogant, sure, but unwaveringly friendly. She was hospitalized with a broken skull before I figured it out. I never did find out what threats he had made against Gabriel or me.”

“What happened to him? Michael, I mean?” Dean asks quietly.

“The law,” Cas sighs. “But only after. The law didn’t do anything to protect her but it condemned him after he killed her.”

There is nothing to say to that. Nothing to answer that would make this even a slight bit better. So all Dean does is drop his head onto Cas’ shoulder. Cas’ arm comes up around him, drawing him close.

“I lost my faith back then. Both in the law and in the universe,” Cas whispers. “And I’ve spent all the years since trying to atone for my failure.”

It’s a thought that Dean has had before. Which is why he has to know. “Cas,” Dean asks hesitantly, “this, us, is that atonement, too?”

“No.” Cas doesn’t hesitate with his answer. “No, Dean, it isn’t. This is something I want. Have wanted long before Amara was in the picture. But - but if everything has a reason, or maybe - a silver lining if not a reason, then this is it. This is where I’ll use everything that I’ve learned. I’ll not make the same mistake again. I’m not going to abandon you to either the universe or the law. I - actually, _we_ \- Gabriel and Charlie and I will do everything in our power that we all get through this and come out the other side. Okay?”

“Okay,” Dean nods and because he has no idea what else to do, he holds up his cell so that Cas can see and shuts it off. Then he lets his head sink back on Cas’ shoulder. “And I’m sorry,” he mumbles. For everything that Cas had to go through. For the universe being a shitty place. For Dean ripping open old wounds.

Cas shakes his head ever so slightly before he mumbles. “I wish you could have met her. I think you would have liked her. She was - less obnoxious than Gabriel.”

Dean chuckles a little at that, though it’s a hollow sound. “Wish I could have met her, Cas.”

They could have founded _Abuse Victims Anonymous_ or something. He cringes at his own thought. _Abuse victim_ is still not a word he likes to think about himself, even though it’s kind of started to sink in that Charlie might have had a point when she pointed it out. And if he’s honest with himself, it’s not like the thought that he might end up like Anna - killed by his own soulmate - hadn’t come up when he’d tried to imagine a future with Amara.

And in that way, maybe Cas is right. Maybe there are silver linings. Maybe the things Dean went through as a child are what made his mind screech at him the moment Amara stepped into his life. Maybe every punch, every beating that is stored in the muscle memory of his body is what made him react this way. What kept him from following the blind pull of the bond. What made him dig in his heels. What kept him safe.

But he doesn’t say any of that, doesn’t think he has the words. Instead, he just presses a small kiss to the side of Cas’ neck before wrapping his arms around him.

 

They stay like that until the uncomfortable position on the floor becomes too much. Even then, they move away from each other only reluctantly. And they stay close, always in the same room or in each other’s space all the way until Charlie rings the doorbell. Cas goes to open then while Dean starts making a pot of coffee for them.

He listens to their hushed voices until they make their way into the kitchen.

“Heya, Dean.”

“Hi Charlie.”

“How are you?” she asks him.

He raises his eyebrows at her. “What do you expect?”

“Well, to be honest, I expected you to look worse.”

“Gee, thanks,” Dean says drily. “Glad to know I’m still handsome.”

“Eh, you know your body does nothing for me, Winchester,” she shrugs. “Now gimme some of that coffee.”

He nods and gets to pouring all of them a mug. They both smile at him, but he can see their unrest in the tight lines of their shoulders and the way the tension around their eyes bleeds into the rest of their expression. Well, Dean doesn’t think he’s any better.

“So, did you bring us what we need?” Dean asks without further ado.

“Yep. Fergus came through on his part and I got the rest of it covered. Here.” She pulls two folders out of her carrier bag, handing one to Dean and the other one to Cas. “Mr. Smith and Mr. Novak, nice meeting you.”

Dean opens his folder and looks through the documents. Birth certificate, driver’s license, SAT scores, credit card…

“Concealed carry permit?” Cas asks at the same moment that Dean finds the same document in his folder.

Charlie shrugs. “Believe me, I don’t like it any better than you do. And if you’re lucky, you’re never going to need it. But better safe than sorry, right?” She smiles ruefully.

“I generally do not find anything about guns to be _safe_ ,” Cas wrinkles his nose in disgust. Then he holds up a different document. “I was married in Illinois?”

“Yes,” Charlie nods. “To your loving soulmate and wife Amelia, who died two years ago.”

“But I have this,” Cas points at his tattoo. “I don’t need a cover.”

“I know,” Charlie nods. “But you two rooming together will be accepted easier if you both wear these.” She takes two deathbands out of her bag and puts them on the table. “Dean’s grief will be fresh, you’ll need to help him through it for real. No one will think it’s out of the ordinary. In fact, it’ll be more or less taboo to even ask about it. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.” She lets her sleeve fall back to make her point.

It makes a sick sort of sense. Dean hesitantly picks up the wide black wristband. “Amara and Amelia, huh?”

“Well,” Charlie says, “no. We’ve made up someone a little more wholesome for your background story. Meet Angelina.” She searches for a file among Dean’s documents and hands it to him. “She got killed after you met but before your soulmate bond was fulfilled. Real tragic.”

“Lara Croft?” Dean scoffs. “You based my soulmate on _Lara Croft_?”

“No, I haven’t,” Charlie denies the accusation. “Though I do have an outstanding Lara Croft cosplay, if I dare say so myself. But no, Angelina is _not_ Lara Croft and she’s not from a spy movie, either. In fact, I’ve tried to keep her somewhat close to the original. Cause, you know, learning your lines is all good and well, and I’m sure it’ll work for Cas, but when you’re grieving the truth tends to spill out.”

Dean turns the deathband over in his hands. He still can’t fathom grieving for Amara. But since both Charlie and Cas have insisted that it’s going to happen he guesses it’s going to happen. “Okay,” he nods. “Angelina it is. It’s not like I ever want to say _her_ name again anyway after all of this is over.”

Charlie accepts that with a nod and then walks them through the rest of their documents. Their backstories are minimalistic, a skeleton of a life more than the story of a person. But everything important in terms of documents is there. They’ll just have to fill in the gaps as they go.

Finally, Charlie turns back to Cas. “I can’t give you your job back in Cali. I’m sorry. The Guardian database actually stores pictures and everything. With just a little bit of bad luck they’d cross-reference you back to yourself.”

“It’s okay, Charlie,” Cas smiles a little sadly, “I did not expect to be able to keep my job.”

She looks less than pleased by it. “But I wanted to make it happen,” she grumbles. “I mean, I _know_ that you love it. No one who doesn’t actually want to do this would go through all the trouble we went through to get in.”

Cas nods without answering but Dean can see it, how close his sister’s story still is to the forefront of his mind. So he wraps his fingers around Cas’. It isn’t much but he hopes that it’s a small comfort at least. It seems to work, too, or at least Cas sees the attention, because he squeezes Dean’s hand in reply.

Charlie watches the exchange with a smile, her eyes suddenly a shade brighter. “So you _talked_ , huh?” she grins. And when Cas actually blushes at the words she outright chuckles. “You used tongue, too, huh? I approve.”

“Charlie,” Dean groans.

“Hey,” she shrugs, “I ship it as I see it. Even if the powers that be do not agree.” Then she turns serious again. “I hope you can make it work. I really wish all the happiness in the world for the both of you.”

“Thanks, Charles,” Dean nods while Cas says, “It’s appreciated.”

“Write me a postcard, okay? If you ever, you know, get hitched? There’s these online postcards that you can totally send anonymously. I want to know, alright?”

Even with everything, that makes Dean smile. “Do we really look that stupid?” he shakes his head.

Charlie opens her eyes wide, all innocence. “Whatever do you mean?”

“We might not be able to have any direct contact but you’ve set all of this up.” Dean makes a sweeping gesture to include all the files on the table. “You really think I believe for a second that you’re not going to track our every movement?”

Charlie keeps her wide-eyed look of innocence though the smirk that plays around the corners of her mouth betrays her. “If all goes well, you’ll never find out.” Then the mirth disappears from her voice. “I’ll keep an eye on Amara, too. Can’t promise you that I’ll catch everything she does but I’ll do my best. If just to give you a warning, should she make a move in your direction.”

“Do not endanger yourself for us,” Cas admonishes. “You’ve gone above and beyond anyway.”

“Ehh, I know what I’m doing,” Charlie shrugs.

Dean believes her, too. Which is the only reason why he asks, “Keep an eye on Sam for me if you can? I mean, he knows you. He knows I consider you a friend. So, if it’s not too much of a bother and if you can keep up the charade, maybe check in on him every so often? Please?”

By the sympathetic look Charlie gives him, all his anguish he feels about his brother was splayed open in that. “I promise I’ll do my best,” she nods, before she hesitantly adds. “But please be aware - I was your Guardian, Dean.”

And Dean hadn’t even thought about that. “He’s gonna blame you. For my suicide.”

Charlie nods. “He might. I was supposed to support you to keep something like this from happening, after all.”

“And you have!” It breaks out of Dean because the unfairness of it all is just too much. Even Charlie is going to suffer long-term consequences from this when she shouldn’t have to. “I know it’s just words, but thank you, Charlie. Thank you for keeping me from doing something stupid. You were so very needed.”

“Any time, Dean,” Charlie smiles warmly. Then she sighs unhappily, “As much as it pains me, I gotta go, guys. Some of us have lives to go back to.”

“Too soon, Charlie, too soon,” Dean grumbles but he opens his arms when she comes over to embrace him. “Thank you. Really.”

“Just live a good life, Dean. Okay? That makes it worth it.”

“I’ll do my best,” he promises.

She goes on to hug Cas who hugs her back a little awkwardly but fiercely.

“I don’t think I have to tell you this but have patience with the tough guy,” she tells Cas. “Grieving takes time. But in the end, he’s gonna choose you like he’s done before. I know it with all of my heart.”

Dean doesn’t understand Cas’ answer but he sees the nods and the small smiles. So whatever Cas said, Charlie agrees with it.

Dean stays back, too, while Cas brings Charlie to the door. It’s weird, watching her wave from the driveway, knowing that she’s bouncing right out of his life. He’s known her for such a short time but he knows he’s gonna miss her almost as much as Sam.

“We’ve got a little while still,” Cas says when he comes back inside. “Anything particular you want to do?”

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “I hate waiting.”

Cas nods his agreement. “Gabriel’s going to be here in 45. But you have another hour and a half at least after that.”

“I know,” Dean nods.

Because they’ve agreed that if this is Dean’s suicide, Cas can’t be seen leaving the house with him. So he’s going to go have dinner with his brother. Very visibly in his cafe, where they’ll talk very publicly about how Cas is going to help Gabe with bookkeeping that night, before they’ll clandestinely make their way to whatever location Rowena has chosen, at around the same time as Dean. Gabe’s going to give them the address for said location, and he and Cas will take Dean’s overnight bag with them, to be safely stowed in the car purchased solely for the purpose of driving down to Cali.

Dean sighs.

“What are you thinking of?” Cas asks.

“Hoping that your brother has better taste in cars than you do. If he brings a Lincoln Continental, I’m gonna use all of our funds to buy a better car.”

Cas frowns at him though his eyes stay too soft for him to be seriously upset. “The Lincoln was a good car, Dean.”

“It’s a boat!”

“It never broke down.”

“So is that why you had to exchange it?”

“I changed it because it was a gas guzzler, Dean. Just like another car that I will not name.”

“Pfft,” Dean snorts. “Baby is so much more than just a car. She’s got a soul.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “It’s an inanimate object.”

“She, Cas, _she_. And it’s bad enough that I gotta drive your hybrid tonight.” Because even if he wanted to take the Impala and not leave her for Sam, he can’t do it. She is way too conspicuous.

“You better not park my car so that it gets harmed! I still need it!” Cas immediately chastises.

“Dude, I know,” Dean holds his hands up peacefully. “Your car’s gotta survive my death. It’s been made clear to me.”

That makes Cas close the distance between them in two large steps. “You have to survive your death, too,” he says and wraps his arms around Dean again.

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “I’m gonna do my best there, too.”

 

After that, it really is just waiting. They stow their new papers safely in the overnight bag, and then tinker around the house, cleaning things, straightening blankets, and in general doing things that don’t need doing because they’re both too jittery to sit down.

It doesn’t get any better when Gabe finally comes by. He’s unusually quiet, his quick wit dimmed down by the worry in his eyes and voice. It frightens Dean more than he lets on. There isn’t much that can shake Gabe and this obviously shakes him.

Still, his goodbye to Dean is somewhat flippant, while Cas draws him into another bone-crushing hug. There is solace in the physical touch, just like there has been solace in all of their touches today. Dean kind of wants to kiss Cas, too, but Gabe is watching, so he refrains. Maybe they’ll have another chance later. Just in case.

Dean swallows and lets go of that thought. Everything is going to go well. They have it all planned out. They have a life together to start.

And then he’s alone.

Immediately, the noises in the house seem to change, everything getting a slight echo, like the house is too big and too empty. Dean’s not one to easily be frightened by a spooky atmosphere, but right now, it gets to him. He already feels like he’s alone in this world, his past few days having consisted mainly of goodbyes, but now in the emptiness of a house that had been buzzing with people while they’d tried to figure out a plan, it feels like he’s actually, literally alone in the world. Like all the other humans have been sucked into the black hole in his chest and are gone.

He turns on the TV for distraction and background noise, but even the TV can’t keep the silence at bay. It’s like the voices of the reporters don’t even reach him, their message getting lost in transmission.

And maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe this is how your last hours feel like when you know the end is coming. Maybe your brain prepares you for the parting by already cutting off the connection to the world.

It’s a theory, anyway. It makes as much sense as anything else.

So Dean paces and paces, intermittently trying to concentrate on the voice of the announcer on CNN, never quite managing and going back to pacing again. One hour to go. 45 minutes. 30. He counts down the last half hour in five minute intervals, checking the brightness outside again and again. He’s not supposed to start out before dusk. But today, the sun doesn’t seem to want to set. Another 15 minutes of pacing and finally, the colors of the sky begin to change. Blue changes into a warm peach and then a glowing red. It looks beautiful, or it would, if it didn’t look like the sky was aflame.

Dean shudders as the thought that he’s taking the whole world down with him into a fiery grave runs through his mind.

But no, he can’t think like that. Instead, he has to go do what they planned. They made a plan for a reason.

He turns off the TV and methodically checks the house. Makes sure the oven and stove are off and the lights are out and the fridge is closed. He stops for a moment when he picks up the bag with everything that’s meant for the flames. If Sam wrote him again, now is his last chance to see the message. Once he’s at the place Rowena has chosen, this bag and his fate will be out of his hands.

He stares at the phone for a long minute that feels like an eternity. Then he takes a deep breath and puts it back in the bag without turning it on.

 _I’m sorry_ , he apologizes silently to his brother. _But this one I gotta do without you._

After that, it’s all going through familiar motions. Take the bag and Cas’ keys, lock the front door, get in Cas’ car. The address Gabe’s given him is vaguely South-East, far away from the warehouse they met Rowena in last time. Dean feeds it into Cas’ navigation system and lets his mind go blank. Nothing is important now, nothing but getting to where he needs to be.

***

He finds a parking spot close by but far enough away that hopefully Cas’ car will survive. Dean might not love the car but that doesn’t mean he is a fan of needless destruction. He double-checks the address. It looks deserted. The whole street does. Not even the usual mob of grifters and drifters that haunt the run-down streets of the city is anywhere in sight. Rowena’s doing? He doesn’t know.

Dean walks up the driveway. It looks like a family home. Or rather, like it once was a family home, at a time when the street lamps still worked and the pavement wasn’t cracked.

“There was a murder here, once.”

Dean almost jumps out of his skin when Cas steps forward out of the shadows.

“Jesus, man, wear a bell.”

“Sorry,” Cas apologizes.

“You were saying? Something about a murder?” Dean looks up at the house looming over him.

“A serial killer. He killed the mother.”

Dean’s stomach turns but he doesn’t acknowledge it beyond a nod. “Rowena did her research.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas apologizes again. “There will also be documents showing that you’ve tried to follow the trail and find the killer. You’ll need to touch them before I take them home to ‘find them’. Your fingerprints need to be on them. I thought it better to warn you.”

Dean nods again, because yeah, he appreciates that, air-quotes and all. “So I followed my father’s footsteps right into the loony bin, is that the story?”

Cas nods. “With some luck, the police will conclude that that is what happened.”

“And Amara?”

Cas shrugs. “You wanted an Unsealing so to not drag her into this. A gentleman even in madness.”

Dean snorts. “That does not sound like me.”

“The madness part doesn’t,” Cas says softly and takes Dean’s hand. “Are you ready?”

“No,” Dean shakes his head.

Immediately, Cas’ grip on his hand slackens and he stops walking towards the house. Dean lets him stop but he doesn’t let him let go of his hand.

“It’s not too late to turn back,” Cas says though Dean is pretty sure it’s not true. “We can find another solution.”

“Nah, Cas, that’s not it,” Dean shakes his head. He takes Cas’ other hand, makes Cas face him. “It’s just, I’ve been thinking. A lot. About this. About us.”

“Oh,” Cas says quietly and it sounds scared.

“Shush. Let me finish,” Dean admonishes without heat.

He waits for Cas to silently nod before he goes on.

“The thing is, there’s been something. From the first moment that you walked into my life, there’s been, I dunno - something. A spark. And in the beginning I told myself that it’s just because you’re hot, you know? That it was - lust, I guess. But then we became friends, so I expected it to go away. Cause you know, you don’t creep on your best friend. But the better I got to know you, the harder it got to bullshit myself. Cause what I felt for you was never just - it was never just about wanting your body, Cas. It was always about you.”

Dean bites his lip, insecure because laying his heart out for someone else to stomp on is not his favorite thing to do. But he’s gonna die sometime in the next hour, and while he hopes to God that he’s gonna wake up, he can’t be sure. So it’s now or never. And Cas is still listening, so that’s a good sign.

“We’ll never have a soulmate bond. There’s never gonna be that pull of a mark. But, Cas, what I’m saying is that what we have, the bond that we’ve formed, it is so much more. It’s so much more…”

He searches for the right word but before he finds it, Cas continues for him, “Profound. Our bond is much more profound.”

“Yeah,” Dean nods because that’s a good word. “Yeah. We’ve formed this bond ourselves. We’ve formed it because we _want_ to be near each other. And in my book, that counts for pretty much everything.”

There, he’s laid it all out. Dean takes a deep breath and goes for a wobbly smile.

Cas’ answering smile is much less wobbly. In fact, it’s so deep and so serene that Dean is sure Cas’ face is shining, his blue eyes glowing in the dark of the night.

“I love you, too, Dean,” he says and leans forward, easily capturing Dean’s lips with his own.

It’s sweet and soft, a kiss like a promise. A promise of a future. Of more. Of other types of kisses. A promise given by two people out of their own free will. No mark to compel them, no societal rule to keep them. Just two hearts and two minds that share the same love.

It calms Dean’s fears and his racing heart. He has this to come back to. He _will_ come back to this.

“Okay,” he nods when the kiss finally breaks. “Now I’m ready.”  


End file.
